Random Freewrite

Ocean of Tears

As I feel on the verge of breaking down, I decide to shower. I convinced myself that if I put myself under the water head and cried, my tears would get lost among the water coming down my face. So I stand under the water, and the tears begin to fall, and as they make their way over my mountainous cheeks, and down my face, they reach the corners of my mouth. They sneak themselves inside, and make contact with my taste bugs, making sure that they're presence would be known....next time, I'll just take a trip to the beach. There in the ocean, their presence would be lost among its peers.


The Conversationalist

The man that I'll love will share endless conversations with me. In person, or through the sound waves of a telephone, or the screen of a computer or cellphone. We will indulge in discussions, explanations, stories, of fiction or non fiction topics or subjects, where imagination and reality will mix like the beautiful colors of a visible light spectrum. He will entertain my wild imagination, exploring my mind, and I would do the same with his. We will feed off each others statements and thoughts, never getting enough, and always wanting to want more. The man that I love will know how to equally balance listening, and sharing. Giving me just as much as I'm giving. This will be something I will find in the man that I'll love.


Scared of Lonely

I came along a terrible realization the other day. Something that shook me alert of a hereditary defect in my family. I looked about my uncles and aunts and I realized that out of the 14 aunts and uncles I have, only 1 has a perfectly functional family, the rest either never married, got divorced, and if they are married, its not a stable home. So statistically there is a 13% chance of having a perfectly functional family according to the patterns in my family. I began to wonder, where would I fall? Will I be one of the ones that end up being old and alone?


Last

It seems like all the good girls and guys end up finishing last. Yet, the bible says that the first will be last and the last will be first. Which I can relate. I always seem to be the first to love, the first to give, the first to get hurt. The first to love, and the last to be loved, if loved at all. So I guess I should switch sides now. Because I seem to always lose by being on the good side. Evil seems to always prevail. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being the good heart dumb-ass that gets taken advantage of. Tired of being the one who gets cut first, and last to move on. They say the last to laugh, laughs harder. But I have yet to see that happen.

Hey May!!

Well Hello May, you almost left without me leaving a blog stamped in your month. Unfortunately, like most of the entries in this blog, this isn't one as happy. Yet, you know this blog is where I come to when I feel like no one either understands, or care to listen to me, so that makes you very special.

To begin, Saturday night I had a blast at a reunion/party with all my friends from High School, who I missed soooo much, and was so happy to see. Yet, I woke up this morning with a headache, and just haven't been feeling the day period. Church was more of a drag today, then afterwards I was at home and chilled and we went to the beach. The ocean was deep, rough, and dirty with seaweed. It was a mimic of this feeling I had. I had this real deep, rough, dirty feeling inside, and I didn't know where it came from, or what it meant. So I get home and I decide to go to the movies, to see a movie that might cheer me up, and it didn't go through. So I guess with that final disappointment, on the drive home, I just started to cry.

I was feeling so low, I was feeling like crap. I tried to look for my friends, but some weren't there. Some I don't think, and I didn't try to make them understand. It was one of those moments where I wanted to sulk in my emotions, but I wanted for at least one person to reach out and maybe that would've helped me feel cared about, maybe that would've made me feel less lonely.

Oh well blog, I have to be up in less then 3 hours to go out walking with my bro. I'll get back at you ASAP! Laterzzz

I'M ME!!!

*WARNING! THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS FILLED WITH EXPLICIT WORDS*

FUCK YOU!!! I CAN'T FUCKING SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, BUT I CAN SURE AS HELL SCREAM THROUGH THIS PAGE!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK THIS WORLD!!! FUCK EVERYBODY!!! EVERY FUCKING SELFISH INDIVIDUAL!!! FUCK YOU!!!


Why?

