I'm so scared. So nervous. So anxious.
On my free thinking time, I think about him.
I just can't wait. Can't wait to see him.
To feel his warmth, his arms around me.
Feel his lips on mine. Feel his presence.
His spirit, his essence, his ambiance.
It scares the hell out of me.
I don't even know how I'm going to react.
I don't know if I'll freeze up. (Most likely)
But I don't want to. I want to act.
I want to be able to do everything I feel.
I want to be loosened up. I want be open.
I want to be able to receive him fully without awkwardness.
I want to tell him everything I feel.
But I can't expect anything.
Just let it all happen they way its going to happen.
But I still can't wait...
*deep sigh*
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A Real Life Fairytale - Happy 25th Anniversary!
Many Lessons Learned:
Through my parents marriage I have been able to learn what Love and Marriage is all about. They have been such a great example to me. And my hearts true desire has always been, not just to find true love, but to be just a great example to my children. I've learned what a man, a father, and a husband should be like. I have learned what a woman, a mother, and wife should be like. I have learned what Love and the belief of God can maintain. I have leaned that opposites attract. I have learned that love can truly happen at first sight. I have learned that no matter how hard it may get, when two people are committed to each other they can pass any speed bump or mountain in their road. And I couldn't be any more thankful to the Lord for blessing me to have been born from such a wonderful love. I hope to have what they have some day.Opposites Attract: The Classic Bad Boy and Good Girl Story - Love @ 1st Sight
Many people ask my parents where they are from, and they are taken back because they are actually from 2 very different areas of the Dominican Republic. My Father is from the far north east coastal corner for Dominican Republic. He has the beach in his back yard. People actually take lil boats from there and take those dangerous trips to Puerto Rico. He was a country boy. Most of his childhood without shoes. Climbing coconut trees. Riding horses bare back. Milking cows. A true country boy. He grew up with both of his parents. They were together till the day my grandfather died. Had a active father and mother in his life. My father barely finished school. Lucky he even finished his 8th grade. When he was of age, he went into the Marines. Later because a sailor and worked on a cargo ship. Traveled the seas, and went to many many countries. My father was an experienced man when he met my mother. He had many women before her, whether married, or whores, or regular chicks. A man who was truly experienced. A man who know a lot about the world. But one thing he knew when he met my mother, was that she was going to be his wife.
My mother, she was from the interior of the country. Close to the border. She was born in a lil town. Surrouned by mountains mostly. She was a true good girl. Went to school faithfully. Was a girl who at a young age cooked and cleaned the house. Her parents where very dysfunctional. My grandfather treated my grandmother like crap. Cheated on her constantly. Left her to basically work and raise my mother and her siblings on her own. So as my grandmother worked, my mom took over the house duties. A great daughter. Barely gave my grandmother any problems. She was taken to church at a very young age. Even though my grandmother wasn't Christian, my great grandmother who was, would take my mom to church. At the age of 14 my mother gave her life to God, and has been a faithful Christian ever since. My mother as a teenager, finished school. Was going to college to be a pharmicist, which later it had to be stopped because she was brought to the US. And she's just always been a simple good girl.
They met in the capital of Dominican Republic called Santo Domingo. At that my mothers family as well as part of my fathers family had moved to the city. My mother was close friends with my fathers sister. One day, when my father had docked in Dominican Republic, after one of his trips, he met my mother at his house. He was immediately taken by her. And he immediately knew he had to get her.
The next day my father went to talk to her, and he tried to be his regular slick self, but my mom wasn't having it, and didn't pay him no mind. When my father understood that he had to come correct, he came at her the right way, and my mom actually went on a date with him and everything. Anyways in one of those discussion about life and marriage my father tells my mother that he would marry her, and she would become his wife, but that she should know that he doesn't eat rice & beans & chicken everyday, that one day he may want pork, or fish, meaning that he will have women on the side. But that either way, she will always be the main one. At that point, my mother, after seeing everything her mother went through, being in a relationship where my grandfather didn't respect her, cheated on her, and left her alone to fend for herself, because she should've been satisfied with the "wife" title, she stopped dealing with my father. Thats exactly what she didn't want. And she refused to accept that. So she left my father alone. Plus, from everything she learned in church, she knew that she shouldn't and couldn't marry a man who wasn't a christian. So she moved on, knowing that if this what he offered, he wasn't the one for her, especially since he wasn't Christian, and a Christian man wouldn't offer her something like that anyways. My father kept trying to get to her, even after she moved to NY when she finally got her papers, but she didn't budge.
