Let me...

In the grand scheme of things,

am I suppose to believe

that in reality theres truly an opporunity,

For him to eventually love me for me.

I picture things so differently,

For inside my own mind and in my soul

I see a man loving me for so much more.

And yes I would love to arouse him immensely,

taking him on a mental and body high sexually,

but I want him to get pass the appearance,

and love me for my willingness to understand.

I want him to admire my unmoving loyalty,

I want him to yearn my love more than good company,

To envision a life where me being missing,

Is something he can't possibly see happening.

I want my big heart to be his morning sunshine,

My love to be his evening moonlight.

Our conversations being of great quality,

bringing out the best of our personalities.

A love building a friendship with stability,

Where we grew with each other indefinitely.

But sometimes this all seems to be too good to be true.

Because we all know that falling in love brings pain on its own.

Yet I know that he who is suppose to be,

will allow our hearts be the king and queen

of our decisions and our love making,

Two hearts not afraid of what its chasing.

But putting all its got to get that "fairytale" happy ending.

I want you to let me love you, but for real...

National Kissing Day

You're the only person I want to kiss, now and forever...

Shower Relevation

After sparing some words with my sisters before jumping in the shower about a certain situation, something that I said kept ringing in my ear. "At the end its y'all lives and y'all have to live it, not me." And as I kept thinking of that, I realized how I have changed in the past year. Currently in my life, I have truly been in the pursuit of my happiness. For so long in my life I constantly listened to what everyone else believed was best for me. And yes, as a child and teenager, when my definition of good and bad still wasn't clear due to immaturity, I needed that guidance, I needed to be told. And my parents did an awesome job at it. And for a while I did what others said would make me happy, and did thins to make others happy as well. But now as an adult, and now as I see more of the world, and I see more of what’s put there, I have started to get to know other sides of me. I have come to get a better view of what can and will make me happy. I've always relied my happiness on other people. On doing what made others happy, and what others told me would make me happy. And I did get a satisfaction in making others happy, but to a certain extent. Yes, it makes me happy to see the people I love happy, but at the end of the day, some of the things I would have to sacrifice and give in to left me unfulfilled, and without real joy. I see so many things clearer now.

The past year, I went after something I wanted. It was a life changing decision. It has truly changed my life in a good way and it hit me out of nowhere. One day I woke up and I said I want this. And I called my mother and I told her. And my mother talked to me about it and then told me how to do it, and gave me all her support. During the process in acquiring what I wanted, I had lots of people try to instill doubts. I had many people try to change my mind. As well as I had the few, that understood that this was going to make me happy, and that I should go for it. (My mom, Marleni, and Gee.) Others were probably scared for me, others probably thought I was stupid, but inside I had a feeling like what I was doing was good. I had the good gut feeling. In my heart, I felt happy about it. And in my mind I saw how it was good for me logically.

Now recently, I have come to another life changing decision. Once again, it just hit me one day out of nowhere, and I feel the same good feeling about it, and I'm getting the same doubts from others. But I also have the support of my mother, of my BFF Mar, and of Gee once again. LOL And I'm going for it, and I'm not changing my mind. These two decisions have so many of the same parallels, that it sometimes overwhelms me. And it’s even more reason for me to follow it through.

Since I have began this new set of mind where I go for what makes ME happy, my life has been so much better. I have been able to actually be happy. For so long, I lived this somewhat depressed life, for so long, I was so caged up, and now that I'm on my pursuit of happiness, I live so much better. I wish I had known earlier, but everything happens for a reason, and everything happens at the right time. From now on, I will continue to follow this. I will continue to pursue MY happiness. And for those who don't, I urge you to do so. Stop thinking about others so much, and be selfish a little bit. Be selfish about your happiness.

I am officially breaking the mold that was made for me, and I am going after my freedom. I am going after the road of self-finding and pursuit of happiness. I am going to go for the things that will make ME happy. I am going to follow my heart. I refuse to be locked down by the thoughts and judgments of others, and I'm going to be ME. Apart from my innocent behavior, open heart, and "soft" like character, I believe I'm so much stronger, and I know that I can do so much more and be so much more than what I am now.

