Hate Being Incepted!

I hate when my dreams are incepted.

I hate when he decides to make unwanted appearances in my subconscious mind.

And there, in those realms where all the impossible and all the desires seem to work themselves out,

I see him and he says and does the things that I have always wanted him to say and do.

I don’t go to sleep thinking of him.

I don’t wish upon a star for him.

Yet, here he is again, bringing trouble to my only state where I am happy.

I saw him lastnight…

And as my eyes opened up to the reality, everything began to hurt again.

I close my eyes and all I see is your face; then when they are open again, all I see is an open space.

I hate that interacting with you has messed me up all over again.

My head is a fucking mess, and now I have to work at fixing it again.

I don’t want to desire you. I don’t want you to want me back.

I don’t want to care for you. I don’t want to cry.

Will this ever change? Will I ever not be affected by you?

In my dream you said all the perfect words… Smh

Why do I love you, when clearly it will never change anything.

I still love you, but I’m so done trying, I’m done fighting because its supposedly “worth” it.

But what about me? Am I not worth it? Do I not get a chance to be fought for?

Clearly I must not be that to you. If so, let me know when you miss me.

People say that the bad memories cause the most pain, but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane.

"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them." ~ John Green

Don't act like you don't care, then turn round and say you do, because the words you say when you're not caring have a bigger impact on me than when you pretend to care.

Fuck it. Fuck the, "He won't know what he has until it's gone." bullshit.

I want a kid that's going to know what he has when he has it, not when it's too late.

I can only imagine our first encounter.

If its up to me, I would never let it happen.

I can see myself seeing you.

And at that moment all my feelings rushing back.

And to be polite and act as if everything is ok, I will smile.

And my smile will be big and real.

Because in reality just seeing would bring me joy

But deep down I would be hurting inside.

And I will say Hello, and give you a kiss on the cheek

And wrap my arms around you for a hug.

But as I pull away, I can imagine the sharp pain.

And I will try my best to say Good bye and leave.

But I bet small talk will most surely begin.

And during this small talk I will try my best to act with ease.

I will laugh and smile and comment and breathe

While inside I am hurting, and burning, and ready to bleed.

And once this 1 1/2 minute conversation ends,

I will turn around and walk away.

Find the nearest and closes place where I could hide

And let all the tears and pain that I've been holding inside,

Finally make its way out of my eyes.

It will be the most heartbreaking enounter in my life.

Because all I would ever want in my first encounter with you

Is to hold you forever, and kiss you with all the passion I have for you.