In the Depths of My Mind and Heart: Moment of Weakness #2

I know its only been a little more than week. I know it hasn't been too long. But I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop missing him! And I want to tell him that I miss him. That I don't want to walk away. That I don't want him to leave my life. But I can't do that either. My dad always told me that when a man wants you, he will do everything to get you. And yes, its been said, a closed mouth doesn't get fed. But he made it clear. He told me he doesn't want me. How can I be so naive and go against that? Against a clear understanding that I mean nothing to him. But its so hard right now. And I want to fight. But it hurts that he doesn't fight for me. And yes, maybe as time goes on, I will not feel this bad, but right now it does. Some days are better than others, but today it feels like those days where its unbearable.

[I feel stupid for feeling this way.]

There hasn’t been one day since you left where I haven’t fought the urge to put you back in my life. I sit here and fight with myself. I tell myself that I should fight. I go by things like "Obstacles are put in the way to see if what you really want is worth fighting for." I find him worth fighting... and then I realize that I'm always the one to fight for him. To go after him. To pull him back. Yet, he's never done anything to bring me to him. Maybe because he knows he has me. But still, he never fights for me. All he does is pushes me away. Tells me not to fight. Tells me that what I do is pointless. How can I not take something like that seriously? How can I continue to want him? How can you want someone, that clearly doesn't want me? How can I want someone who doesn't see my worth? How stupid can I be?

You know what really gets me mad though, is these moments like these. Some days I have it all figured out, and I'm feeling so strong. And I'm thankful to be done with him. And I say that it was the best way. And that I so deserve better. And then I come to days like these, days where I fall flat on my face. Days where I am a complete moron. Days where I realize I'm not strong at all. That I'm being a complete dweeb! This is probably what makes me even more mad. Women are truly stupid!