FUCK ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS AND SON OF A BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU, BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS YOUR FUCKING SELF. FUCK YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME. WELL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT SHIT I DON'T LIKE AS WELL. WHY DON'T YOU CHANGE THAT. WHY DO I HAVE TO SENSOR MYSELF AND I HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK I AM BECAUSE YOU SO CALL DON'T LIKE THAT. WELL HOW ABOUT YOU CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. HOW ABOUT YOU SENSOR YOURSELF TO SOMETHING I LIKE. BUT WOULD I EVER ASK THAT FROM YOU!! OF COURSE I FUCKING WON'T!!! WHY BECAUSE THAT'S WHO YOU FUCKING ARE, AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE YOU. AND IF I DON'T LIKE IT, WHY SHOULD I DEAL WITH A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU ANYWAYS. BUT I DO, I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE ME, OHHHH FUCKING WELL. BE GONE, ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!


What?

SO YEAH I'M A BIT CRAZY, I CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. I CAN BE FUCKING DRAMATIC. OH WELL THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM, I'M FUCKING DRAMATIC. I GO OFF ON EMOTIONS FIRST, THAN LOGICAL THINKING. I DON'T FIT THE SUPERMODEL AND/OR VIDEO MODEL AND/OR CELEBRITY MOLD. I LIKE TO BE HELD. I SOMETIMES LIKE ATTENTION, SOMETIMES I WANT TO BE INVISIBLE. I LIKE TO BABBLE TO THOSE WILLING TO LISTEN (WHICH IS BASICALLY NO ONE). I HAVE A RIDICULOUS MIND FULL OF FANTASIES. I CAN BE INSECURE. I CAN BE SLOW AND A LITTLE OBLIVIOUS, BUT I CAN ALSO BE VERY ATTENTIVE. I TEND TO OVER THINK THINGS AND OVER ANALYZE AND SEE THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE THERE. I CAN SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY WHEN I FIND SOMETHING IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CAN HIDE IN MY SHELL, OR I CAN JUST AS MUCH WALK OUT NAKED! I CAN BE SHORT ON WORDS, JUST LIKE I CAN HAVE TOO MUCH TO SAY. SO I'M A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON. I GOT ISSUES!! I CAN CARE TOO MUCH. I CAN CRY FOR ANYTHING. I CAN LOVE SOMEONE UNCONDITIONALLY. I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT. I WILL RIDE OR REALLY DIE FOR THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT. I GIVE MY ALL, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I WILL LISTEN FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EARS. I WILL READ FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EYES. I WILL WALK FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED ME BY YOUR SIDE. BUT I CAN ALSO GET LOST, I CAN ALSO NOT BE THERE UNLESS YOU TELL ME TO. I DON'T LIKE TO BE PUSHY, BUT IF YOU ASK, I'M THERE!


How?

I'M FUCKING SARAI CORDERO. I'M A FUCKING WOMAN, I HAVE A VAGINA. YOU LIKE THAT DON'T YOU, THE VAGINA PART, BUT I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT THAT BRINGS ALONG. US HUMAN BEINGS WITH VAGINA'S ARE ALL DRIVEN BY FUCKING EMOTIONS. SO WHAT DO YOU DO, YOU HIT IT AND QUIT EVERY VAGINA YOU CAN GET, IN ORDER TO GET THE PLEASURE BUT NOT TO DEAL WITH COMES ALONG WITH IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF THAT. THAT'S CALLED BEING A FUCKING COWARD! THAT'S CALLED BEING A PUNK! THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO LOVE ME WILL LOVE ME WITH ALL MY CRAZINESS. WITH ALL MY EMOTIONS, WITH ALL MY ISSUES. HE WILL LOVE EVERY THING THAT'S MAKES ME S-A-R-A-I-C-O-R-D-E-R-O!!! JUST AS I WILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL HIS ISSUES, WITH EVERYTHING THAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS!! CALL ME STUPID FOR BELIEVING THAT?? I CALL YOU STUPID FOR NOT!! SO YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M ME, DON'T LIKE WHO I AM, FEEL FREE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!!

Sometimes....

Sometimes......
I just want to get up and just walk,
walk non stop on a long road,
walk straight, no curves.


