Hello....

As I'm walking I notice your figure in front of me, and immediately the sight of you turns me on fire. I walk slowly towards you and the thoughts rush into my mind. I begin to undress you with my eyes. My wanting beginning to surface rapidly. All I can think about is feeling your arms around me, feeling my body against yours. Tasting those lips, and having you inside me. I begin to ache. Looking into your eyes, I notice that my desire is equally matched. I still can't believe that I get to have you after all. That I'll get to enjoy you both physically and spiritually. When I reach you, you slowly put your arms around my waist, as I lock mines around your neck. I feel you smell me in, caressing your face on my shoulders and neck. Smelling my hair and then caressing my face. Every movement sending small chills down my spine, as my body becomes highly alert to the masculine touch. I feel your beautiful hands on the small of my back, your hands sliding up and down my center. All I can think about is having you naked asap! I feel somewhat weird, because I've never wanted anyone so bad. Never needed anyone as bad. Felt like maybe these feelings and emotions will be too much to control. But I talked myself down before doing something irrational. I didn't want to jump into it too fast. I needed to savor it as much as I could. I needed to torture myself a little, before completely giving in. I wanted to take you in from all aspects. I wanted to watch you talk, eat, drink, walk, your gestures, your movements, everything. Then I wanted to sex you. Yet, one thing I was sure I couldn't wait for was kissing those lips. As you slowly made your way to the front of my face, I began kissing your cheek, your jaw line, your cute chin, and finally made it to your bottom lip. I took it into my lips, and sucked on it lightly. Then took your top lip, and kissed it softly. I continue to kiss those luscious lips, getting more passionate as we continue. We take a breather and go back to kissing once again, this time softly and slowly. I pull myself away, because I could already feel myself getting wet inside. I kiss your cheek, and let go of our embrace, looked into your eyes, and finally for the first time said "Hey".

Overflowing

There is this vast feeling of emptiness inside of me
As I stretch my hands on the base of my chest
I feel my heart beating lively like the drums of the poor little drummer boy
Yet I feel as if I have nothing inside
As if my inside consisted of nothing but air
My body feels as if I had something there that is now missing
A pain that makes me shudder and makes my invisible heart cringe
A pain that makes my throat dry and sticky
A pain that waters my eyes with excess lubrication
The emptiness.......
The pain.....
I take my arms and hold myself and comfort myself
Yet, I let the lacrimation fall
As my overflowing well of pain begins to empty out.
I must somehow let all this go, I have to get rid of this
I have to bring the strong side of me out once again
But this is one of those times that she decides to hide
This is the time she decides to give me space.
To let me feel this pain, and remind me of whats really inside
Remind me of the real emptiness inside,
The black hole that is slowly pulling parts of me into into its time warp
Sending it into another dimension far from my own reality.
Maybe this pain and this emptiness just means change
I am and I know because I feel it, I am in a transformation
My life, views, feelings, determinations, goals, motivations.
It all has changed slowly as I have gained so much knowledge.
My cup was overflowing and I couldn't hold anything new,
now that it is empty, I can fill it with new things,
New feelings, new goals, new knowledge, new experiences
So stubborn to let go of the rope, I didn't realize beyond it was a new world.
My cup is empty, I welcome the liquid of life to begin to fill it once again.

Craving

Have you ever craved something you never had
Craved something you have never touched
Wanted something you knew little about
Needing it as if you've had it all your life

Craving....

Wanting him in ways I never would've imagine
I love his brain, everything he's all about.
Fueling my wanting for him both physically and mentally
Wanting both his body and his soul

Craving.....

His voice, his words, his intelligence
I crave talking to him beyond the things we do now
I want to know all about his wants, his fears, his wounds
His past, present and future I crave to know

Craving....

His beautiful face and sexy body
I picture it in my mind and my lips get wet
Thinking of touching his gorgeous physique
Having him inside me in so many ways

Cravings....

