Thank you...

Looking back today… thinking about certain moments… I still kind of can’t believe it didn’t happen between us. I miss you. Not enough to want you back, but enough for it to still sting. I guess all the things that won me over, all the moments engraved in my mind that meant so much to me didn’t really mean as much to you. The reality of that hurts. Don’t know if that meant that your expectations were higher, or if it simply didn’t matter to you, but I can’t believe you didn’t feel as excited, happy, smitten, and euphoric as I did. But thank you for those moments. They say its better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all, and I understand it now. Even if the moments were short lived, I’m glad I was able to live them period. As India Arie said in a song once “Cause there's a blessing in every lesson. And I'm glad that I knew him at all.” At least they are nice memories to look back to, a footnote in my life story. But now I strive for more moments like those… with even deeper feelings, reciprocated and at the right time for them to last forever. Thank you for the previews… now I’m waiting on my movie. =D

I want moments like these... tender, embracing, intimate, etc...

You Know What....

The secret smiles, the conversations, the songs lyrics;

those days are gone – I get that. And you know what?

I’m fine with it, but let me set a couple things straight.

First off, I don’t know why I loved you. All I know is that I did.

Maybe it wasn’t true love, but it was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to it.

And even though I didn’t get my perfect happy ending,

even though you chickened out and left me hanging like an idiot.

I still believe you’re a good person, and I wish you the best. I really do.

So go out there and find whatever makes you happy,

although I’m pretty sure you’ve already found it.

The memories are starting to blur around the edges,

but God knows I could never completely forget you.

Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m saying that whether it’s a good or bad thing,

You’re part of the reason I am who I am today.

I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life.

You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs,

the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning,

You were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart,

but never bothered to do anything about it.

I can’t help but think that somewhere inside of you, I’m there.

Somewhere between liking me and loving me and everything in the middle you got scared.

The tingling and the butterflies terrified you.

You didn’t know what could and couldn’t happen.

I don’t think you can run away from that feeling forever.

I think you’re just going to eventually have to be okay with the fact that

I make your stomach flip and your heart skip.

Eventually you’ll realize I was it.

What I Really Feel Inside

One day, his name just didn't make me smile anymore.

This is your choice. it’s black and white. Not a shade of gray, because when you love someone there’s no such thing as halfway.

But he didn't choose me...

You're like a monkey bar, and I held on. It was fun at first, just hanging there, feet far off the ground, but then I started to get blisters and my hands they started to sweat and I started to slip,but I continued to hold on, adjusting my hands to make them stay, but eventually I figured out that it really was time to let go.

So once again, I feel my heart break over something that was in my head. But don't forget, I meant every word I should have left unsaid.

What is heartbreak? Is it lying on the bathroom floor trying your damnest to breathe while simutaneously wondering why it went wrong, how you're gonna get up and pretend like everything is alright, and what the hell are you going to do about that hole in your chest? Yeah, I think that's it.

You're going to go through heartbreak. There's going to be withdrawl, you're going to feel like something's not right, but eventually you start to think of that person a few times a day, then a few times a week, then a few times a month, then you find yourslef not thinking about them at all and it's easier to say you're okay and there isn't much pain. But until then, you have to take baby steps.. It's not going to happen all at once.

The hardest part of a heartbreak is that moment when you realize that all the dreams you had, all those visions you had being with this person disappears. Everything after that moment is moving on.

Dear Brain, sorry for overloading you with thoughts of him. Dear Tummy, sorry for the butterflies. Dear Pillow, I'm sorry for all the tears. Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage. Dear Me, sorry for being head over heels in love with him.

Sometime you just have to try not to care, no matter how much you do because sometimes you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.

If you're getting pushed away don't hold on tighter. Letting go when you're getting pushed is the only way he will feel what it's like without you. Even though it's the hardest thing to do, do it for him.

Sometime you have to let go of the one you love to find out if there was ever something there to hold on to.

Too bad for you, that when you had me didn't know what to do, games over - you lose.

Want my advice? Stay mad as long as you can. Because once you're not mad anymore, it hurts. It hurts like hell and once it hurts that bad you can't make yourself mad anymore.

When you walk away from something and there's no gravitational pull, then you know you're doing the right thing.

I hate the times when you want something so bad you trick yourself into believing it can happen, even when common sense tells you to give up.

You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you, and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can't just be your buddy because as much as I enjoy the concept of being "just friends" in reality it's a bizarre form of torture and I'm just not willing to participate. So right now, what I want to do is just move on, and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to erase you from my world.

It's hard to get over people, I mean really get over them. You can start to have feelings for other people, but it doesn't mean you're over them. It just means you're moving on.

