Update!

Dear Blog,

O' how I've neglected you! So much has happened. Well not so much, but something pretty big. I got the VSG surgery. I am super happy for it. I have 6 weeks since my surgery. I have lost about 45 pounds already. I see the difference in my clothes. I am very happy though. I have been doing pretty good lately. School went well. I hope this new year to be another year full of new things and experiences. I can't wait. Long road ahead of me, but I will get there. I will be checking in more often hopefully. I'm sorry for being away for so long. I promise not to do this again. See you soon!

Please Don't Shoot Me Down

The bliss of ignorance had me in a trance.
My body was high in the sky, and my mood lifted beyond measure.
I looked onto him for his help in my climb.
I wanted his support and his help in reaching the highest high.
Little did I know his intentions were to shoot me down.
I asked for his words of advice, I asked for his wisdom.
I saw how he began to load the cynicism in his mouth.
Before he could start, I quickly asked him to retrieve.
I told him I didn't need his words, I was happy just the way I am.
But I saw his intentions to continue, as he began to talk.
I began to scream and yelled for him to stop.
Begged him to keep his words to himself, but he only got louder.
He used huge neon signs to point out what I feared.
His words of failure only resonated my own doubts.
Like a megaphone he woke up everything I had been able to put to sleep.
Now with his words being so much more powerful,
Fueled by his male testosterone and strength, I could not get them out.
Now they constantly haunted me. They screamed failure.
A machine gun to my dreams and fantasies.
It did not stop, but I only had so much left inside me.
Don't let me die, don't let him win, I fought inside.
Fight my heart tells me, fight my soul screams.
Die my mind countered attacks, using his words as the bullet that pierced me.
The acidic words ate through every particle of my hope,
And as I laid there feeling that my life is at its end, I see a small light ahead.
The little light inside me that has never been touched,
No matter how strong the wind blows, it always shines.
The light that's protected by the core of my being.
The real me deep inside, that no matter what she has seen she continues to believe.
No, I will not die, because no matter what you say, it's still my life!

----------------
Now playing: Lil Wayne - Shoot Me Down
via FoxyTunes

Target Practice

I was enticed by his poetic words fused with the art of imagination, only left to wonder what the reality would've been like, and with no hope of ever finding out. His rhythmic lyrics and wise words were bullets to my targeted insides. Each word, each statement, each connection, only getting closer to the bulls eye. I became a lifeless piece of paper full of bullet wounds. Each point of weakness shot down with precise accuracy. He could've been a Navy SEALs sniper with his skills, but he wasn't. He was a woman connoisseur, and he knew exactly how to win this battle. And just like the action heroes at the end of a movie, he walked away with his head high, and his back to the wreck havoc that he left behind. But what was he saving, and was his talent to obliterate necessary in this mission?

Random Freewrite

Ocean of Tears

As I feel on the verge of breaking down, I decide to shower. I convinced myself that if I put myself under the water head and cried, my tears would get lost among the water coming down my face. So I stand under the water, and the tears begin to fall, and as they make their way over my mountainous cheeks, and down my face, they reach the corners of my mouth. They sneak themselves inside, and make contact with my taste bugs, making sure that they're presence would be known....next time, I'll just take a trip to the beach. There in the ocean, their presence would be lost among its peers.


The Conversationalist

The man that I'll love will share endless conversations with me. In person, or through the sound waves of a telephone, or the screen of a computer or cellphone. We will indulge in discussions, explanations, stories, of fiction or non fiction topics or subjects, where imagination and reality will mix like the beautiful colors of a visible light spectrum. He will entertain my wild imagination, exploring my mind, and I would do the same with his. We will feed off each others statements and thoughts, never getting enough, and always wanting to want more. The man that I love will know how to equally balance listening, and sharing. Giving me just as much as I'm giving. This will be something I will find in the man that I'll love.


Scared of Lonely

I came along a terrible realization the other day. Something that shook me alert of a hereditary defect in my family. I looked about my uncles and aunts and I realized that out of the 14 aunts and uncles I have, only 1 has a perfectly functional family, the rest either never married, got divorced, and if they are married, its not a stable home. So statistically there is a 13% chance of having a perfectly functional family according to the patterns in my family. I began to wonder, where would I fall? Will I be one of the ones that end up being old and alone?


