Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......