Will they ever be satisfied
Will my want and need for him ever subside
Mmmm....I crave him in the worst ways


I guess I'll just have to get by

Just One of Those Days #1

I titled it #1 because I feel as if this won't be the last, even though I wish it was.

It's just one of those days today. I feel real sucky and down, and I really don't even know the reasons why. I have a this feeling inside, its like I have a hole in my chest, and I have no clue where it came from. It hurts, and I have no real way of knowing how to patch it up. All I can really do, is just sulk, especially because I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Whether because I feel like no one cares, or I just feel real embarrassed to show this weak side of me. It makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am such a loser for even feeling this way. As I sit here and contemplate on this feeling, I realize that its more like a blackhole, as if its sucking me inside of it with its hard gravitational force. Somethings wrong and I can't pinpoint it...FUDGE! I am though really turned of by some situations with certain people in my life. I feel like because of thier immaturity (and yes they are adult older then men, so immaturity shouldn't even be the issue with them) and their mouths, all I want to do is really pull myself away from them, anywhere they are, and anything I have to share with them. In reality, I really wish I could just move out to a whole new and different place, and just be a whole new me. Just do everything and anything I want to do, and not worry about what people think, because since I won't really know any of these people, I wont care about their feelings and thoughts. Alaska sounds real good after all.....take me with you.

I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.

The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

By Tupac Shakur

Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......

When will someone care enough to listen...

Detoriating to be alone,
Where no one wants to follow.
The fight of your unconsious and conscious mind
You are tormented by your inner battle
Your conscious mind looking for solace,
While your unconscious reveals it'll never be found
As you lay in bed forever desolate.
You wonder if someone will ever be around.
Will someone ever really want to hear your hurt
Find interest in you joys and your pains
Hear your soul, hear you heart.
Thier interest a forever burning flame.
Thats what my heart truly desire
A being who i can forever confide in
Who's unconditional love will never expire
But growing constanly without an end
Who is eternally tantalized by my thoughts,
Wanting to be part of my mentality
Constantly and forevermore understanding
Always intrigued by my somber and felicity
Will someone ever really care to listen?

Locked Inside A Glass Tank

I wrote this a while back, I hadnt finished it because I just couldn't think of an ending for it. So today i wrote the last stanza. It is what is is...lol

Locked inside a cubed glassed tank
I see the flow of emotions filling up the tank
I kick the walls trying to break the glass
I need to find an escape.

My mind begins to wonder how did i get in here
I see fast paced images being placed infront of me
I see the one i loved and left me
I see my favorite couple breaking up
I see my partner in crime leaving my side

I come back and the flow of emotions has accelerated
The tank begins to fill at an alarming rate
I kick the glass harder hoping it breaks
I need to find an escape

My vision gets blurred and I find myself in a room
Relieved to think I am out I'm only being deceived
I recognize the room and a sharp pain hits me
I see my favorite couple using harsh words
I see my favorite couple getting agitated
I see my favorite couple fist fighting
Yet the male is dominating

I come back and the tank is halfway full
I m floating up now and see the top closing in
I try to hit the glass once again hoping it breaks
I need to find an escape

I feel faint and I find myself in a room
Not to be fooled again I look for the bus
I look down the road and see it far on its way
I see my partner in crime on her way
I see my partner in crime finding her new life
I see my partner in crime leaving what she loves
Because she let the male dominate her life.

I come back to the reality of this tank
The water is up to my neck and I'm losing air.
I swim down trying to find a way out of it
I need to find an escape

As I lose the breathe inside I faint once again
I begin to feel this undeniable and familiar pain
I could recall the words that made my heart break
I see the one I loved conjure these words of hurt
I see the one I loved just put me aside
I see the one I loved walk out of my life
And he dominates her life by leaving her in pain

I thought I was dead from that last blow to the heart
But once again I was in this tank of emotional pain
Yet this time I actually used my brain and not my heart
And realized I just needed to let it completely out
I swim to the top and gave the lid all my might
I found my breathe again, and everything overflowed out.