Shrug...

So something nice happened to my sister. And I'm super duper happy for her. Some really cute football player hollered at her at work, and she actually had to balls to call him when he left his number. And she noticed that he's a real cool interesting guy. She's liking him. And I really wish this can be the beginning of a fairytale for her. If I can't have one, I sure hope she does.

I have my 2nd lil sister, who's in a relationship with a really good looking 26 year old, whos a goooooooood guy, wants all the right things by her. Wants to marry her, take care of her, give her children, and be the right man for her, and all she can think about is thats, she wants to party, and have fun.

The irony of the world. Things that I look for. Things that my bestfriend look for in guys, we can't get. Maybe because they are short, petite, and beautiful. While, I'm nice, I guess. I can't even get the one guy that I do want, to want me back. I can't get him to give me the things that I crave frm him. And I have this huge fairytale wish in my mind, and I'll give up the "fairytale" just to be with him.

*sigh* Life is so unfair... =(

Am I ready?

I hope I don't get killed for this...

I believe that everyone is self-conscious/insecure. Deep down we are. I don't think no one is 100% of the time thinking I'm the shit. So my question is, its normal to be scared right? Ok, my issue is... I know I'm beautiful inside and out. And as someone has mentioned to me before about knowing my worth... I know it. I believe I have a lot of good to offer to the man that truly desires to dissect me to my core and overpass my "problems". I really do. But I get scared. Sometimes I think, what if I'm not good enough, what if I'm not smart enough, what if I'm not pretty enough, what if I'm not freaky enough, what if I'm not experienced enough? What if I'm not strong enough? I just want to know if its normal to be scared, because if its not, if doubting myself means that I need to continue to work on myself (Although to me, working on yourself is a life long process, due to the different stages in life, we have to constantly change and adapt) then I want to know. Basically, during my constant self-reflecting, I always wonder if I am truly ready. In my mind I say that I am, but then again, I am my biggest critic. Ok, so I have a better question...

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE READY TO LOVE!?

Things I'm scared to tell you...

1- Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for you. Like I'm not pretty enough. Smart enough. Creative enough. Freaky enough. Experienced enough. Strong enough. And it scares me...


2- Why have you never called me beautiful? Not that I'm fishing for compliments. Or that I need reassurance, because not only do I get complimented all the time, but deep down inside I know I'm beautiful inside out. But, you've never said it. I wonder why... To me, I would tell you every day how beautiful you are. I would tell you how sexy you look. How I love your eyes, and your nose, and your chin. I know the compliments might get tiring, so I might not say it everyday. But any chance where its fitting, I will. But I've never gotten any of that from you. And it would mean so much to hear it from YOU. Unless you don't think I'm beautiful, and therefore I totally understand.

I wish you were here with me. I wish I was there with you. but most of all, I wish I didn't have to wish for you, I wish I just had you already!

Yeah... I'm still thinking about kissing you... I think I always will... Even after I finally kiss you.

So just kiss me and let my hair messy itself in your fingers and let me steady myself in the arms of a man that won't ask me to be what he needs, but lets me exist as I am. 

Kissing You

Kissing You...

 The day I see you, I'm going to kiss you.

 I'm not going to say Hello, or shake your hand.

 I'm going to walk up to you, wrap my arms around your neck,

pull you down, as I tip toe up, and place my lips on yours. 

I will take in your bottom lip, suck and bite it.

 And I'm going to kiss you long, and let it progress as far as you let it.

 And yeah, you'll have to stop me, because if its up to me,

 I'll never stop kissing you.

 I crave to kiss you.

 I daydream about kissing you

Kissing you...

The Ungrateful vs The Unappreciated

So a young man lastnight left this here for a young woman in the building. First he was calling her to tell her himself that he was leaving it here. She never picked up. He left it, and asked us to call and inform her. The Front desk at the time, called and left a message. She later called back and she was told personally that this was here for her. This was lastnight at around 10pm.The guy called me already twice this morning to see if she had picked it up yet, and my co worker told me this morning that he had called a couple of times lastnight as well checking. My best guess is that they were dating, because he would leave here early in the mornings, pick her up often, and other signs. Anyways, its basically 13hrs later and now the girl comes down with her friend, and they are laughing at the fact that the guy left her this. Her bestfriend tells her "Ewww, I hope you're not eating that cupcake!". (The cupcake looks quite good in my opinion. LOL) Point is that they walk away and leave it there laughing, and saying "Ehhh, I'll pick it up when I come back from getting some breakfast." and they leave laughing at the poor guy.

