In the Depths of My Mind and Heart: Moment of Weakness

Hey make-believe readers (lol so sad... smh),

As you know, I'm here letting some things out. As Cole said "I got some shit I'd like to get off my chest, I spill out my soul, I spit out my stress, & can I spit out my stress?" I feel like this is the only place I can let it all out and not be judge or feel stupid. Yet, I still feel so stupid... Smh.

[She hides her tears and acts like she’s tough cause she knows there’s nothing you can do.]

This weekend was packed for me in events and thoughts. I went out everyday with my sisters. Spent a lot of time with them in the day as well. Not only with them but other people as well. I actually had fun. Friday, I danced my ass off at the club. Got buzzed as hell. Feel like when I'm under the influence, its the only time I feel ok. Yet when its all gone, I go back to feeling alone. I hate that. I hate feeling alone in a room packed of people. I hate feeling alone when I have people in my life that care and love me. Last night actually, I spent like 3 hours outside shooting hoops, and thinking. Trying to endure the pain. Trying not to think about it too much. Trying not to sulk in my room. I don't know why I care so much. Don't know why I should allow myself to feel this way. But I have no choice. It hurts.

[Sometimes life absolutely sucks but those are the days you have to look in the mirror and believe you’re worth more than this.]

Thoughts bring sharp pains to my chest. And no matter how many times I may put them on pause, they eventually come back. I get so mad at myself at these moments of weakness. I get mad at myself when I sit here and miss him. When I wish things could go back. I hate that I do want him. Or maybe that I just want somebody to love me. I wish I wouldn't want it. That I wouldn't care for it. Sometimes I'm good enough to convince myself it isn't worth it. But then there are moments like these when I truly wish someone loved me. Someone would call me at night and tell me they miss me. I want that kind of love.

But it kills me, because I believed. I sooo believed. I believed in the good. I believed in him. As Drake says " they hear about your cons but focus on your pro’s and love you for who you are from the bottom of their soul" I really did. I still do believe in the good in him. But it kills me because the bad over powers him. Like no matter what, or how hard I can try, it won't matter. It kills me because I don't see how he can treat people as if they are disposable. And I fight with myself everyday not to say something. Not to speak to him. Because at the end of the day, he could care less to speak to me. The three days of mourning has passed. I no longer exist. And the lack of my immediate presence is what helps my existence to fade. I guess I was dumb though. Obviously, its more logical for you not to care for someone you never met. While I'm here falling head over heels for him. Hmph... I really need to change this stupidity of me. I really need to do things A LOT differently in my life.

[Now I'm alone again with nothing but memories... again.]

[My heart wants to explode telling you it loves you, but I wont let it. I wont let it break again.]

I understand that my life doesn't have to be perfect. I know the perfect relationship doesn't exist, and I know that I shouldn't be looking for one. But I'm going to continue to live and I'll make it someday. And some day, some day, I'll be thankful I did what I did. It may not be next month, next year, or even ten years from now, but some day I'm going to look back on it and be thankful that I did what I did. From my past relationships I've learned a lot. I don't hate any of them. Every guy is still in my life in a way, and I have deep care for them. Somethings I do wish I had done differently, but then again, I wouldn't know what I know now. Things happen for a reason. Anyways, on my Adele today. I'll quote her for a couple of songs.

[Imagine settling for a life you can have because you don't have the courage to go after the life you really want. you have to make a decision- the kind that bends your future in a whole new direction.]

Adele - He Won't Go

Some say I'll be better without you

But they don't know you like I do

Or at least the sides I thought I knew

I cant bear this time

It drags on as I lose my mind

Reminded by things I find

Like notes and clothes you left behind

Wake me up, wake me up when all is done

I wont rise until this battle's won

My dignity's become undone

[Have you ever wanted to ask a question, but you didn`t because you knew your heart wouldn`t be able to handle the answer?]

Adele - Someone Like You

Never mind

I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

"Don't forget me," I begged

"I'll remember," you said

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead,

Yeah.

[You're moving forward, but looking back. You can change your future, but you can't change your past.]

[Anyone can make you smile and anyone can make you cry but it takes someone really special to make you smile when you have tears in your eyes. < For Jacob]