Please Don't Shoot Me Down

The bliss of ignorance had me in a trance.
My body was high in the sky, and my mood lifted beyond measure.
I looked onto him for his help in my climb.
I wanted his support and his help in reaching the highest high.
Little did I know his intentions were to shoot me down.
I asked for his words of advice, I asked for his wisdom.
I saw how he began to load the cynicism in his mouth.
Before he could start, I quickly asked him to retrieve.
I told him I didn't need his words, I was happy just the way I am.
But I saw his intentions to continue, as he began to talk.
I began to scream and yelled for him to stop.
Begged him to keep his words to himself, but he only got louder.
He used huge neon signs to point out what I feared.
His words of failure only resonated my own doubts.
Like a megaphone he woke up everything I had been able to put to sleep.
Now with his words being so much more powerful,
Fueled by his male testosterone and strength, I could not get them out.
Now they constantly haunted me. They screamed failure.
A machine gun to my dreams and fantasies.
It did not stop, but I only had so much left inside me.
Don't let me die, don't let him win, I fought inside.
Fight my heart tells me, fight my soul screams.
Die my mind countered attacks, using his words as the bullet that pierced me.
The acidic words ate through every particle of my hope,
And as I laid there feeling that my life is at its end, I see a small light ahead.
The little light inside me that has never been touched,
No matter how strong the wind blows, it always shines.
The light that's protected by the core of my being.
The real me deep inside, that no matter what she has seen she continues to believe.
No, I will not die, because no matter what you say, it's still my life!

----------------
Now playing: Lil Wayne - Shoot Me Down
via FoxyTunes

Sometimes....

Sometimes......
I just want to get up and just walk,
walk non stop on a long road,
walk straight, no curves.


Sometimes......
I just want someone to talk to,
doesn't have to be about me,
doesn't have to mean a thing.

Sometimes......
I just want a long hug,
a hug that's tight and strong,
a hug that will last a while.


Sometimes......
I just want to cry a little,
not hard and loud wail,
but tears that fall soft and slow.


Once I again, I find myself alone, wondering when will someone care to listen. When will I find that individual that will sit up with me all night and talk to me, and listen to me. Who will want to really spend their days and nights enthralled in discussions and chats about anything and everything. Last night as I drove home alone in my car, I had this unexplainable feeling inside. I wish I knew what it was, it didn't feel like anger, or neither sadness. It wasn't any of the good feelings either. All I know is that I had a strong urge to cry. To just let my heart let this unexplainable feeling out through lacrimation. But I refuse to cry, I refuse to shed tears, so I wanted to talk. Talk to someone, or anyone about anything. Anything to keep my mind off whatever was causing this feeling. I got to my household, and mechanically got ready for bed, and got on my laptop. First thing that I decided to do was write it out. Write out what I was feeling, whether it made no sense, just write it all out. What was written above is what came out, I probably could have keep going but the phone rang. A call from one of the males in my life that wish to involve himself in sexual activities with me. So we talked. We had a stupid meaningless conversation. Sometimes short periods of silence would occur, but either way somehow it made me feel better. Eventually I ended up getting sleepy. We hung up and I turned everything off and went to bed. But that meaningless conversation filled with idiotic topics was enough to vanish the feeling. Sometimes I just want to walk. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I just want to cry. Why? Doing any of the above, helps me get through those unexplainable feelings, I just don't know how to deal with. All I need is to find that person who is going to be with me during those sometimes.

Just One of Those Days #1

I titled it #1 because I feel as if this won't be the last, even though I wish it was.

It's just one of those days today. I feel real sucky and down, and I really don't even know the reasons why. I have a this feeling inside, its like I have a hole in my chest, and I have no clue where it came from. It hurts, and I have no real way of knowing how to patch it up. All I can really do, is just sulk, especially because I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Whether because I feel like no one cares, or I just feel real embarrassed to show this weak side of me. It makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am such a loser for even feeling this way. As I sit here and contemplate on this feeling, I realize that its more like a blackhole, as if its sucking me inside of it with its hard gravitational force. Somethings wrong and I can't pinpoint it...FUDGE! I am though really turned of by some situations with certain people in my life. I feel like because of thier immaturity (and yes they are adult older then men, so immaturity shouldn't even be the issue with them) and their mouths, all I want to do is really pull myself away from them, anywhere they are, and anything I have to share with them. In reality, I really wish I could just move out to a whole new and different place, and just be a whole new me. Just do everything and anything I want to do, and not worry about what people think, because since I won't really know any of these people, I wont care about their feelings and thoughts. Alaska sounds real good after all.....take me with you.

I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.

The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

By Tupac Shakur

Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......

