Questions....

Do you have kids?

Are you married?

Do you have a boyfriend?

WHY NOT!?!

NO, NO, NO, AND I DON'T FREAKING KNOW -__-

I am constantly asked these questions. Men and women, they all ask me this question. I answer them politely and with a smile. And with that last question which burns me the most, I just lightly laugh as if its all just a joke. They all seem so surprised as if someone like me should be married with kids. In a way I can see why they would think that, since most of the young women in my generation either got pregnant early on, or because I look much older they probably assume I'm in my late 20's and it should be a time for me to be married. But yesterday was big for me, because after I answered those question and they asked my age, 23, they told me "Well, its about time..." when usually I am told "Aww, you're so young. You still got time". But this new response... yeah, I laughed real hard at that one. Like I don't already know this. Like I don't feel the pressure. Like I don't have everyone in my church praying for me to find my husband and get married like I'm hopeless. Like my family members don't put enough pressure to have grandkids and great grandkids. Like I don't see my mom looking at me as if she secretly knows that I will be lonely forever. Like I don't know that out of my 4 aunts, 3 of them are alone, like some family curse. I know this!!

The other day, talking with my sisters, we were discussing this whole phenomenon, and I told them jokingly that if I got to 30 and was still not married I was going to kill myself, because if dating is hard now, imagine how it would be when I'm that age. They both looked at me as if they felt bad for me, and one of them said "Well, there's always Match.com" I laughed so hard! In the inside felt so sad for myself. Like is that what I'll have to result to?

I know a couple of chicks that have these wonderful men wooing them and asking them to get married. That they want to be with them forever, and have children, and a home. That they don't believe in divorce, that to them once you got married you would just have to work through any problem, but that divorce would never be an option. Things I have always wanted to hear. These young ladies, they don't want it, they tell me that they can't see them doing any of that because they have a career to think about first. In that moment I hated them, wanted to slap them silly. I discussed this with my bestfriend who also feels the same way as me, and shes tells me that thats life for you. What you don't want, you get, and what you want, you don't get. Her solution, maybe we should stop wanting it. I wish I could do that, but I wouldn't be fooling anyone, especially not myself. Maybe life, but I doubt life could be fooled. Maybe that is the route I should take. Lie my way through life. Tell people I am happily married, but that lie would just burn just as much as the truth. Funny thing is, I be the moment I give up, life with bring the person to me, and because of my lack of hope, I won't see it, believe it, and might just lose it.

Tell me about it.. :\ Pretty much everyone judges on weight or physical appearances

In reality, all I want is a man to choose to love me unconditionally forever. To see the perfection in my inperfection. Hopefully once he sees that, he will choose to marry me and make another human being from our love. *shrug*

I want that...

Don't look for the hottest guy or the popular jock in class. Look for the guy that makes you feel like you're actually worth a second glace. The one that makes you happy to be the person that you are. The guy who isn't like all the rest, but completely different. Yet, it's why you like him because he isn't like any guy you've ever known ; he's just him. Find the one you can be yourself in front of. You can say anything, you can laugh, you can smile, you can cry, you can scream, you can kiss, you can hug, can fight, make up at the end of the night, and he'd still be crazy about you.

1/11/2011

Here's a survey, because I felt like posting something, and I was, but decided not to do that post yet, so here's this.

