Just One of Those Days #1

I titled it #1 because I feel as if this won't be the last, even though I wish it was.

It's just one of those days today. I feel real sucky and down, and I really don't even know the reasons why. I have a this feeling inside, its like I have a hole in my chest, and I have no clue where it came from. It hurts, and I have no real way of knowing how to patch it up. All I can really do, is just sulk, especially because I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Whether because I feel like no one cares, or I just feel real embarrassed to show this weak side of me. It makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am such a loser for even feeling this way. As I sit here and contemplate on this feeling, I realize that its more like a blackhole, as if its sucking me inside of it with its hard gravitational force. Somethings wrong and I can't pinpoint it...FUDGE! I am though really turned of by some situations with certain people in my life. I feel like because of thier immaturity (and yes they are adult older then men, so immaturity shouldn't even be the issue with them) and their mouths, all I want to do is really pull myself away from them, anywhere they are, and anything I have to share with them. In reality, I really wish I could just move out to a whole new and different place, and just be a whole new me. Just do everything and anything I want to do, and not worry about what people think, because since I won't really know any of these people, I wont care about their feelings and thoughts. Alaska sounds real good after all.....take me with you.

I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.

The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

By Tupac Shakur

Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......

THE PLACEBO

Years of treatment have brought this young women to what she is now. Constantly being treated and cured but only falling into the same state. She has lost all hope in her emotional health. But her last experience has definitely damaged her life forever:

When she had lost all hope in in her life, when she felt the loneliest and the most misfortune, she was brought this new medicine for her. When it was presented to her, she had a gut feeling it wouldn't work, but because of her hopeful heart she gave in to begin the treatment. As the time passed she witnessed great happiness. She found herself actually happy, thinking this was finally it. She thought that finally the one above found mercy in her life, and gave her what she most wanted. She would find herself understanding every bird song. Looking at the world and the earth with a great new view, yet deep down she had a feeling it would end. In due time her gut feeling was proven right. She was told the medicine was just a placebo. It was a sugar pill meant to mentally fake happiness into her life. The medicine was all a lie. It didn't exist, it wasn't real, it was just a disguise. A placebo that made her think her life was better, a placebo that made her mind make up this fake feeling of well being and good health. Whoever thought that this would make her lasting days better was only mistaken. The placebo had used her last notch of hope. Now she only feels anger, and disillusion. She feels hopeless and hurt, She has given up on her life, and anything good in it. Now as shes dying inside, she only hate those who thought the placebo was a way to give her some time of happiness. Because she would've rather kept living with ignorant hope, then being deceived and betrayed, now living hopeless and in pain. The beautiful sugar pill that faked happiness only finished causing her much more pain then before. Now her heart has stop beating, and love is something that she has lost hope in. Like a placebo, his lies made her believe, but his betrayal only killed the last bit of hope she had inside. The betrayal injected in her heart caused it to freeze and stop beating. Now shes a cold hearted human being. Walking in this world filled of hurt and pain, completely not believing in any good thing she sees. Only scared that it can be a placebo once again. The cure to her pain still has not been found, and like cancer shes most likely to die, then a cure ever being found.
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Now playing: Aventura - Dile al Amor
via FoxyTunes

WhAtS wRoNg wItH mE?!?!?!

What is wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me. I look at myself constantly pointing out my imperfections, blaming myself for my loneliness, for my sadness. I am the cause of this. So many ppl call me smiley, or so many ppl say that i am always so friendly. If they only knew my troubles inside, how miserable i felt, how i can't stand to be with myself. Sometimes i wanna fall in a deep state of depression, i wanna get sick, i want to just give up, put all my strengths aside and just be depressed. just hate myself, and loathe in my own sadness. just give up this fight i have with myself where i keep my mind and soul from falling into that ditch. I WANT TO GIVE UP. Can i just fall into that quick sand, and not struggle to get out or call for help. Im sick and tired of fighting, im just wanna stop. I was driving one morning, on my way to school, and i was on the highway. I was physically and unconsciously driving, but in my mind i was drowning myself in my own pool of misery, when a car all the sudden gets infront of me. And for that less then a second, i didnt want to put the brakes. i didnt want to stop myself from slamming into that car, and almost putting myself through death. for that less then a second i wanted to die. and in that less of a second, i pictured my car hitting that car, twirling in the air, falling upside down, ambulance rushing, they get me out the car, im on the ride to the hospital fighting for my life, my family in panic, im laying in a bed in a coma, the church praying for my health, my friends upset and sadden becuase of my state, yet me laying in that hospital bed gone, in a world beyond this, where i dont have worries, and i look back at myself in that bed and i tell myself, i dont wanna come back, yet, i see my family suffering and i hurt, seeing my whole life going down the drain, everything i worked for in the garbage becuase i wont be able to come back to life. and that lil stench of reality makes me put my foot on that brakes. I almost gave up in that less of a second. Maybe i do have some strength inside. I just hope the next time that less of a second is enough, i hope next time it doesnt take longer, becuase then i dont know if ill have the mental strength to put the foot on the brakes.