I tried so hard. you know that, right? I tried harder than you could ever imagine, and now here I am, trying my best just to forget everything. Every piece of you, the way you smell, the feel of your skin. I can still feel you. I think I always will.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

Yeah, I'm broken, but I'll be okay. Day after day, I'll look at the pieces of myself you scattered around. It'll take a while, but I'll be whole again soon enough.

I'm moving on. No more waiting. No more hurt. If you wanted me you could've had me, but you didn't. You blew your chances. Now, I hope you're happy living your life wondering what if you took your chances with me. Cause I'm no longer here. I'm no longer waiting.

If you really need him, fate won't let you lose him. Fate will bring him back. It might not be soon, but he will come back.

It's Over... I'm Done.

Yesterday I put it all out there. Went all the way for him. Put my heart out there on a billboard and asked him to take it. Asked him to let me love him. Asked him to dive into a beautiful love. He declined. He decided to go the other way. And now I have to move on.

Part of me is grateful that he has let me go. Part of me is happy that instead on wasting time stuck on him, I can now move on and wait for the one who does value me. But it hurts. It hurts because I wanted to love him so bad. I wanted to be it for him. I wanted to be his woman. I wanted to show him what good love really is. But he didn't want it.

He tells me not to pursue him. But I know he loves me. I know inside, I know I'm not crazy, I know he loves me. He showed it many times. I just don't understand though. I don't understand why its so easy for him to choose not to love. Why doesn't he just give in to it. He can't be that dumb to give up something good for him. Well, I guess he is.

Now to move on. Now to work hard in making these feelings go away. Its hard because everytime I try, it stings. It hurts everytime I try not to care. Everytime I try not to think of him. Everytime I try not to feel, I get that sting. As if my heart is rejecting those actions. But I can't. I can't continue to love someone who doesn't want me. I can't continue to love someone who can't love me back. I need to move on. I need to have a healed heart for the person who will see my value, and do all he can to show me love. Show me the kind of love I've been craving for all my life. I NEED to get healed just for that. I deserve it.

I'm done. I've come to terms with it. Accepted it. And now I'm going to live my life accordingly. He's not for me... He's not for you Sarai. Someone else out there is. He will find you. So get healed and ready for him. He will deserve you. He will need you whole. And at that moment, you can then love as hard and as long as you've always wanted to love. You deserve so much better. Love yourself enough to understand that. Lol =D I am amazing. I am great. His loss.

Thank you God for giving me peace. Thank you God for loving me enough to help me through this short journey of healing. I know in due time, I will better, and ready for the next guy. Thank you God. =D

Yeah...

Isn't it scary thinking that if one little thing didn't happen, you might not know him right now.

I'm in love with a guy that lives in New York. I live in Miami.

When you love someone, you love all of them. You don't skip over the parts that make them ugly, or unwanted. you cannot just leave all the bad things out. If you really do love them, you find their imperfections beautiful.

The Things Unsaid

I kind of wanted to woman up for this. And for the first time be brave, and pour my heart out live and in person, but I guess things happen for a reason, and maybe the things I wanted to say weren't meant to be said out loud. So I guess I'll keep them to myself... maybe... don't know... all things happen for a reason.
 ,
I’m a woman. I have feelings. I am emotional. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I look too deep into everything’s meaning. I dream big. My expectations are high. I can tell when I’m being lied to but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Yes I get jealous at times, and I’m always scared I’ll lose you. But in the back of my head, I do realize my worth and who I am, and I know that if you may not want me, its not because I'm not good enough, but because I'm just not for you. And I'm sure there is someone else out there who will see me, and realize that I'm the one for him. But deep down inside, everyday, I wish you realize I'm it for you. That’s why when I ask how you are, I mean it. When I ask how your day was, I genuinely want to know. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying.
All I really want is for him to finally tell me how he really feels about me. That way, when I look at him, I'm not still second guessing what he really means or how he really feels. I want something concrete. I don't want to interpret anymore. I just want to know clearly what he really feels.

Feelings... *sigh*

The way he makes me feel inside. The smiles that won't go away. And the only man I want is him. And I want to love him like I have never loved anyone before. But I don't know if he wants me to love him like that. Seems like he could do without it.

Yet I have these other guys... good guys, who treat me, or go after me in the ways that I wish he would. And maybe if he wasn't in the picture, I would so probably be trying to get something started with them. But he is in the picture, and at the end of the day, I only want him, and none of these guys make me FEEL like he does.

I don't know if that makes me stupid or not. Don't know how this will turn out. But when I'm with him, I'm just so happy. When I kiss him, I have this uncontrollable smile that won't go away. This deep feeling inside that makes me giddy and happy. When I look at him, and I hear him talk, and when he's funny, just as well as goofy, all I can think about is how beautiful he is. And I don't know what all these feelings mean, but I wish I could know how this will all end up.  Just wish I knew.