The Difference Of Your Love and Your Words

Lost between the words that come out your mouth
Some words are fire and others are ice
You constantly keep me asking whats real
Some words are deep and others are shallow
Your attitude turns like a light switch
Some words are light and others are dark
I feel lost between what you mean and what you show
Some words are high and others are low
Because your love makes me feel so good inside
Some words are sweet and others are sour
But the aftermath is a third degree burn
Some words are happy and others are sad

When his hands caress my body, I feel my heart begin its race.
When his lips touch me, I fail to inhale again.
When he loves me, I go into a state of ecstasy
How can his love be so sincere and pure,
But his attitude be so smug and rude.
Can someone make love to someone they don't love.
Demonstrate how they feel, but speak the contrary.
The aftermath is what confuses me.
The aftermath is what makes me doubt.
His dick game loves me, but his word game hates me.
Are words deceiving, do action speak louder then words
In this case I wouldn't know.
If I can't trust my heart, then I'll listen to my mind.
Because at least the logical mind keeps me away from the pain.

If you can't love me at all times of the day and night
If you dont want me in your rights and wrongs
If your not capable of showing whats really inside
Then keep your good love away from me.
Your love has become torture instead of pleasure.
So fuck you and move along
Because I'm tired of your stupid rollercoaster ride.

Fighting My Feelings Away

How do you win a fight that was lost from the beginning?

I finally understand every love song I've heard,

And I finally feel every love story I've read.

I've never fought my feelings as hard as I've fought my feelings for you.

From the very beginning I told you to stay away.

Even when I wanted you I pleaded you to move on to someone better.

You never budged and you never left.

I thought it was the chase that made you stay.

Yet you constantly threatened to make me love you.

And I persistently fought to discourage you.

I relentlessly tried to convince us both we aren't meant to be

I looked for excuses to feed you, as well as me, why we couldn't be

But you didn't care nor listened to me

I wanted you so bad, but I told myself it wasn't right.

So I continued to fight those words from my mind.

Because although my heart told me so I believe in mind over matter

Slowly but surely bricks from my wall began to fall off.

Slowly the words you told me would shoot down every sniper thought,

Slowly you invaded my mind and conquered my heart.

Now I see my walls crumbled and I have truly fallen real hard.

Now my mind, body and soul are out of wack.

Every word you speak takes my breathe away.

The thoughts of you turn my skin on fire.

My hearts skips a beat when you confess things to me.

I've never wanted someone as bad as I want you

Yet I can't stop my want to fight it away.

......and they say WOMEN are Confusing????

For aslong as I been alive, and I have watched television, women are always portrayed as the confused one who does not know who to love, neither what they want in a relationship, or how to fulfill thier needs. Yet as I have started to begin my stage of young adulthood, in which humans begin to look for that relationship, or like my education books calls it Intimacy vs Isolation stage, I've noticed that Men are the most confusing. I'm sure every girl or women has had that one guy who along from being thier friend, they have had some type or connection or interaction that makes them feel, or perceive that her male friend may be having non platonic feelings for her. Immediately, becuase as the emotional creatures that we are, we pick up on that and we also begin to develope feelings. Yet, as we begin this journey of mixed emotions, the male keeps on with his antics, showing signs of attraction and non platonic feelings, but no signs of commitment. Then when we finally pick up the "cojones" to confront the situation, they claim that they only see us as a friend. Yet, I ask, if you do only see us as a friend, why do you talk to us as if we are something more, why do you proclaim that you want to kiss me, and bed me. Why do we have this deeper connection that you do not have with no one else. Do men see thier friends as a person that they can be friends with but at the same time have sex with(and i am not talking about friends with benefits). Or is that just your friendship with women. Cause I know men dont tell their boys that they want to kiss them. Or Do women have the wrong interpretation as to what a friend is. To us, either we are just friends, or are we more then friends. Either we hug goodbye, or kiss me goodnight. Becuase someone that is just a friend to me, will never hear me tell them that i want to kiss him, or be with him, unless I have some type of feelings. I will always assure them that i only see them as a friend. Men are confusing. They tell us we are amazing, and that we are incredible women, yet not incredible enough for you. And WE are CONFUSING??? How about this, save your poor excuses, don't make it seem as if we are the delusional ones, that made up these feelings from the no where. Just admit that you aren't man enough for a women like me, that you rather go out and be with a garden tool, who doesn't value herself enough to demand respect. Just admit that you rather be sticking your libido in all kinds of women, instead of focusing yourself on one that deserves all your attention. Admit the FACTS!!! You are not ready, and you cannot handle being in love, or being with a women as I or any like me. Advice to the wise, stop sending mixed signals, and if you just want to be a friend, and only see us as a friend, then just act like a friend and nothing more.