1. What is the last alcoholic beverage you drank? Brugal & Coke
2. Who was the last person to send you a text message? Firito (My bro)
3. Last time you went swimming in a pool? I don't remember.
4. Are you happy? I'm aight.
5. Where do you live? Miami.
6. Last thing you ate? Cheese stick.
7. Want to kick anyone's butt? Nope.
8. What time is it? 12:36pm on 1/11/11
9. Do you have any expensive jewelry? Yep.
10. AIM or MSN? AIM.
11. How many hours on average do you work a week? 40 hrs.
12. Who do you like right now? Poptart.
13. Do you watch the olympics? I definitely enjoy them
14. Favorite soda? Strawberry or Orange soda.
15. Do you watch saturday morning cartoons? They still have those?
16. Who was the last person to call you? Someone from the building.
17. What's your sign? Scorpio/Sagittarius.
18. Where do you spend most of your money? Bills.
19. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? Siblings.
20. Ever been called a hoe/slut? Yeah, by my sister.
21. Ever been called a bitch? Oh yes.
22. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies? Nope
23. Collect anything? Cards, notes, letters, butterflies items, Pooh bears.
24. Myspace or Facebook? Facebook duh.
25. Do you have T-mobile? Yes.
26. Last time you saw your parents? Lastnight.
27. Ever been to a wedding? Yes.
28. Are you missing anyone at the moment? Yeah.
29. Did you take a nap today? No, I need one though.
30. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 5 hours.
31. Do you support the troops? In a way yes.
32. Could you handle being in the military? If its my decision yes.
33. Are you hungry or thirsty? Neither.
34. Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bell.
35. Do you own a camera phone? Yep.
36. Ever had to take a sobriety test? NO.
37. Last time you went to the gym or worked out? To a gym? LOOONG time ago.
38. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use? No.
39. Last place you were at? Home.
40. What is your current wish? To have my poptart.
41. Do you have any regrets? Yeeeeeep
42. How old are your parents? Mom 50, Dad 58.
43. Do you like Kayla Roser? ???
44. Favorite place to be? Dominican Republic.
45. Do you like Amber Swald? ??????
46. Fav restaurant? Chilis?
47. Ever been to Disney Land/World? Yep
48. How is the weather today? Ehh w/e
49. Do you e-mail? Of course.
50. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill? Netflix
51. Are you dating someone right now? No.
52. Last voicemail you received? Ama stating that shes a US citizen now. Lol
53. Do you drunk dial? I did once.... embarrassing!
54. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? take pictures I shouldn't have.
55. Do you like Dane Cook? Maybe if I see what he looks like I'll know who he is.
56. Last time you were sick? November
57. Are you lactose intolerant or do you have IBS? No.
58. Ready for the weekend? Always ready.
59. What did you do last night? School.
60. Is it hard to say good bye? Always!

01/05/2011

I'm the kind of girl who kicks the soda machine because it ripped me off. The kind who doesn't like to get noticed. The kind who is afraid of everything in a way. The kind who will hug you as hard as she can. The kind who will talk for hours on the phone when you might not even be there. The kind who doesn't order a salad on a dare. The kind who doesn't really know who she is, but will never forget what she isn't. The kind who has a hard time letting go. The kind who wants to find the one. The kind who listens to the rules and follows them; for the most part. And most importantly, I'm the kind of girl that can be good for you.

She's the self-preserved, pretty-but-doesn't-know-it kind of girl. Reading her books and daydreaming all day while he's the outgoing, spontaneous, good-looking boy with the most amazing eyes you'll ever see. They grew up from two different worlds, and he'll teach her how to stand up to those who look down to her, and she'll teach him how to love and know the true meaning of jealousy, while he teaches her the same without knowing it. He'll teach her how to shout at the world without a wince, because his hand is holding hers tightly, letting her know he will never leave her, causing her to forget her fears for everything, and just be able to live for once without any worries. Atleast that what she imagines....

Either/Or

There are women who are hard to give thier hearts, but easy to give thier vag. Then there are others like me, who are easy to give thier heart, but hard to give the vag. I began to analyze this. Those who give thier vags easily seem to have more men after them since men are so sexually oriented. While us who hold back on that but are ready to give our hearts, men seem to run away. Why is that? Maybe because men are afraid to take something as valuable as your heart. But aren't they both valuable in their own way. I wish I wasn't so easy to love. I wish I was the other way around. At the end of the day, your mileage won't affect you, like the scars on your heart do.