I want to thank my mother. The woman that has always looked for my happiness, and for my well being. And even though sometimes she stands behind her Christian’s belief, there are moments where she shows so much understanding. She shows that even though she has strong Christian beliefs, she understands my woes and life apart from that. And she in a way, always guides me to go for what will make me, Sarai Cordero, happy. I love that woman with all my heart. And I don't even want to think of my life without her, but I am confident that she's raising me and making me into a person strong enough to live in a world without her, and that’s why she has supported me in my decisions. And I know that if I have her blessing and her support, overall, what I do is a good thing. As Tupac said "Ain't no woman alive that can take my mommas place... you are appreciated."

Marleni Orellana, I love you in a way I am sometimes scared to express. But you have been such an essential person in my life. You have supported and believed in me when I didn't. You have always been there, no matter what. You are the definition of a true friend. You give sooo much of yourself for everyone else and their happiness and their friends. And I feel like you don't go after yours. I know hopefully you'll learn to look out for yourself, and your happiness first before anyone else. I really hope you do, because I want you to LIVE your life. I want you to truly be happy for yourself, not feed off the happiness of others. I want you to find your own personal joy and happiness. So my dear friend, FOLLOW YOUR HEART, AND GO FOR WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!

Gary... you know how they say people come into our life for a reason, for some reason since your entry into mine, my life has made such a turn for good. So many good things have happened, because you triggered so many good things inside of me. My life has been overturned into a good place. I have learned and grown so much through and because of you and I will forever be thankful and forever love you. I don't know what your role in my life will be in my future, I know what I want it to be, and I'll fight for it, but at the end if I'm wrong, and it turns out to be something else, you'll always have a special place in my heart.

LOVING THE PURSUIT OF MY HAPPINESS!!! =D

Princess

A Princess is not a Princess because she is felt but a Princess is a Princess because failure has not stopped her... Hate it or Love it, I believe in Fairytales... 

Before the conception of Isaac Sarah was called Sarai, probably also a derivation of the same word, meaning my princess.

Auroroa: Well, I'm really not supposed to speak to strangers, but we've met before.

Philip: Where?

Aurora: Once upon a dream. 

 To spend a life of endless bliss, just find who you love through true love's kiss.

 From this day on now and forever more, you'll be in my heart. - Tarzan

 “Mom, Listen, I have been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. ‘Kay, that’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks... in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those “the lost years”. Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that’s, that’s what I feel is love, Mom… When I’m better because she’s here… and now she won’t be. So we’re finished.”

-Cory; Boy Meets World

 Shawn: You know, he used to tell me how wonderful you were, but guys always say great things about their girlfriends until they break up. That's when the truth comes out. You know, I've waited fifteen years to find out what he really thinks about you. Do you wanna know what he thinks about you now that you've broken up?

Topanga: No. Shawn, I don't wanna talk about him.

Shawn: Now that you've broken up, he still tells me how wonderful you are.

-Boy Meets World

So this thing called Love right...

So this thing called Love right...

Yeah I've been hit, I've been bitten, shot, fallen, etc. Whatever terms you use to express that it has caught you. And, its the same guy that I have written so somberly about in the last posts where you see so much hurt and pain.

Yeah... its him. LOL

Yeah, I keep going back. Its like even when I try, and when I truly want to just be done with him, when I have come to the acceptance that I may not have him at all, my insides tell me, no matter how much you may want to get rid of him, your need is stronger. Now don't get this "need" twisted with some obsessive type of need. No, the "need" is rooted from the love I have for him.

From the love...

From the fact that I want to be with him forever. I want to hold him, kiss him. Listen to him. Play with him. Make love to him. Have kids with him. Build a home. Be the arms that transfer strength when he may need it. Be the ONLY woman to give and show him affection at night. I want us to argue, discuss, and compromise. I want to get annoyed by him, go somewhere for my space, but come back and kiss and hug him because w/e it is that he did to get me upset, isn't worth me losing him forever. I want it all with him.

But I wonder...