My mother gave herself worth. Her actions were actions of a woman deserving the best. She didn't settle for less. As a woman of God she believed that God would send her the right man. A family man who would love her, and be there for her and her children. As a young woman, she didn't chase after my father either. She let him come after her, which is something women seem to forget these days.
My mother has always been what my father saw in his mother. A woman who took care of her home. Cooked, cleaned. Submissive. Faithful. Took care of him as he was a king, and took care of his children to the fullest. My father left the house without worry, because he knew everything would be ok. He had a faithful companion. The perfect compliment. The perfect mate. The perfect partner. A supporter. She made him better. He trusted her fully with his life, his money, and his legacy. He had a real woman, a real mother, and a real wife by his side.
They both fully understood and took their roles to the heart. It came natural for them to be who they were. They had choosen wisely. And thats why their relationship has worked and lasted so long.
There's a lot more things I have learned from my parents. Throughout time I will continue to share. This one is getting very long. But for now, I just want to say... Happy Anniversary Mami y Papi! I love you both so much!
My mother, she was from the interior of the country. Close to the border. She was born in a lil town. Surrouned by mountains mostly. She was a true good girl. Went to school faithfully. Was a girl who at a young age cooked and cleaned the house. Her parents where very dysfunctional. My grandfather treated my grandmother like crap. Cheated on her constantly. Left her to basically work and raise my mother and her siblings on her own. So as my grandmother worked, my mom took over the house duties. A great daughter. Barely gave my grandmother any problems. She was taken to church at a very young age. Even though my grandmother wasn't Christian, my great grandmother who was, would take my mom to church. At the age of 14 my mother gave her life to God, and has been a faithful Christian ever since. My mother as a teenager, finished school. Was going to college to be a pharmicist, which later it had to be stopped because she was brought to the US. And she's just always been a simple good girl.
They met in the capital of Dominican Republic called Santo Domingo. At that my mothers family as well as part of my fathers family had moved to the city. My mother was close friends with my fathers sister. One day, when my father had docked in Dominican Republic, after one of his trips, he met my mother at his house. He was immediately taken by her. And he immediately knew he had to get her.
Know Your Worth:
My father from the moment he lef t his parents home he became the provider for his family. He's the 3rd of 12, and his older brothers left and took on their own lives, but my father didn't. He actually basically left to work to bring up his family. And he bought my aunt her first house. They were the first in their neighborhood to have a phone line, thanks to my dad. My dad worked and they all basically were able to live well through him. He was their foundation, because he knew he had to help my aunts and his lil brothers come up. And he did that for many years. Always sending them money. Anyways, when my father came into the city, it was a huge party. The day my parents met, my mother recalls she was outside with one of his sisters talking to her, and all the sudden another one of my aunts starts screaming that my father was home, and basically everyone ran to see him. He was kind of a big deal. Immediately, he sent for them to bring the case loads of beers, and basically the party started. My mother came in and met him, but she didn't stay, because my mother has never been the party type. So she said hello, and then left. But in that lil time she caught my fathers eye.The next day my father went to talk to her, and he tried to be his regular slick self, but my mom wasn't having it, and didn't pay him no mind. When my father understood that he had to come correct, he came at her the right way, and my mom actually went on a date with him and everything. Anyways in one of those discussion about life and marriage my father tells my mother that he would marry her, and she would become his wife, but that she should know that he doesn't eat rice & beans & chicken everyday, that one day he may want pork, or fish, meaning that he will have women on the side. But that either way, she will always be the main one. At that point, my mother, after seeing everything her mother went through, being in a relationship where my grandfather didn't respect her, cheated on her, and left her alone to fend for herself, because she should've been satisfied with the "wife" title, she stopped dealing with my father. Thats exactly what she didn't want. And she refused to accept that. So she left my father alone. Plus, from everything she learned in church, she knew that she shouldn't and couldn't marry a man who wasn't a christian. So she moved on, knowing that if this what he offered, he wasn't the one for her, especially since he wasn't Christian, and a Christian man wouldn't offer her something like that anyways. My father kept trying to get to her, even after she moved to NY when she finally got her papers, but she didn't budge.
My mother gave herself worth. Her actions were actions of a woman deserving the best. She didn't settle for less. As a woman of God she believed that God would send her the right man. A family man who would love her, and be there for her and her children. As a young woman, she didn't chase after my father either. She let him come after her, which is something women seem to forget these days.
