01/05/2011

I'm the kind of girl who kicks the soda machine because it ripped me off. The kind who doesn't like to get noticed. The kind who is afraid of everything in a way. The kind who will hug you as hard as she can. The kind who will talk for hours on the phone when you might not even be there. The kind who doesn't order a salad on a dare. The kind who doesn't really know who she is, but will never forget what she isn't. The kind who has a hard time letting go. The kind who wants to find the one. The kind who listens to the rules and follows them; for the most part. And most importantly, I'm the kind of girl that can be good for you.

She's the self-preserved, pretty-but-doesn't-know-it kind of girl. Reading her books and daydreaming all day while he's the outgoing, spontaneous, good-looking boy with the most amazing eyes you'll ever see. They grew up from two different worlds, and he'll teach her how to stand up to those who look down to her, and she'll teach him how to love and know the true meaning of jealousy, while he teaches her the same without knowing it. He'll teach her how to shout at the world without a wince, because his hand is holding hers tightly, letting her know he will never leave her, causing her to forget her fears for everything, and just be able to live for once without any worries. Atleast that what she imagines....

Either/Or

There are women who are hard to give thier hearts, but easy to give thier vag. Then there are others like me, who are easy to give thier heart, but hard to give the vag. I began to analyze this. Those who give thier vags easily seem to have more men after them since men are so sexually oriented. While us who hold back on that but are ready to give our hearts, men seem to run away. Why is that? Maybe because men are afraid to take something as valuable as your heart. But aren't they both valuable in their own way. I wish I wasn't so easy to love. I wish I was the other way around. At the end of the day, your mileage won't affect you, like the scars on your heart do.

All she wants is a boy who will call her at 4am, because he couldn't sleep; hold her hand for no reason at all, wrap his arms around her and hold her tight; treat her like she's the most important thing in the world; but mostly she just wants to know someone cares.

12/31/2010

2010!!! What a year!!! What a decade!!! So many ups and downs, but thats life. A decade of growth and gaining wisdom, but then again thats life. 2010, what can I say? Its the perfect way to finish this decade. Its the RIGHT way to go into a new one. This year I have learned so much. I have grown so much. I changed from being a naive, scary, innocent minded girl, to a smarter, more realist, more bolder, and more decisive young women. The many issues that came into my life that seemed unbearable taught me so many beautiful lessons. The people that have come and gone have given me much needed wisdom. As I look back at the years, I now realize the beautiful circle of life. I know appreciate and see the art and beauty of life. I now see and understand the works of God. I am also ready to conquer the world! Although I know life will bring many more lessons, I am ready to learn. I am ready to fully flourish to the person I am suppose to become. I welcome 2011 with excitement. I hope to fill the pages of my journals with joyful stories, and good thoughts. I am going towards my goals with fierce determination. The better phase of my life has begun.

~ You Are So Valuable ~

I want to take a moment to thank those in my life that in this year, and the ones before have impacted me in such a great way. But the most important, I want to thank my mother. When this 21st Century started I was also starting my adolescence. I was going through my teenage nightmare phase. I started off hating her, fighting with her, thinking the whole world was against me. Yet you always maintained. Now as the decade finishes I realize what a great person she is. How important she truly is to me. Its funny how I wanted to get away from her so bad, and now I don't want to do anything without her. How like people say, your mother is your only true friend. She has been my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, and the only person who has always been in my corner. I wouldn't be anything without her. So I have to give her all my thanks.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I'M READY!!!! BSB!!! MAY 2011 WILL EPIC!!!!

Update!

Dear Blog,

O' how I've neglected you! So much has happened. Well not so much, but something pretty big. I got the VSG surgery. I am super happy for it. I have 6 weeks since my surgery. I have lost about 45 pounds already. I see the difference in my clothes. I am very happy though. I have been doing pretty good lately. School went well. I hope this new year to be another year full of new things and experiences. I can't wait. Long road ahead of me, but I will get there. I will be checking in more often hopefully. I'm sorry for being away for so long. I promise not to do this again. See you soon!