I wonder if he'll love me back. If he'll want to spend the rest of his days with me by his side. Will he be able to withstand me and my flaws for a long period of time. Matter a fact will he be able to love me and my flaws. Will he see me as someone that no matter what, he can't stand to lose forever.

Want to know whats funny...

I'm going all in now. Like I'm going to show him my all. I want him to see everything. Because if there's anything about me he may not like, or can be a deal breaker, I rather him know NOW! And I can admit. Anytime I reveal something to him I'm scared that this can be the thing that will make him say "Naw..." but I don't care. Because I want to be 100% me, so that when he loves me, he will never be surprised by me. He will know all that I am, and I'll be sure that he will love me forever.

Now the hills....

I don't know how many times we've been up and down. And I don't know what that means. I don't know if maybe once we're together face to face maybe it'll be more stable. If not, I just wouldn't know anymore...

Enough of those thoughts, back to love...
In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder. Love is fragile and we're not always it's best caretakers. Even the best of us make mistakes. We just muddle through and do the best we can to hope this fragile thing survives by all odds.

Shrug...

So something nice happened to my sister. And I'm super duper happy for her. Some really cute football player hollered at her at work, and she actually had to balls to call him when he left his number. And she noticed that he's a real cool interesting guy. She's liking him. And I really wish this can be the beginning of a fairytale for her. If I can't have one, I sure hope she does.

I have my 2nd lil sister, who's in a relationship with a really good looking 26 year old, whos a goooooooood guy, wants all the right things by her. Wants to marry her, take care of her, give her children, and be the right man for her, and all she can think about is thats, she wants to party, and have fun.

The irony of the world. Things that I look for. Things that my bestfriend look for in guys, we can't get. Maybe because they are short, petite, and beautiful. While, I'm nice, I guess. I can't even get the one guy that I do want, to want me back. I can't get him to give me the things that I crave frm him. And I have this huge fairytale wish in my mind, and I'll give up the "fairytale" just to be with him.

*sigh* Life is so unfair... =(

Am I ready?

I hope I don't get killed for this...

I believe that everyone is self-conscious/insecure. Deep down we are. I don't think no one is 100% of the time thinking I'm the shit. So my question is, its normal to be scared right? Ok, my issue is... I know I'm beautiful inside and out. And as someone has mentioned to me before about knowing my worth... I know it. I believe I have a lot of good to offer to the man that truly desires to dissect me to my core and overpass my "problems". I really do. But I get scared. Sometimes I think, what if I'm not good enough, what if I'm not smart enough, what if I'm not pretty enough, what if I'm not freaky enough, what if I'm not experienced enough? What if I'm not strong enough? I just want to know if its normal to be scared, because if its not, if doubting myself means that I need to continue to work on myself (Although to me, working on yourself is a life long process, due to the different stages in life, we have to constantly change and adapt) then I want to know. Basically, during my constant self-reflecting, I always wonder if I am truly ready. In my mind I say that I am, but then again, I am my biggest critic. Ok, so I have a better question...

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE READY TO LOVE!?

Things I'm scared to tell you...

1- Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for you. Like I'm not pretty enough. Smart enough. Creative enough. Freaky enough. Experienced enough. Strong enough. And it scares me...


2- Why have you never called me beautiful? Not that I'm fishing for compliments. Or that I need reassurance, because not only do I get complimented all the time, but deep down inside I know I'm beautiful inside out. But, you've never said it. I wonder why... To me, I would tell you every day how beautiful you are. I would tell you how sexy you look. How I love your eyes, and your nose, and your chin. I know the compliments might get tiring, so I might not say it everyday. But any chance where its fitting, I will. But I've never gotten any of that from you. And it would mean so much to hear it from YOU. Unless you don't think I'm beautiful, and therefore I totally understand.

I wish you were here with me. I wish I was there with you. but most of all, I wish I didn't have to wish for you, I wish I just had you already!

Yeah... I'm still thinking about kissing you... I think I always will... Even after I finally kiss you.

So just kiss me and let my hair messy itself in your fingers and let me steady myself in the arms of a man that won't ask me to be what he needs, but lets me exist as I am.