Whats Meant To Be Will Be:
My father continued with his life after my mom rejected his horrible offer. He was basically a alcoholic. Messing with many women. But for some reason, he still sent letters to my mother. My mother always gave him the word of God. Hoping that he would turn his life around. Not for her, but for his well being. One day, my father was out looking for a bar. And for some reason that night, he just couldn't find it. No matter how many times he looked, he couldn't find it, and instead stumbled inside a church. And that night and in that church, he gave his life to God. Funny part is the next day when he returned to church, the bar was right next to it. LOL. Anyways, my father immediately changed his life around. And when he was finally right, he went after my mother again. He called her and gave her the news. My mother at first was skeptical. She wasn't sure to believe him. But she spoke to someone of the church my father atteneded one day, and they reassured her of my fathers change. Soon went after her to NY, married her, and that day they moved to Miami to live a life as husband and wife.Know Your Role:
My parents can admit, that my mother got a good man with my dad, just as my father got a good woman with my mom. My father has been everything she always wanted from her father basically. My father has been a man for his family. Even before he had a family of his own, he was taking care of his siblings. When he got married, he continued. He worked his ass off from my mother and us, his kids. He left early in the morning to work, came in the afternoons, brung my mother the money, then we all went to church. Always a provider. Always there to discipline us. He has always been faithful. Always a real man, a real father, a real husband.
My parents can admit, that my mother got a good man with my dad, just as my father got a good woman with my mom. My father has been everything she always wanted from her father basically. My father has been a man for his family. Even before he had a family of his own, he was taking care of his siblings. When he got married, he continued. He worked his ass off from my mother and us, his kids. He left early in the morning to work, came in the afternoons, brung my mother the money, then we all went to church. Always a provider. Always there to discipline us. He has always been faithful. Always a real man, a real father, a real husband.
My mother has always been what my father saw in his mother. A woman who took care of her home. Cooked, cleaned. Submissive. Faithful. Took care of him as he was a king, and took care of his children to the fullest. My father left the house without worry, because he knew everything would be ok. He had a faithful companion. The perfect compliment. The perfect mate. The perfect partner. A supporter. She made him better. He trusted her fully with his life, his money, and his legacy. He had a real woman, a real mother, and a real wife by his side.
They both fully understood and took their roles to the heart. It came natural for them to be who they were. They had choosen wisely. And thats why their relationship has worked and lasted so long.
Two Imperfect Souls, Perfect For Each Other:
Now I may have made them sound perfect so far. But as a real witness I know they aren't. There are many things that my father has that irks the crap out of my mother, and vice versa. They both have their things that I'm sure, they didn't know before they got married. My father in the beginning know how to romance my mother, because he had game, but after marriage, he has gotten lazy I guess. And he has a problem with expressing his feelings verbal wise. While my mother although a quiet one in the beginning of the marriage, has now become very vocal. She fusses, and can nag, and yell, and go off on anything. But throughout the years they have learned equality, and balance of powers. They have had real bad arguments, but they know how to get back to it. And as the years go by, they only get closer.There's a lot more things I have learned from my parents. Throughout time I will continue to share. This one is getting very long. But for now, I just want to say... Happy Anniversary Mami y Papi! I love you both so much!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
So Tired...
I'm tired. I'm just soooo tired...
And maybe you can help me...
Because I'm just so tired...
What is it with the constant offers of sex?
I'm talking about the dudes that fill my inbox,
with messages of the "amazing" things they would love to do to me.
And some of them are creative, but others, I swear they must be the same person.
I really don't get it! Is that all they can offer me?!
Am I giving the wrong message?
Am I presenting myself in a way that says that I want sex badly?
Because I don't get it. Is that all they have.
How about offering to touch my soul?
How about offering to make my heart smile?
How about telling me how you are ready to begin a long journey into my inner being because you want to know everything and anything about me, to get to know me in a way, I don't even know myself?
Why doesn't anyone offer me that?
Am I showing to much cleavage? Because I swear I don't try.
Its not my fault my stupid boobs are big.
I would trade them for a smaller pair ANY day.
Is it that? Because I don't get it?
Or is what I'm asking for something so hard to do?
Is it hard to make my heart ache in a good way?
Because maybe they don't know, but the simplest things would do.
The smallest show of care and thought would make my heart skip a beat.
I just want it to be genuine and real...
Lol... Smh... I guess thats it right there...
No one is up to genuinely open themselves fully to someone.
Letting out the smallest cheesy quirky parts of them.
*raises hand* I'm guilty... I'm scared too.
Scared to open myself in such a way to someone.
Partly because I don't think anyone could handle it.
No one would be able to handle my emotions.
Because they even scare me at times and make me cry.
So I keep them at bay. So I won't scare anyone off.
So they won't be afraid of me, and decide to run because they can't handle such a great love.
Yeah... I don't. I just keep it locked up in my treasure chest.
*shrug* Doesn't matter anyway... all they want is whats between my legs.
