WhAtS wRoNg wItH mE?!?!?!

What is wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me. I look at myself constantly pointing out my imperfections, blaming myself for my loneliness, for my sadness. I am the cause of this. So many ppl call me smiley, or so many ppl say that i am always so friendly. If they only knew my troubles inside, how miserable i felt, how i can't stand to be with myself. Sometimes i wanna fall in a deep state of depression, i wanna get sick, i want to just give up, put all my strengths aside and just be depressed. just hate myself, and loathe in my own sadness. just give up this fight i have with myself where i keep my mind and soul from falling into that ditch. I WANT TO GIVE UP. Can i just fall into that quick sand, and not struggle to get out or call for help. Im sick and tired of fighting, im just wanna stop. I was driving one morning, on my way to school, and i was on the highway. I was physically and unconsciously driving, but in my mind i was drowning myself in my own pool of misery, when a car all the sudden gets infront of me. And for that less then a second, i didnt want to put the brakes. i didnt want to stop myself from slamming into that car, and almost putting myself through death. for that less then a second i wanted to die. and in that less of a second, i pictured my car hitting that car, twirling in the air, falling upside down, ambulance rushing, they get me out the car, im on the ride to the hospital fighting for my life, my family in panic, im laying in a bed in a coma, the church praying for my health, my friends upset and sadden becuase of my state, yet me laying in that hospital bed gone, in a world beyond this, where i dont have worries, and i look back at myself in that bed and i tell myself, i dont wanna come back, yet, i see my family suffering and i hurt, seeing my whole life going down the drain, everything i worked for in the garbage becuase i wont be able to come back to life. and that lil stench of reality makes me put my foot on that brakes. I almost gave up in that less of a second. Maybe i do have some strength inside. I just hope the next time that less of a second is enough, i hope next time it doesnt take longer, becuase then i dont know if ill have the mental strength to put the foot on the brakes.