Wild Flower

Well she was precious like a flower. She grew wild, wild but innocent. A perfect prayer in a desperate hour. She was everything beautiful and different. -Keith Urban

I just read in an article a quote by Yoko Ono "You can be very wild and still be very wise." A small chuckle escaped my lips, because it was so fitting to a decision I had to make last night. A young man had offered to give me some oral pleasure. I was intrigued by his offer. After so many years of not being sexually active, and no longer having my own personal/emotional obligation to another man, I though that it would be nice to try it. Why not let go and just get some pleasure for once? I was curious, and getting that kind of pleasure wasn't a bad idea. I thought, that I was tired of being this good girl, because at the end it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Why not have some fun, every once in a while? But yet, still something didn't feel right. I seeked out the help from my BMF (Best Male Friend) and I asked him if I should. And at first he was like yeah, go do it. But I still wasn't happy with that. I had all these internal doubts. Lots of questions arised within. I asked myself if this could be the beginning of a bad habit. If I could truly handle the role of being just a F-buddy for someone. Would I be able to handle it emotionally? And if I was ready to in some way tarnish my "clean" rep, or if I truly wanted to, or found it worthy enough. Atleast for me personally, I take pride in the fact that I don't have numerous lovers on my list. But was I ready to add to it. So I kept talking to my BMF about it and told him how I was truly feeling. At the end he told me "Do what you feel is right." And it clicked to me. Do what I feel is right. I know myself enough to know that during and after the whole sexual experience I was going to feel like crap. That its not in my nature to act out like that. I do wish I was a bit more care free, but at the end of the day I'm not. I truly don't know how to let go of myself that way. So I decided not to go through with it.

I came to the conclusion of many things lastnight: My definition or line of good might be a little to high. Most likely, what I may see as wrong for others is nothing bad at all. Point is, I can lower the bar a bit, and not be too much of an extremist, and be less hard on myself. But, at the end, I will follow how I feel about things. I know I can be scared sometimes, and I must be able to distinguish the difference of fear, or a true gut feeling of wrong, but in all, I will follow the feelings. When it comes to sexual acts, I need to do what I feel is right. Not try to follow some norm in todays society, but my own feelings. And me having random sexual acts with men I haven't gotten to know, just for the hell of having some kind of pleasure, truly isn't my style. I will be my own judge, and stop worrying about what others or society thinks. I truly know the definition of doing M-E, now.

*hugs* & *kisses* Laters... I'll definitely be having more.