Last

It seems like all the good girls and guys end up finishing last. Yet, the bible says that the first will be last and the last will be first. Which I can relate. I always seem to be the first to love, the first to give, the first to get hurt. The first to love, and the last to be loved, if loved at all. So I guess I should switch sides now. Because I seem to always lose by being on the good side. Evil seems to always prevail. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being the good heart dumb-ass that gets taken advantage of. Tired of being the one who gets cut first, and last to move on. They say the last to laugh, laughs harder. But I have yet to see that happen.

Hey May!!

Well Hello May, you almost left without me leaving a blog stamped in your month. Unfortunately, like most of the entries in this blog, this isn't one as happy. Yet, you know this blog is where I come to when I feel like no one either understands, or care to listen to me, so that makes you very special.

To begin, Saturday night I had a blast at a reunion/party with all my friends from High School, who I missed soooo much, and was so happy to see. Yet, I woke up this morning with a headache, and just haven't been feeling the day period. Church was more of a drag today, then afterwards I was at home and chilled and we went to the beach. The ocean was deep, rough, and dirty with seaweed. It was a mimic of this feeling I had. I had this real deep, rough, dirty feeling inside, and I didn't know where it came from, or what it meant. So I get home and I decide to go to the movies, to see a movie that might cheer me up, and it didn't go through. So I guess with that final disappointment, on the drive home, I just started to cry.

I was feeling so low, I was feeling like crap. I tried to look for my friends, but some weren't there. Some I don't think, and I didn't try to make them understand. It was one of those moments where I wanted to sulk in my emotions, but I wanted for at least one person to reach out and maybe that would've helped me feel cared about, maybe that would've made me feel less lonely.

Oh well blog, I have to be up in less then 3 hours to go out walking with my bro. I'll get back at you ASAP! Laterzzz

I'M ME!!!

*WARNING! THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS FILLED WITH EXPLICIT WORDS*

FUCK YOU!!! I CAN'T FUCKING SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, BUT I CAN SURE AS HELL SCREAM THROUGH THIS PAGE!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK THIS WORLD!!! FUCK EVERYBODY!!! EVERY FUCKING SELFISH INDIVIDUAL!!! FUCK YOU!!!


Why?

FUCK ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS AND SON OF A BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU, BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS YOUR FUCKING SELF. FUCK YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME. WELL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT SHIT I DON'T LIKE AS WELL. WHY DON'T YOU CHANGE THAT. WHY DO I HAVE TO SENSOR MYSELF AND I HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK I AM BECAUSE YOU SO CALL DON'T LIKE THAT. WELL HOW ABOUT YOU CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. HOW ABOUT YOU SENSOR YOURSELF TO SOMETHING I LIKE. BUT WOULD I EVER ASK THAT FROM YOU!! OF COURSE I FUCKING WON'T!!! WHY BECAUSE THAT'S WHO YOU FUCKING ARE, AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE YOU. AND IF I DON'T LIKE IT, WHY SHOULD I DEAL WITH A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU ANYWAYS. BUT I DO, I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE ME, OHHHH FUCKING WELL. BE GONE, ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!


What?