Sometimes......
I just want someone to talk to,
doesn't have to be about me,
doesn't have to mean a thing.

Sometimes......
I just want a long hug,
a hug that's tight and strong,
a hug that will last a while.


Sometimes......
I just want to cry a little,
not hard and loud wail,
but tears that fall soft and slow.


Once I again, I find myself alone, wondering when will someone care to listen. When will I find that individual that will sit up with me all night and talk to me, and listen to me. Who will want to really spend their days and nights enthralled in discussions and chats about anything and everything. Last night as I drove home alone in my car, I had this unexplainable feeling inside. I wish I knew what it was, it didn't feel like anger, or neither sadness. It wasn't any of the good feelings either. All I know is that I had a strong urge to cry. To just let my heart let this unexplainable feeling out through lacrimation. But I refuse to cry, I refuse to shed tears, so I wanted to talk. Talk to someone, or anyone about anything. Anything to keep my mind off whatever was causing this feeling. I got to my household, and mechanically got ready for bed, and got on my laptop. First thing that I decided to do was write it out. Write out what I was feeling, whether it made no sense, just write it all out. What was written above is what came out, I probably could have keep going but the phone rang. A call from one of the males in my life that wish to involve himself in sexual activities with me. So we talked. We had a stupid meaningless conversation. Sometimes short periods of silence would occur, but either way somehow it made me feel better. Eventually I ended up getting sleepy. We hung up and I turned everything off and went to bed. But that meaningless conversation filled with idiotic topics was enough to vanish the feeling. Sometimes I just want to walk. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I just want to cry. Why? Doing any of the above, helps me get through those unexplainable feelings, I just don't know how to deal with. All I need is to find that person who is going to be with me during those sometimes.

Dear God, Can I Still Come Up?

Dear God,

What's good? I'm sure you're getting other prayers coming in with things that are more serious, but maybe this will make you laugh. So, as I write this consider this my prayer, because since I know you're omniscient you already know what I'm writing, therefore placing my knees on the floor seem unnecessary at the moment. This young lady you called out from the moment I was in my mother’s womb and branded me for a specific purpose has grown and is asking for permission. Permission to stray away for a minute. Permission to experience that what you call sin. I have grown, I have gotten wiser, and the knowledge from that fruit you didn't want Adam and Eve has finally reached my mind and I finally understand. I also understand why you wanted to keep it away from us, because we humans have a way of taking things overboard and abusing it, but I know it, and it’s too late to go back. Point is I want to experience. The bible says not to get drunk, but it doesn't say not to drink period, so I'm going to drink. Sex, I understand your purpose for sex, I understand that you made sex in order for us to procreate, for us to multiply and expand, and also made it pleasurable so it won’t be a tough task to complete, but also for it to be a way to express our love to that who is your husband or wife, therefore making the bond stronger. I understand it completely, sex is not to be selfish, not for us to use it as a way to satisfy our own needs, but for us to satisfy the person you are sharing yourself with, and you making them feel good, as well as them making you feel good, therefore they need to love you to want to make you feel good. I'm not asking to become a slut whose looking for her own sexual needs to be satisfied, or a whore who is using the misused pleasure to make ends meet, but to allow me to show my love to those who I want to share myself with, to that guy that is giving me butterflies and making me think about him all night, and is making me feel good inside, let me share this with him. Yeah, he probably won't be the man I end up marrying, but at least I'm not doing it selfishly. I'm making him feel good, because he makes me feel good without it being sexually. I want to make him feel good because for this moment he's the person I have feelings for. Can I stray a little? I don't think that just because I'm asking for a little fun, that I won't be worthy of being your angel in the future. I don't think that this means I won't be as dedicated and will someday rise against you like those who did along with Lucifer so long ago. I know you're the almighty God, I love you like I know you already know, I respect you, but these rules are ridiculous. I understand why you made them, because there are some people out there who have abused life itself, and have done horrible things, but that not me. I ask for permission, because in reality I don't know what’s going on with Mr. Conscious, but he isn't doing his job lately. I guess he's taking days off or running late, but I been doing things and I don't feel bad for them anymore. I use to be scared to do things, but I feel like I'm not anymore, and like a friend told me, I should be worried when I don't feel scared anymore. Maybe I'm not scared because I know you'll love me anymore. Maybe this whole religion thing is for individuals that need a guideline that will keep them from doing wrong, but I have no evil inside, and I DON'T have to love for money or harbor feelings dark enough to kill. On the contrary, I love Love, and like you say, you are love, so I love you. That is all I look for and want in life. Love. So if I do this, can I still come in? Can I still be your angel at the end? I swear it won’t be for long, consider it a vacation, I'll be back. By the way I have to preach on Saturday, so please enlighten me! Thank you in advance!

