Target Practice

I was enticed by his poetic words fused with the art of imagination, only left to wonder what the reality would've been like, and with no hope of ever finding out. His rhythmic lyrics and wise words were bullets to my targeted insides. Each word, each statement, each connection, only getting closer to the bulls eye. I became a lifeless piece of paper full of bullet wounds. Each point of weakness shot down with precise accuracy. He could've been a Navy SEALs sniper with his skills, but he wasn't. He was a woman connoisseur, and he knew exactly how to win this battle. And just like the action heroes at the end of a movie, he walked away with his head high, and his back to the wreck havoc that he left behind. But what was he saving, and was his talent to obliterate necessary in this mission?

Hey May!!

Well Hello May, you almost left without me leaving a blog stamped in your month. Unfortunately, like most of the entries in this blog, this isn't one as happy. Yet, you know this blog is where I come to when I feel like no one either understands, or care to listen to me, so that makes you very special.

To begin, Saturday night I had a blast at a reunion/party with all my friends from High School, who I missed soooo much, and was so happy to see. Yet, I woke up this morning with a headache, and just haven't been feeling the day period. Church was more of a drag today, then afterwards I was at home and chilled and we went to the beach. The ocean was deep, rough, and dirty with seaweed. It was a mimic of this feeling I had. I had this real deep, rough, dirty feeling inside, and I didn't know where it came from, or what it meant. So I get home and I decide to go to the movies, to see a movie that might cheer me up, and it didn't go through. So I guess with that final disappointment, on the drive home, I just started to cry.

I was feeling so low, I was feeling like crap. I tried to look for my friends, but some weren't there. Some I don't think, and I didn't try to make them understand. It was one of those moments where I wanted to sulk in my emotions, but I wanted for at least one person to reach out and maybe that would've helped me feel cared about, maybe that would've made me feel less lonely.

Oh well blog, I have to be up in less then 3 hours to go out walking with my bro. I'll get back at you ASAP! Laterzzz

I'M ME!!!

*WARNING! THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS FILLED WITH EXPLICIT WORDS*

FUCK YOU!!! I CAN'T FUCKING SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, BUT I CAN SURE AS HELL SCREAM THROUGH THIS PAGE!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK THIS WORLD!!! FUCK EVERYBODY!!! EVERY FUCKING SELFISH INDIVIDUAL!!! FUCK YOU!!!


Why?

FUCK ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS AND SON OF A BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU, BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS YOUR FUCKING SELF. FUCK YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME. WELL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT SHIT I DON'T LIKE AS WELL. WHY DON'T YOU CHANGE THAT. WHY DO I HAVE TO SENSOR MYSELF AND I HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK I AM BECAUSE YOU SO CALL DON'T LIKE THAT. WELL HOW ABOUT YOU CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. HOW ABOUT YOU SENSOR YOURSELF TO SOMETHING I LIKE. BUT WOULD I EVER ASK THAT FROM YOU!! OF COURSE I FUCKING WON'T!!! WHY BECAUSE THAT'S WHO YOU FUCKING ARE, AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE YOU. AND IF I DON'T LIKE IT, WHY SHOULD I DEAL WITH A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU ANYWAYS. BUT I DO, I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE ME, OHHHH FUCKING WELL. BE GONE, ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!


What?

SO YEAH I'M A BIT CRAZY, I CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. I CAN BE FUCKING DRAMATIC. OH WELL THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM, I'M FUCKING DRAMATIC. I GO OFF ON EMOTIONS FIRST, THAN LOGICAL THINKING. I DON'T FIT THE SUPERMODEL AND/OR VIDEO MODEL AND/OR CELEBRITY MOLD. I LIKE TO BE HELD. I SOMETIMES LIKE ATTENTION, SOMETIMES I WANT TO BE INVISIBLE. I LIKE TO BABBLE TO THOSE WILLING TO LISTEN (WHICH IS BASICALLY NO ONE). I HAVE A RIDICULOUS MIND FULL OF FANTASIES. I CAN BE INSECURE. I CAN BE SLOW AND A LITTLE OBLIVIOUS, BUT I CAN ALSO BE VERY ATTENTIVE. I TEND TO OVER THINK THINGS AND OVER ANALYZE AND SEE THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE THERE. I CAN SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY WHEN I FIND SOMETHING IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CAN HIDE IN MY SHELL, OR I CAN JUST AS MUCH WALK OUT NAKED! I CAN BE SHORT ON WORDS, JUST LIKE I CAN HAVE TOO MUCH TO SAY. SO I'M A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON. I GOT ISSUES!! I CAN CARE TOO MUCH. I CAN CRY FOR ANYTHING. I CAN LOVE SOMEONE UNCONDITIONALLY. I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT. I WILL RIDE OR REALLY DIE FOR THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT. I GIVE MY ALL, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I WILL LISTEN FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EARS. I WILL READ FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EYES. I WILL WALK FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED ME BY YOUR SIDE. BUT I CAN ALSO GET LOST, I CAN ALSO NOT BE THERE UNLESS YOU TELL ME TO. I DON'T LIKE TO BE PUSHY, BUT IF YOU ASK, I'M THERE!