Thats all they care for.
But what they don't get is, until you touch my soul, I won't be spreading my legs.
So I let them waste their breathes.
Ignore them until they get tired.
And continue guarding my chest.
Until that day...
If that day ever comes...
And maybe you can help me...
Because I'm just so tired...
What is it with the constant offers of sex?
I'm talking about the dudes that fill my inbox,
with messages of the "amazing" things they would love to do to me.
And some of them are creative, but others, I swear they must be the same person.
I really don't get it! Is that all they can offer me?!
Am I giving the wrong message?
Am I presenting myself in a way that says that I want sex badly?
Because I don't get it. Is that all they have.
How about offering to touch my soul?
How about offering to make my heart smile?
How about telling me how you are ready to begin a long journey into my inner being because you want to know everything and anything about me, to get to know me in a way, I don't even know myself?
Why doesn't anyone offer me that?
Am I showing to much cleavage? Because I swear I don't try.
Its not my fault my stupid boobs are big.
I would trade them for a smaller pair ANY day.
Is it that? Because I don't get it?
Or is what I'm asking for something so hard to do?
Is it hard to make my heart ache in a good way?
Because maybe they don't know, but the simplest things would do.
The smallest show of care and thought would make my heart skip a beat.
I just want it to be genuine and real...
Lol... Smh... I guess thats it right there...
No one is up to genuinely open themselves fully to someone.
Letting out the smallest cheesy quirky parts of them.
*raises hand* I'm guilty... I'm scared too.
Scared to open myself in such a way to someone.
Partly because I don't think anyone could handle it.
No one would be able to handle my emotions.
Because they even scare me at times and make me cry.
So I keep them at bay. So I won't scare anyone off.
So they won't be afraid of me, and decide to run because they can't handle such a great love.
Yeah... I don't. I just keep it locked up in my treasure chest.
*shrug* Doesn't matter anyway... all they want is whats between my legs.
Thats all they care for.
But what they don't get is, until you touch my soul, I won't be spreading my legs.
So I let them waste their breathes.
Ignore them until they get tired.
And continue guarding my chest.
Until that day...
If that day ever comes...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Real Deal
I don't think that you understand
like really comprehend this.
I'm not overexaggerating.
I'm not saying it just to say it
and I sure as hell am not lying.
There isn't anyone else
who has a chance right now
because all I want is you
but I guess when I really think about it,
it always comes down to me and you.
You have my whole heart
for better or for worse
you are the one I have feelings for,
and no other person
could ever measure up.
I don't want no one else to hold me,
don't care for any others kisses,
all I want is you and all you have to give
If that makes me crazy,
Then so be it.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Ode to couples...
As of lately I have come to notice the interactions of couples.
The way they seem to have this speccial attention for each other.
Holding hands, caressing their faces together.
Whispering secrets to each other that cause small giggles and smiles.
Slow dances at a club. Riding together in a car.
Singing to each other. Taking care of each other.
Its a beautiful sight to see and witness.
I love seeing the public display of affection.
And I steal from their joy and love, and let it fill my heart.
Yet at the same time I begin to yearn.
Because I want that as well.
I want to not just witness it, but I want to experience it.
I want to know what love is. I want to have that special relationship.
I want my man to hold me, to secure his arms around my body, claiming me.
I want him to kiss the nape of my neck.
I want him to show me how much he wants me.
And I want to do the same with him.
I want to feel comfortable enough to kiss him, hug him, grab him when I want.
Maybe scars from my pass make me reluctant to do so now.
But hopefully the man for me will make me feel good enough to be open to it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Let me...
In the grand scheme of things,
am I suppose to believe
that in reality theres truly an opporunity,
For him to eventually love me for me.
I picture things so differently,
For inside my own mind and in my soul
I see a man loving me for so much more.
And yes I would love to arouse him immensely,
taking him on a mental and body high sexually,
but I want him to get pass the appearance,
and love me for my willingness to understand.
I want him to admire my unmoving loyalty,
I want him to yearn my love more than good company,
To envision a life where me being missing,
Is something he can't possibly see happening.
I want my big heart to be his morning sunshine,
My love to be his evening moonlight.
Our conversations being of great quality,
bringing out the best of our personalities.
A love building a friendship with stability,
Where we grew with each other indefinitely.
But sometimes this all seems to be too good to be true.
Because we all know that falling in love brings pain on its own.
Yet I know that he who is suppose to be,
will allow our hearts be the king and queen
of our decisions and our love making,
Two hearts not afraid of what its chasing.
But putting all its got to get that "fairytale" happy ending.
 |
| I want you to let me love you, but for real... |
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
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