Please Don't Shoot Me Down

The bliss of ignorance had me in a trance.
My body was high in the sky, and my mood lifted beyond measure.
I looked onto him for his help in my climb.
I wanted his support and his help in reaching the highest high.
Little did I know his intentions were to shoot me down.
I asked for his words of advice, I asked for his wisdom.
I saw how he began to load the cynicism in his mouth.
Before he could start, I quickly asked him to retrieve.
I told him I didn't need his words, I was happy just the way I am.
But I saw his intentions to continue, as he began to talk.
I began to scream and yelled for him to stop.
Begged him to keep his words to himself, but he only got louder.
He used huge neon signs to point out what I feared.
His words of failure only resonated my own doubts.
Like a megaphone he woke up everything I had been able to put to sleep.
Now with his words being so much more powerful,
Fueled by his male testosterone and strength, I could not get them out.
Now they constantly haunted me. They screamed failure.
A machine gun to my dreams and fantasies.
It did not stop, but I only had so much left inside me.
Don't let me die, don't let him win, I fought inside.
Fight my heart tells me, fight my soul screams.
Die my mind countered attacks, using his words as the bullet that pierced me.
The acidic words ate through every particle of my hope,
And as I laid there feeling that my life is at its end, I see a small light ahead.
The little light inside me that has never been touched,
No matter how strong the wind blows, it always shines.
The light that's protected by the core of my being.
The real me deep inside, that no matter what she has seen she continues to believe.
No, I will not die, because no matter what you say, it's still my life!

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Now playing: Lil Wayne - Shoot Me Down
via FoxyTunes

Target Practice

I was enticed by his poetic words fused with the art of imagination, only left to wonder what the reality would've been like, and with no hope of ever finding out. His rhythmic lyrics and wise words were bullets to my targeted insides. Each word, each statement, each connection, only getting closer to the bulls eye. I became a lifeless piece of paper full of bullet wounds. Each point of weakness shot down with precise accuracy. He could've been a Navy SEALs sniper with his skills, but he wasn't. He was a woman connoisseur, and he knew exactly how to win this battle. And just like the action heroes at the end of a movie, he walked away with his head high, and his back to the wreck havoc that he left behind. But what was he saving, and was his talent to obliterate necessary in this mission?

Random Freewrite

Ocean of Tears

As I feel on the verge of breaking down, I decide to shower. I convinced myself that if I put myself under the water head and cried, my tears would get lost among the water coming down my face. So I stand under the water, and the tears begin to fall, and as they make their way over my mountainous cheeks, and down my face, they reach the corners of my mouth. They sneak themselves inside, and make contact with my taste bugs, making sure that they're presence would be known....next time, I'll just take a trip to the beach. There in the ocean, their presence would be lost among its peers.


The Conversationalist

The man that I'll love will share endless conversations with me. In person, or through the sound waves of a telephone, or the screen of a computer or cellphone. We will indulge in discussions, explanations, stories, of fiction or non fiction topics or subjects, where imagination and reality will mix like the beautiful colors of a visible light spectrum. He will entertain my wild imagination, exploring my mind, and I would do the same with his. We will feed off each others statements and thoughts, never getting enough, and always wanting to want more. The man that I love will know how to equally balance listening, and sharing. Giving me just as much as I'm giving. This will be something I will find in the man that I'll love.


Scared of Lonely

I came along a terrible realization the other day. Something that shook me alert of a hereditary defect in my family. I looked about my uncles and aunts and I realized that out of the 14 aunts and uncles I have, only 1 has a perfectly functional family, the rest either never married, got divorced, and if they are married, its not a stable home. So statistically there is a 13% chance of having a perfectly functional family according to the patterns in my family. I began to wonder, where would I fall? Will I be one of the ones that end up being old and alone?


Last

It seems like all the good girls and guys end up finishing last. Yet, the bible says that the first will be last and the last will be first. Which I can relate. I always seem to be the first to love, the first to give, the first to get hurt. The first to love, and the last to be loved, if loved at all. So I guess I should switch sides now. Because I seem to always lose by being on the good side. Evil seems to always prevail. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being the good heart dumb-ass that gets taken advantage of. Tired of being the one who gets cut first, and last to move on. They say the last to laugh, laughs harder. But I have yet to see that happen.