Hello....

As I'm walking I notice your figure in front of me, and immediately the sight of you turns me on fire. I walk slowly towards you and the thoughts rush into my mind. I begin to undress you with my eyes. My wanting beginning to surface rapidly. All I can think about is feeling your arms around me, feeling my body against yours. Tasting those lips, and having you inside me. I begin to ache. Looking into your eyes, I notice that my desire is equally matched. I still can't believe that I get to have you after all. That I'll get to enjoy you both physically and spiritually. When I reach you, you slowly put your arms around my waist, as I lock mines around your neck. I feel you smell me in, caressing your face on my shoulders and neck. Smelling my hair and then caressing my face. Every movement sending small chills down my spine, as my body becomes highly alert to the masculine touch. I feel your beautiful hands on the small of my back, your hands sliding up and down my center. All I can think about is having you naked asap! I feel somewhat weird, because I've never wanted anyone so bad. Never needed anyone as bad. Felt like maybe these feelings and emotions will be too much to control. But I talked myself down before doing something irrational. I didn't want to jump into it too fast. I needed to savor it as much as I could. I needed to torture myself a little, before completely giving in. I wanted to take you in from all aspects. I wanted to watch you talk, eat, drink, walk, your gestures, your movements, everything. Then I wanted to sex you. Yet, one thing I was sure I couldn't wait for was kissing those lips. As you slowly made your way to the front of my face, I began kissing your cheek, your jaw line, your cute chin, and finally made it to your bottom lip. I took it into my lips, and sucked on it lightly. Then took your top lip, and kissed it softly. I continue to kiss those luscious lips, getting more passionate as we continue. We take a breather and go back to kissing once again, this time softly and slowly. I pull myself away, because I could already feel myself getting wet inside. I kiss your cheek, and let go of our embrace, looked into your eyes, and finally for the first time said "Hey".

Overflowing

There is this vast feeling of emptiness inside of me
As I stretch my hands on the base of my chest
I feel my heart beating lively like the drums of the poor little drummer boy
Yet I feel as if I have nothing inside
As if my inside consisted of nothing but air
My body feels as if I had something there that is now missing
A pain that makes me shudder and makes my invisible heart cringe
A pain that makes my throat dry and sticky
A pain that waters my eyes with excess lubrication
The emptiness.......
The pain.....
I take my arms and hold myself and comfort myself
Yet, I let the lacrimation fall
As my overflowing well of pain begins to empty out.
I must somehow let all this go, I have to get rid of this
I have to bring the strong side of me out once again
But this is one of those times that she decides to hide
This is the time she decides to give me space.
To let me feel this pain, and remind me of whats really inside
Remind me of the real emptiness inside,
The black hole that is slowly pulling parts of me into into its time warp
Sending it into another dimension far from my own reality.
Maybe this pain and this emptiness just means change
I am and I know because I feel it, I am in a transformation
My life, views, feelings, determinations, goals, motivations.
It all has changed slowly as I have gained so much knowledge.
My cup was overflowing and I couldn't hold anything new,
now that it is empty, I can fill it with new things,
New feelings, new goals, new knowledge, new experiences
So stubborn to let go of the rope, I didn't realize beyond it was a new world.
My cup is empty, I welcome the liquid of life to begin to fill it once again.