THIS MADE ME SOOO MAD!!! How freaking ungrateful. Apart from the fact that you may not be feeling the guy or whatever. To laugh and mock is pretty wrong. I would've really appreciated something like this even if I wasn't interested in the guy. I would love a gesture like this! Unless dude is stalker type, of course. But I don't think thats the case here. And this is not the 1st time I see this. Here in my building are a lot of pretty (stripper/porn star type) chicks, and you see men sending them flowers like crazy. Yet, a nice young woman has to go through thick and thin to get a nice gesture like that! I've always secretly and very deep down inside everytime I see a flower delivery, I wish it was for me. I know its not, but I always have that tiny hope, that maybe, just maybe.... Ha! Get disappointed everytime.

You know, because of broads like this men then go on this "F*ck B*tches* rampage, and I totally understand them. BUT, they shouldn't take it out on every woman, but men are more sensitive than us, and when their feelings are hurt, they take it way harder. I was sooo fighting the urge to take the flowers and slap her with them, and then take the cupcake and stuff it down her pretty lil throat. But, I just put my music louder. And this girl is gorgeous. Nice lil body, pretty face, beautiful long black hair, nice big fake boobs, and this dude is not ugly as well. But thats why Kanye said "The prettiest people, do the ugliest things" UGH!!!!!!!!

Just venting.... *shrug*

Hate Being Incepted!

I hate when my dreams are incepted.

I hate when he decides to make unwanted appearances in my subconscious mind.

And there, in those realms where all the impossible and all the desires seem to work themselves out,

I see him and he says and does the things that I have always wanted him to say and do.

I don’t go to sleep thinking of him.

I don’t wish upon a star for him.

Yet, here he is again, bringing trouble to my only state where I am happy.

I saw him lastnight…

And as my eyes opened up to the reality, everything began to hurt again.

I close my eyes and all I see is your face; then when they are open again, all I see is an open space.

I hate that interacting with you has messed me up all over again.

My head is a fucking mess, and now I have to work at fixing it again.

I don’t want to desire you. I don’t want you to want me back.

I don’t want to care for you. I don’t want to cry.

Will this ever change? Will I ever not be affected by you?

In my dream you said all the perfect words… Smh

Why do I love you, when clearly it will never change anything.

I still love you, but I’m so done trying, I’m done fighting because its supposedly “worth” it.

But what about me? Am I not worth it? Do I not get a chance to be fought for?

Clearly I must not be that to you. If so, let me know when you miss me.

People say that the bad memories cause the most pain, but actually it's the good ones that drive you insane.

"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them." ~ John Green

Don't act like you don't care, then turn round and say you do, because the words you say when you're not caring have a bigger impact on me than when you pretend to care.

Fuck it. Fuck the, "He won't know what he has until it's gone." bullshit.

I want a kid that's going to know what he has when he has it, not when it's too late.

I can only imagine our first encounter.

If its up to me, I would never let it happen.

I can see myself seeing you.

And at that moment all my feelings rushing back.

And to be polite and act as if everything is ok, I will smile.

And my smile will be big and real.

Because in reality just seeing would bring me joy

But deep down I would be hurting inside.

And I will say Hello, and give you a kiss on the cheek

And wrap my arms around you for a hug.

But as I pull away, I can imagine the sharp pain.

And I will try my best to say Good bye and leave.

But I bet small talk will most surely begin.

And during this small talk I will try my best to act with ease.

I will laugh and smile and comment and breathe

While inside I am hurting, and burning, and ready to bleed.

And once this 1 1/2 minute conversation ends,

I will turn around and walk away.

Find the nearest and closes place where I could hide

And let all the tears and pain that I've been holding inside,

Finally make its way out of my eyes.

It will be the most heartbreaking enounter in my life.

Because all I would ever want in my first encounter with you

Is to hold you forever, and kiss you with all the passion I have for you.