Please Don't Shoot Me Down

The bliss of ignorance had me in a trance.
My body was high in the sky, and my mood lifted beyond measure.
I looked onto him for his help in my climb.
I wanted his support and his help in reaching the highest high.
Little did I know his intentions were to shoot me down.
I asked for his words of advice, I asked for his wisdom.
I saw how he began to load the cynicism in his mouth.
Before he could start, I quickly asked him to retrieve.
I told him I didn't need his words, I was happy just the way I am.
But I saw his intentions to continue, as he began to talk.
I began to scream and yelled for him to stop.
Begged him to keep his words to himself, but he only got louder.
He used huge neon signs to point out what I feared.
His words of failure only resonated my own doubts.
Like a megaphone he woke up everything I had been able to put to sleep.
Now with his words being so much more powerful,
Fueled by his male testosterone and strength, I could not get them out.
Now they constantly haunted me. They screamed failure.
A machine gun to my dreams and fantasies.
It did not stop, but I only had so much left inside me.
Don't let me die, don't let him win, I fought inside.
Fight my heart tells me, fight my soul screams.
Die my mind countered attacks, using his words as the bullet that pierced me.
The acidic words ate through every particle of my hope,
And as I laid there feeling that my life is at its end, I see a small light ahead.
The little light inside me that has never been touched,
No matter how strong the wind blows, it always shines.
The light that's protected by the core of my being.
The real me deep inside, that no matter what she has seen she continues to believe.
No, I will not die, because no matter what you say, it's still my life!

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Now playing: Lil Wayne - Shoot Me Down
via FoxyTunes

Just One of Those Days #1

I titled it #1 because I feel as if this won't be the last, even though I wish it was.

It's just one of those days today. I feel real sucky and down, and I really don't even know the reasons why. I have a this feeling inside, its like I have a hole in my chest, and I have no clue where it came from. It hurts, and I have no real way of knowing how to patch it up. All I can really do, is just sulk, especially because I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Whether because I feel like no one cares, or I just feel real embarrassed to show this weak side of me. It makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am such a loser for even feeling this way. As I sit here and contemplate on this feeling, I realize that its more like a blackhole, as if its sucking me inside of it with its hard gravitational force. Somethings wrong and I can't pinpoint it...FUDGE! I am though really turned of by some situations with certain people in my life. I feel like because of thier immaturity (and yes they are adult older then men, so immaturity shouldn't even be the issue with them) and their mouths, all I want to do is really pull myself away from them, anywhere they are, and anything I have to share with them. In reality, I really wish I could just move out to a whole new and different place, and just be a whole new me. Just do everything and anything I want to do, and not worry about what people think, because since I won't really know any of these people, I wont care about their feelings and thoughts. Alaska sounds real good after all.....take me with you.

I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.

The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

By Tupac Shakur

Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......

Locked Inside A Glass Tank

I wrote this a while back, I hadnt finished it because I just couldn't think of an ending for it. So today i wrote the last stanza. It is what is is...lol

Locked inside a cubed glassed tank
I see the flow of emotions filling up the tank
I kick the walls trying to break the glass
I need to find an escape.

My mind begins to wonder how did i get in here
I see fast paced images being placed infront of me
I see the one i loved and left me
I see my favorite couple breaking up
I see my partner in crime leaving my side

I come back and the flow of emotions has accelerated
The tank begins to fill at an alarming rate
I kick the glass harder hoping it breaks
I need to find an escape

My vision gets blurred and I find myself in a room
Relieved to think I am out I'm only being deceived
I recognize the room and a sharp pain hits me
I see my favorite couple using harsh words
I see my favorite couple getting agitated
I see my favorite couple fist fighting
Yet the male is dominating

I come back and the tank is halfway full
I m floating up now and see the top closing in
I try to hit the glass once again hoping it breaks
I need to find an escape

I feel faint and I find myself in a room
Not to be fooled again I look for the bus
I look down the road and see it far on its way
I see my partner in crime on her way
I see my partner in crime finding her new life
I see my partner in crime leaving what she loves
Because she let the male dominate her life.

I come back to the reality of this tank
The water is up to my neck and I'm losing air.
I swim down trying to find a way out of it
I need to find an escape

As I lose the breathe inside I faint once again
I begin to feel this undeniable and familiar pain
I could recall the words that made my heart break
I see the one I loved conjure these words of hurt
I see the one I loved just put me aside
I see the one I loved walk out of my life
And he dominates her life by leaving her in pain

I thought I was dead from that last blow to the heart
But once again I was in this tank of emotional pain
Yet this time I actually used my brain and not my heart
And realized I just needed to let it completely out
I swim to the top and gave the lid all my might
I found my breathe again, and everything overflowed out.

The Difference Of Your Love and Your Words

Lost between the words that come out your mouth
Some words are fire and others are ice
You constantly keep me asking whats real
Some words are deep and others are shallow
Your attitude turns like a light switch
Some words are light and others are dark
I feel lost between what you mean and what you show
Some words are high and others are low
Because your love makes me feel so good inside
Some words are sweet and others are sour
But the aftermath is a third degree burn
Some words are happy and others are sad

When his hands caress my body, I feel my heart begin its race.
When his lips touch me, I fail to inhale again.
When he loves me, I go into a state of ecstasy
How can his love be so sincere and pure,
But his attitude be so smug and rude.
Can someone make love to someone they don't love.
Demonstrate how they feel, but speak the contrary.
The aftermath is what confuses me.
The aftermath is what makes me doubt.
His dick game loves me, but his word game hates me.
Are words deceiving, do action speak louder then words
In this case I wouldn't know.
If I can't trust my heart, then I'll listen to my mind.
Because at least the logical mind keeps me away from the pain.

If you can't love me at all times of the day and night
If you dont want me in your rights and wrongs
If your not capable of showing whats really inside
Then keep your good love away from me.
Your love has become torture instead of pleasure.
So fuck you and move along
Because I'm tired of your stupid rollercoaster ride.

Does the struggle Ever END!!!!

As I was talking to one of my besties today, I realized that in life, all we do is struggle. When we are born we struggle to get out, and live, as we grow up, we struggle to find out identitiy, when we are young adults, we struggle with school, society, and the workforce, all at the same time. When we are done with that stage we find ourselves dealing with marriage, kids, and a career. Struggling day in and day out, to work hard to fulfill the needs of our kids, and not to loose our marriage. Then as we get old, and all our children are old, we go back to struggling with ourselves. struggling with our health to stay alive. When does the struggle ever end? When do we ever find a point in our life where we can sit back, and relax, without a worry in our lives. You may say a vacation, but really how long does that last. Usually those 1 or 2 weeks of vacation is just another showing you are hectic your real life is. When does the struggle ever end? Maybe death, and death in Christ. If you dont die in Christ, you'll only be going to hell burning for the rest of your immortal life.