How?

I'M FUCKING SARAI CORDERO. I'M A FUCKING WOMAN, I HAVE A VAGINA. YOU LIKE THAT DON'T YOU, THE VAGINA PART, BUT I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT THAT BRINGS ALONG. US HUMAN BEINGS WITH VAGINA'S ARE ALL DRIVEN BY FUCKING EMOTIONS. SO WHAT DO YOU DO, YOU HIT IT AND QUIT EVERY VAGINA YOU CAN GET, IN ORDER TO GET THE PLEASURE BUT NOT TO DEAL WITH COMES ALONG WITH IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF THAT. THAT'S CALLED BEING A FUCKING COWARD! THAT'S CALLED BEING A PUNK! THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO LOVE ME WILL LOVE ME WITH ALL MY CRAZINESS. WITH ALL MY EMOTIONS, WITH ALL MY ISSUES. HE WILL LOVE EVERY THING THAT'S MAKES ME S-A-R-A-I-C-O-R-D-E-R-O!!! JUST AS I WILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL HIS ISSUES, WITH EVERYTHING THAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS!! CALL ME STUPID FOR BELIEVING THAT?? I CALL YOU STUPID FOR NOT!! SO YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M ME, DON'T LIKE WHO I AM, FEEL FREE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!!

Sometimes....

Sometimes......
I just want to get up and just walk,
walk non stop on a long road,
walk straight, no curves.


Sometimes......
I just want someone to talk to,
doesn't have to be about me,
doesn't have to mean a thing.

Sometimes......
I just want a long hug,
a hug that's tight and strong,
a hug that will last a while.


Sometimes......
I just want to cry a little,
not hard and loud wail,
but tears that fall soft and slow.


Once I again, I find myself alone, wondering when will someone care to listen. When will I find that individual that will sit up with me all night and talk to me, and listen to me. Who will want to really spend their days and nights enthralled in discussions and chats about anything and everything. Last night as I drove home alone in my car, I had this unexplainable feeling inside. I wish I knew what it was, it didn't feel like anger, or neither sadness. It wasn't any of the good feelings either. All I know is that I had a strong urge to cry. To just let my heart let this unexplainable feeling out through lacrimation. But I refuse to cry, I refuse to shed tears, so I wanted to talk. Talk to someone, or anyone about anything. Anything to keep my mind off whatever was causing this feeling. I got to my household, and mechanically got ready for bed, and got on my laptop. First thing that I decided to do was write it out. Write out what I was feeling, whether it made no sense, just write it all out. What was written above is what came out, I probably could have keep going but the phone rang. A call from one of the males in my life that wish to involve himself in sexual activities with me. So we talked. We had a stupid meaningless conversation. Sometimes short periods of silence would occur, but either way somehow it made me feel better. Eventually I ended up getting sleepy. We hung up and I turned everything off and went to bed. But that meaningless conversation filled with idiotic topics was enough to vanish the feeling. Sometimes I just want to walk. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I just want to cry. Why? Doing any of the above, helps me get through those unexplainable feelings, I just don't know how to deal with. All I need is to find that person who is going to be with me during those sometimes.

Overflowing

There is this vast feeling of emptiness inside of me
As I stretch my hands on the base of my chest
I feel my heart beating lively like the drums of the poor little drummer boy
Yet I feel as if I have nothing inside
As if my inside consisted of nothing but air
My body feels as if I had something there that is now missing
A pain that makes me shudder and makes my invisible heart cringe
A pain that makes my throat dry and sticky
A pain that waters my eyes with excess lubrication
The emptiness.......
The pain.....
I take my arms and hold myself and comfort myself
Yet, I let the lacrimation fall
As my overflowing well of pain begins to empty out.
I must somehow let all this go, I have to get rid of this
I have to bring the strong side of me out once again
But this is one of those times that she decides to hide
This is the time she decides to give me space.
To let me feel this pain, and remind me of whats really inside
Remind me of the real emptiness inside,
The black hole that is slowly pulling parts of me into into its time warp
Sending it into another dimension far from my own reality.
Maybe this pain and this emptiness just means change
I am and I know because I feel it, I am in a transformation
My life, views, feelings, determinations, goals, motivations.
It all has changed slowly as I have gained so much knowledge.
My cup was overflowing and I couldn't hold anything new,
now that it is empty, I can fill it with new things,
New feelings, new goals, new knowledge, new experiences
So stubborn to let go of the rope, I didn't realize beyond it was a new world.
My cup is empty, I welcome the liquid of life to begin to fill it once again.