All she wants is a boy who will call her at 4am, because he couldn't sleep; hold her hand for no reason at all, wrap his arms around her and hold her tight; treat her like she's the most important thing in the world; but mostly she just wants to know someone cares.

12/31/2010

2010!!! What a year!!! What a decade!!! So many ups and downs, but thats life. A decade of growth and gaining wisdom, but then again thats life. 2010, what can I say? Its the perfect way to finish this decade. Its the RIGHT way to go into a new one. This year I have learned so much. I have grown so much. I changed from being a naive, scary, innocent minded girl, to a smarter, more realist, more bolder, and more decisive young women. The many issues that came into my life that seemed unbearable taught me so many beautiful lessons. The people that have come and gone have given me much needed wisdom. As I look back at the years, I now realize the beautiful circle of life. I know appreciate and see the art and beauty of life. I now see and understand the works of God. I am also ready to conquer the world! Although I know life will bring many more lessons, I am ready to learn. I am ready to fully flourish to the person I am suppose to become. I welcome 2011 with excitement. I hope to fill the pages of my journals with joyful stories, and good thoughts. I am going towards my goals with fierce determination. The better phase of my life has begun.

~ You Are So Valuable ~

I want to take a moment to thank those in my life that in this year, and the ones before have impacted me in such a great way. But the most important, I want to thank my mother. When this 21st Century started I was also starting my adolescence. I was going through my teenage nightmare phase. I started off hating her, fighting with her, thinking the whole world was against me. Yet you always maintained. Now as the decade finishes I realize what a great person she is. How important she truly is to me. Its funny how I wanted to get away from her so bad, and now I don't want to do anything without her. How like people say, your mother is your only true friend. She has been my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, and the only person who has always been in my corner. I wouldn't be anything without her. So I have to give her all my thanks.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I'M READY!!!! BSB!!! MAY 2011 WILL EPIC!!!!

Update!

Dear Blog,

O' how I've neglected you! So much has happened. Well not so much, but something pretty big. I got the VSG surgery. I am super happy for it. I have 6 weeks since my surgery. I have lost about 45 pounds already. I see the difference in my clothes. I am very happy though. I have been doing pretty good lately. School went well. I hope this new year to be another year full of new things and experiences. I can't wait. Long road ahead of me, but I will get there. I will be checking in more often hopefully. I'm sorry for being away for so long. I promise not to do this again. See you soon!

Please Don't Shoot Me Down

The bliss of ignorance had me in a trance.
My body was high in the sky, and my mood lifted beyond measure.
I looked onto him for his help in my climb.
I wanted his support and his help in reaching the highest high.
Little did I know his intentions were to shoot me down.
I asked for his words of advice, I asked for his wisdom.
I saw how he began to load the cynicism in his mouth.
Before he could start, I quickly asked him to retrieve.
I told him I didn't need his words, I was happy just the way I am.
But I saw his intentions to continue, as he began to talk.
I began to scream and yelled for him to stop.
Begged him to keep his words to himself, but he only got louder.
He used huge neon signs to point out what I feared.
His words of failure only resonated my own doubts.
Like a megaphone he woke up everything I had been able to put to sleep.
Now with his words being so much more powerful,
Fueled by his male testosterone and strength, I could not get them out.
Now they constantly haunted me. They screamed failure.
A machine gun to my dreams and fantasies.
It did not stop, but I only had so much left inside me.
Don't let me die, don't let him win, I fought inside.
Fight my heart tells me, fight my soul screams.
Die my mind countered attacks, using his words as the bullet that pierced me.
The acidic words ate through every particle of my hope,
And as I laid there feeling that my life is at its end, I see a small light ahead.
The little light inside me that has never been touched,
No matter how strong the wind blows, it always shines.
The light that's protected by the core of my being.
The real me deep inside, that no matter what she has seen she continues to believe.
No, I will not die, because no matter what you say, it's still my life!

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Now playing: Lil Wayne - Shoot Me Down
via FoxyTunes