Just Fine

Past few days I've been through such a rollercoaster. It would've been deadly if it were constructed in real life. I'm glad I finally got off the ride though. I got lost for a minute there. I overreacted. I didn't want to handle the pain. Tried my best to block the emotions as best as possible. While my eyes were open I wouldn't rationalize, I wouldn't think straight. Only in my dreams did I think clearly. Yesterdays nap, was my final court hearing from my subconscious mind. I heard its views, and I granted it custody.

It's amazing what one person can do. Some people build you up just to bend and break you. Some people bring out parts of you that you had no clue existed. All throughout life we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us, gives us some sort of purpose. We come across people that will hurt us so incredibly much that it seems unbearable to go on with our lives, but the truth is, we can overcome anything we want to if we believe in it enough, if we have faith in ourselves, and in who we are. The most important thing in life is to find yourself, know who you are at all times and stand by that for the rest of your life. No one has the right to tell you who you are or try and control your life cause it's yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us and change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you can know what's right for yourself, you have the power, you make the choices and you learn. Each experience we go through in life is a lesson to be learned. Everything happens for a reason, and without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It's only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with and deal with before we eventually break.

I came to my senses. I realized that everything wasn't over. That yeah, maybe this is the second time I have whole heartedly given my heart out, and maybe this is the second time that the love wasn't returned, but there was a second time, and just like that, there could be a third. Obviously, next time I'll really take things much slower, be a lot more careful. but it doesn't mean that it won't happen. This won't break me either. Back in the day, I would blame things like this on my body issues, or on some silly personal attack on my character. But I won't. I know I'm beautiful inside and out. I actually believe it this time. So I'll be perfectly fine. I know how worthy I am, enough to know that there will be a man out there who will truly see my value, and he will do everything he needs to do to win me over. I won't lie, I'll probably put up a hell of a fight, but like I said, he will know how worthy I am, and he will fight even harder.

Also, I realize that me being single doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not good enough, it just means that I'm smart enough not to settle for something thats not good enough for me. I'm not going to dwell on it anymore and I'll appreciate the fact that atleast right now I have freedom. Freedom from the headaches, from the emotional dependancy, from a guy changing my moods by just uttering the right or wrong words. I'll appreciate this, knowing that I can be happy without some guy. As much as I may want the companionship, I'll enjoy the companionship of my friends and family. Like my little sister, I refuse to depend my happiness on someone else. I will look at the good things that I do have and rejoice in that.

Furthermore, I've always had an issue letting people leave my life. I try to hold on as long as I can, because to me atleast, everyone is valuable. They all bring important things to my life and I assume I would miss out on something. Well I'm tired. Tired of fighting for all the people I care about. Trying to force them to keep me in their life. So from now on, if you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there. I won't be forcing the issue anymore. Those that stay and keep me in theirs, those are the ones that I know are meant to be in my life. Those that choose to cut me out, well I'll just let them do that. There's a reason for everything, and I won't fight whats meant to happen. *shrug*

To those afraid of me changing, well I'm not changing who I am. I've decided that I'll just evolve to a better version. "Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you, and to make you into the person you were meant to be." I accept that whole heartedly. And I'm happy for everyone thats has passed through my life, and everyone who is still in it. As for this hopeless romantic here, I don't know if I'll be embracing too much of that. LOL Maybe, always in the depth of my heart, I'll be hopeful, and I'll always want the romance, but for now, I won't be looking. I think it'll be better that way. If it comes my way, it does. But I will no longer yearn for it. I guess I'll always be a girl who wears her emotions on her sleeve, but I think from now on, I'll wear a sweater, and when it gets hot enough, I'll bear it all out.

From this last incident I'll weigh the Pros and Cons:

Pros- He was a catalyst to my transformation. He helped me understand more of life. He influenced me to be a better me. He showed me that taking risks weren't all that bad. He helped me love again, and love to another level (and I'm sure there are more levels to get to). He helped me see that men aren't truly all the same. And without him knowing, he made me want to be me, all of me, completely, and freely, and made me realize that I didn't have to be what was expected by men, because who I really was, was beautiful enough. He was the first guy I didn't put up false pretenses, and I plan not to ever again.

Cons- It didn't turn out the way I wanted it too. (Pro of that Con - Maybe my ending will be just much better.)

Finally, to you. I really really really thank you. I thank you for stopping it now. For doing the right thing. For giving me enough time to move on and eventually let go. I'll admit that I will forever have love for you. I will always think back and smile at the memories with you. If at some point we do grow completely apart, and we no longer speak, I hope if you do think back at me, you can see that you did something good. And as usual, you came to the rescue, and you saved another life. I truly don't know what I may have done for you. I wish I did know, I wish I brought some good to it. If not, I'm sorry. But I will say this, I will no longer force anything with you. I won't force you to talk to me. If you want me in your life, and believe I can fit in it, I am more than happy to be in it. If not, I will totally understand. Thank you, Gary. Seriously. I hope someday you could see the beauty I see in that cold and dark heart. I hope someday you can open yourself up more to someone, and truly trust them. Well, I wished that had been me. LOL But I guess I'm not, and Lord knows why, but I hope you can. I truly believe you deserve it. I hate that you hold so much inside, and I wish you could find that person to let it all out with. I love you Superman, with all your difficulties, I still do. And I pray for the best in your life, and in the lives of those you love. Whatever will be between us, will be. As for me, right now, laters.

And for you, my precious blog, until the next time. =D