Just One of Those Days #1

I titled it #1 because I feel as if this won't be the last, even though I wish it was.

It's just one of those days today. I feel real sucky and down, and I really don't even know the reasons why. I have a this feeling inside, its like I have a hole in my chest, and I have no clue where it came from. It hurts, and I have no real way of knowing how to patch it up. All I can really do, is just sulk, especially because I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Whether because I feel like no one cares, or I just feel real embarrassed to show this weak side of me. It makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am such a loser for even feeling this way. As I sit here and contemplate on this feeling, I realize that its more like a blackhole, as if its sucking me inside of it with its hard gravitational force. Somethings wrong and I can't pinpoint it...FUDGE! I am though really turned of by some situations with certain people in my life. I feel like because of thier immaturity (and yes they are adult older then men, so immaturity shouldn't even be the issue with them) and their mouths, all I want to do is really pull myself away from them, anywhere they are, and anything I have to share with them. In reality, I really wish I could just move out to a whole new and different place, and just be a whole new me. Just do everything and anything I want to do, and not worry about what people think, because since I won't really know any of these people, I wont care about their feelings and thoughts. Alaska sounds real good after all.....take me with you.

I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.

The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

By Tupac Shakur

Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......

When will someone care enough to listen...

Detoriating to be alone,
Where no one wants to follow.
The fight of your unconsious and conscious mind
You are tormented by your inner battle
Your conscious mind looking for solace,
While your unconscious reveals it'll never be found
As you lay in bed forever desolate.
You wonder if someone will ever be around.
Will someone ever really want to hear your hurt
Find interest in you joys and your pains
Hear your soul, hear you heart.
Thier interest a forever burning flame.
Thats what my heart truly desire
A being who i can forever confide in
Who's unconditional love will never expire
But growing constanly without an end
Who is eternally tantalized by my thoughts,
Wanting to be part of my mentality
Constantly and forevermore understanding
Always intrigued by my somber and felicity
Will someone ever really care to listen?

Locked Inside A Glass Tank

I wrote this a while back, I hadnt finished it because I just couldn't think of an ending for it. So today i wrote the last stanza. It is what is is...lol

Locked inside a cubed glassed tank
I see the flow of emotions filling up the tank
I kick the walls trying to break the glass
I need to find an escape.

My mind begins to wonder how did i get in here
I see fast paced images being placed infront of me
I see the one i loved and left me
I see my favorite couple breaking up
I see my partner in crime leaving my side

I come back and the flow of emotions has accelerated
The tank begins to fill at an alarming rate
I kick the glass harder hoping it breaks
I need to find an escape

My vision gets blurred and I find myself in a room
Relieved to think I am out I'm only being deceived
I recognize the room and a sharp pain hits me
I see my favorite couple using harsh words
I see my favorite couple getting agitated
I see my favorite couple fist fighting
Yet the male is dominating

I come back and the tank is halfway full
I m floating up now and see the top closing in
I try to hit the glass once again hoping it breaks
I need to find an escape

I feel faint and I find myself in a room
Not to be fooled again I look for the bus
I look down the road and see it far on its way
I see my partner in crime on her way
I see my partner in crime finding her new life
I see my partner in crime leaving what she loves
Because she let the male dominate her life.

I come back to the reality of this tank
The water is up to my neck and I'm losing air.
I swim down trying to find a way out of it
I need to find an escape

As I lose the breathe inside I faint once again
I begin to feel this undeniable and familiar pain
I could recall the words that made my heart break
I see the one I loved conjure these words of hurt
I see the one I loved just put me aside
I see the one I loved walk out of my life
And he dominates her life by leaving her in pain

I thought I was dead from that last blow to the heart
But once again I was in this tank of emotional pain
Yet this time I actually used my brain and not my heart
And realized I just needed to let it completely out
I swim to the top and gave the lid all my might
I found my breathe again, and everything overflowed out.