SO YEAH I'M A BIT CRAZY, I CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. I CAN BE FUCKING DRAMATIC. OH WELL THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM, I'M FUCKING DRAMATIC. I GO OFF ON EMOTIONS FIRST, THAN LOGICAL THINKING. I DON'T FIT THE SUPERMODEL AND/OR VIDEO MODEL AND/OR CELEBRITY MOLD. I LIKE TO BE HELD. I SOMETIMES LIKE ATTENTION, SOMETIMES I WANT TO BE INVISIBLE. I LIKE TO BABBLE TO THOSE WILLING TO LISTEN (WHICH IS BASICALLY NO ONE). I HAVE A RIDICULOUS MIND FULL OF FANTASIES. I CAN BE INSECURE. I CAN BE SLOW AND A LITTLE OBLIVIOUS, BUT I CAN ALSO BE VERY ATTENTIVE. I TEND TO OVER THINK THINGS AND OVER ANALYZE AND SEE THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE THERE. I CAN SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY WHEN I FIND SOMETHING IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CAN HIDE IN MY SHELL, OR I CAN JUST AS MUCH WALK OUT NAKED! I CAN BE SHORT ON WORDS, JUST LIKE I CAN HAVE TOO MUCH TO SAY. SO I'M A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON. I GOT ISSUES!! I CAN CARE TOO MUCH. I CAN CRY FOR ANYTHING. I CAN LOVE SOMEONE UNCONDITIONALLY. I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT. I WILL RIDE OR REALLY DIE FOR THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT. I GIVE MY ALL, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I WILL LISTEN FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EARS. I WILL READ FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EYES. I WILL WALK FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED ME BY YOUR SIDE. BUT I CAN ALSO GET LOST, I CAN ALSO NOT BE THERE UNLESS YOU TELL ME TO. I DON'T LIKE TO BE PUSHY, BUT IF YOU ASK, I'M THERE!


How?

I'M FUCKING SARAI CORDERO. I'M A FUCKING WOMAN, I HAVE A VAGINA. YOU LIKE THAT DON'T YOU, THE VAGINA PART, BUT I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT THAT BRINGS ALONG. US HUMAN BEINGS WITH VAGINA'S ARE ALL DRIVEN BY FUCKING EMOTIONS. SO WHAT DO YOU DO, YOU HIT IT AND QUIT EVERY VAGINA YOU CAN GET, IN ORDER TO GET THE PLEASURE BUT NOT TO DEAL WITH COMES ALONG WITH IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF THAT. THAT'S CALLED BEING A FUCKING COWARD! THAT'S CALLED BEING A PUNK! THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO LOVE ME WILL LOVE ME WITH ALL MY CRAZINESS. WITH ALL MY EMOTIONS, WITH ALL MY ISSUES. HE WILL LOVE EVERY THING THAT'S MAKES ME S-A-R-A-I-C-O-R-D-E-R-O!!! JUST AS I WILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL HIS ISSUES, WITH EVERYTHING THAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS!! CALL ME STUPID FOR BELIEVING THAT?? I CALL YOU STUPID FOR NOT!! SO YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M ME, DON'T LIKE WHO I AM, FEEL FREE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!!

Sometimes....

Sometimes......
I just want to get up and just walk,
walk non stop on a long road,
walk straight, no curves.


Sometimes......
I just want someone to talk to,
doesn't have to be about me,
doesn't have to mean a thing.

Sometimes......
I just want a long hug,
a hug that's tight and strong,
a hug that will last a while.


Sometimes......
I just want to cry a little,
not hard and loud wail,
but tears that fall soft and slow.


Once I again, I find myself alone, wondering when will someone care to listen. When will I find that individual that will sit up with me all night and talk to me, and listen to me. Who will want to really spend their days and nights enthralled in discussions and chats about anything and everything. Last night as I drove home alone in my car, I had this unexplainable feeling inside. I wish I knew what it was, it didn't feel like anger, or neither sadness. It wasn't any of the good feelings either. All I know is that I had a strong urge to cry. To just let my heart let this unexplainable feeling out through lacrimation. But I refuse to cry, I refuse to shed tears, so I wanted to talk. Talk to someone, or anyone about anything. Anything to keep my mind off whatever was causing this feeling. I got to my household, and mechanically got ready for bed, and got on my laptop. First thing that I decided to do was write it out. Write out what I was feeling, whether it made no sense, just write it all out. What was written above is what came out, I probably could have keep going but the phone rang. A call from one of the males in my life that wish to involve himself in sexual activities with me. So we talked. We had a stupid meaningless conversation. Sometimes short periods of silence would occur, but either way somehow it made me feel better. Eventually I ended up getting sleepy. We hung up and I turned everything off and went to bed. But that meaningless conversation filled with idiotic topics was enough to vanish the feeling. Sometimes I just want to walk. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I just want to cry. Why? Doing any of the above, helps me get through those unexplainable feelings, I just don't know how to deal with. All I need is to find that person who is going to be with me during those sometimes.