THE PLACEBO

Years of treatment have brought this young women to what she is now. Constantly being treated and cured but only falling into the same state. She has lost all hope in her emotional health. But her last experience has definitely damaged her life forever:

When she had lost all hope in in her life, when she felt the loneliest and the most misfortune, she was brought this new medicine for her. When it was presented to her, she had a gut feeling it wouldn't work, but because of her hopeful heart she gave in to begin the treatment. As the time passed she witnessed great happiness. She found herself actually happy, thinking this was finally it. She thought that finally the one above found mercy in her life, and gave her what she most wanted. She would find herself understanding every bird song. Looking at the world and the earth with a great new view, yet deep down she had a feeling it would end. In due time her gut feeling was proven right. She was told the medicine was just a placebo. It was a sugar pill meant to mentally fake happiness into her life. The medicine was all a lie. It didn't exist, it wasn't real, it was just a disguise. A placebo that made her think her life was better, a placebo that made her mind make up this fake feeling of well being and good health. Whoever thought that this would make her lasting days better was only mistaken. The placebo had used her last notch of hope. Now she only feels anger, and disillusion. She feels hopeless and hurt, She has given up on her life, and anything good in it. Now as shes dying inside, she only hate those who thought the placebo was a way to give her some time of happiness. Because she would've rather kept living with ignorant hope, then being deceived and betrayed, now living hopeless and in pain. The beautiful sugar pill that faked happiness only finished causing her much more pain then before. Now her heart has stop beating, and love is something that she has lost hope in. Like a placebo, his lies made her believe, but his betrayal only killed the last bit of hope she had inside. The betrayal injected in her heart caused it to freeze and stop beating. Now shes a cold hearted human being. Walking in this world filled of hurt and pain, completely not believing in any good thing she sees. Only scared that it can be a placebo once again. The cure to her pain still has not been found, and like cancer shes most likely to die, then a cure ever being found.
----------------
Now playing: Aventura - Dile al Amor
via FoxyTunes

The Difference Of Your Love and Your Words

Lost between the words that come out your mouth
Some words are fire and others are ice
You constantly keep me asking whats real
Some words are deep and others are shallow
Your attitude turns like a light switch
Some words are light and others are dark
I feel lost between what you mean and what you show
Some words are high and others are low
Because your love makes me feel so good inside
Some words are sweet and others are sour
But the aftermath is a third degree burn
Some words are happy and others are sad

When his hands caress my body, I feel my heart begin its race.
When his lips touch me, I fail to inhale again.
When he loves me, I go into a state of ecstasy
How can his love be so sincere and pure,
But his attitude be so smug and rude.
Can someone make love to someone they don't love.
Demonstrate how they feel, but speak the contrary.
The aftermath is what confuses me.
The aftermath is what makes me doubt.
His dick game loves me, but his word game hates me.
Are words deceiving, do action speak louder then words
In this case I wouldn't know.
If I can't trust my heart, then I'll listen to my mind.
Because at least the logical mind keeps me away from the pain.

If you can't love me at all times of the day and night
If you dont want me in your rights and wrongs
If your not capable of showing whats really inside
Then keep your good love away from me.
Your love has become torture instead of pleasure.
So fuck you and move along
Because I'm tired of your stupid rollercoaster ride.

Fighting My Feelings Away

How do you win a fight that was lost from the beginning?

I finally understand every love song I've heard,

And I finally feel every love story I've read.

I've never fought my feelings as hard as I've fought my feelings for you.

From the very beginning I told you to stay away.

Even when I wanted you I pleaded you to move on to someone better.

You never budged and you never left.

I thought it was the chase that made you stay.

Yet you constantly threatened to make me love you.

And I persistently fought to discourage you.

I relentlessly tried to convince us both we aren't meant to be

I looked for excuses to feed you, as well as me, why we couldn't be

But you didn't care nor listened to me

I wanted you so bad, but I told myself it wasn't right.

So I continued to fight those words from my mind.

Because although my heart told me so I believe in mind over matter

Slowly but surely bricks from my wall began to fall off.

Slowly the words you told me would shoot down every sniper thought,

Slowly you invaded my mind and conquered my heart.

Now I see my walls crumbled and I have truly fallen real hard.

Now my mind, body and soul are out of wack.

Every word you speak takes my breathe away.

The thoughts of you turn my skin on fire.

My hearts skips a beat when you confess things to me.

I've never wanted someone as bad as I want you

Yet I can't stop my want to fight it away.