12/31/2010

2010!!! What a year!!! What a decade!!! So many ups and downs, but thats life. A decade of growth and gaining wisdom, but then again thats life. 2010, what can I say? Its the perfect way to finish this decade. Its the RIGHT way to go into a new one. This year I have learned so much. I have grown so much. I changed from being a naive, scary, innocent minded girl, to a smarter, more realist, more bolder, and more decisive young women. The many issues that came into my life that seemed unbearable taught me so many beautiful lessons. The people that have come and gone have given me much needed wisdom. As I look back at the years, I now realize the beautiful circle of life. I know appreciate and see the art and beauty of life. I now see and understand the works of God. I am also ready to conquer the world! Although I know life will bring many more lessons, I am ready to learn. I am ready to fully flourish to the person I am suppose to become. I welcome 2011 with excitement. I hope to fill the pages of my journals with joyful stories, and good thoughts. I am going towards my goals with fierce determination. The better phase of my life has begun.

~ You Are So Valuable ~

I want to take a moment to thank those in my life that in this year, and the ones before have impacted me in such a great way. But the most important, I want to thank my mother. When this 21st Century started I was also starting my adolescence. I was going through my teenage nightmare phase. I started off hating her, fighting with her, thinking the whole world was against me. Yet you always maintained. Now as the decade finishes I realize what a great person she is. How important she truly is to me. Its funny how I wanted to get away from her so bad, and now I don't want to do anything without her. How like people say, your mother is your only true friend. She has been my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, and the only person who has always been in my corner. I wouldn't be anything without her. So I have to give her all my thanks.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I'M READY!!!! BSB!!! MAY 2011 WILL EPIC!!!!

Update!

Dear Blog,

O' how I've neglected you! So much has happened. Well not so much, but something pretty big. I got the VSG surgery. I am super happy for it. I have 6 weeks since my surgery. I have lost about 45 pounds already. I see the difference in my clothes. I am very happy though. I have been doing pretty good lately. School went well. I hope this new year to be another year full of new things and experiences. I can't wait. Long road ahead of me, but I will get there. I will be checking in more often hopefully. I'm sorry for being away for so long. I promise not to do this again. See you soon!

Please Don't Shoot Me Down

The bliss of ignorance had me in a trance.
My body was high in the sky, and my mood lifted beyond measure.
I looked onto him for his help in my climb.
I wanted his support and his help in reaching the highest high.
Little did I know his intentions were to shoot me down.
I asked for his words of advice, I asked for his wisdom.
I saw how he began to load the cynicism in his mouth.
Before he could start, I quickly asked him to retrieve.
I told him I didn't need his words, I was happy just the way I am.
But I saw his intentions to continue, as he began to talk.
I began to scream and yelled for him to stop.
Begged him to keep his words to himself, but he only got louder.
He used huge neon signs to point out what I feared.
His words of failure only resonated my own doubts.
Like a megaphone he woke up everything I had been able to put to sleep.
Now with his words being so much more powerful,
Fueled by his male testosterone and strength, I could not get them out.
Now they constantly haunted me. They screamed failure.
A machine gun to my dreams and fantasies.
It did not stop, but I only had so much left inside me.
Don't let me die, don't let him win, I fought inside.
Fight my heart tells me, fight my soul screams.
Die my mind countered attacks, using his words as the bullet that pierced me.
The acidic words ate through every particle of my hope,
And as I laid there feeling that my life is at its end, I see a small light ahead.
The little light inside me that has never been touched,
No matter how strong the wind blows, it always shines.
The light that's protected by the core of my being.
The real me deep inside, that no matter what she has seen she continues to believe.
No, I will not die, because no matter what you say, it's still my life!

----------------
Now playing: Lil Wayne - Shoot Me Down
via FoxyTunes

Target Practice

I was enticed by his poetic words fused with the art of imagination, only left to wonder what the reality would've been like, and with no hope of ever finding out. His rhythmic lyrics and wise words were bullets to my targeted insides. Each word, each statement, each connection, only getting closer to the bulls eye. I became a lifeless piece of paper full of bullet wounds. Each point of weakness shot down with precise accuracy. He could've been a Navy SEALs sniper with his skills, but he wasn't. He was a woman connoisseur, and he knew exactly how to win this battle. And just like the action heroes at the end of a movie, he walked away with his head high, and his back to the wreck havoc that he left behind. But what was he saving, and was his talent to obliterate necessary in this mission?

Random Freewrite

Ocean of Tears

As I feel on the verge of breaking down, I decide to shower. I convinced myself that if I put myself under the water head and cried, my tears would get lost among the water coming down my face. So I stand under the water, and the tears begin to fall, and as they make their way over my mountainous cheeks, and down my face, they reach the corners of my mouth. They sneak themselves inside, and make contact with my taste bugs, making sure that they're presence would be known....next time, I'll just take a trip to the beach. There in the ocean, their presence would be lost among its peers.


The Conversationalist

The man that I'll love will share endless conversations with me. In person, or through the sound waves of a telephone, or the screen of a computer or cellphone. We will indulge in discussions, explanations, stories, of fiction or non fiction topics or subjects, where imagination and reality will mix like the beautiful colors of a visible light spectrum. He will entertain my wild imagination, exploring my mind, and I would do the same with his. We will feed off each others statements and thoughts, never getting enough, and always wanting to want more. The man that I love will know how to equally balance listening, and sharing. Giving me just as much as I'm giving. This will be something I will find in the man that I'll love.


Scared of Lonely

I came along a terrible realization the other day. Something that shook me alert of a hereditary defect in my family. I looked about my uncles and aunts and I realized that out of the 14 aunts and uncles I have, only 1 has a perfectly functional family, the rest either never married, got divorced, and if they are married, its not a stable home. So statistically there is a 13% chance of having a perfectly functional family according to the patterns in my family. I began to wonder, where would I fall? Will I be one of the ones that end up being old and alone?


Last

It seems like all the good girls and guys end up finishing last. Yet, the bible says that the first will be last and the last will be first. Which I can relate. I always seem to be the first to love, the first to give, the first to get hurt. The first to love, and the last to be loved, if loved at all. So I guess I should switch sides now. Because I seem to always lose by being on the good side. Evil seems to always prevail. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of being the good heart dumb-ass that gets taken advantage of. Tired of being the one who gets cut first, and last to move on. They say the last to laugh, laughs harder. But I have yet to see that happen.

Hey May!!

Well Hello May, you almost left without me leaving a blog stamped in your month. Unfortunately, like most of the entries in this blog, this isn't one as happy. Yet, you know this blog is where I come to when I feel like no one either understands, or care to listen to me, so that makes you very special.

To begin, Saturday night I had a blast at a reunion/party with all my friends from High School, who I missed soooo much, and was so happy to see. Yet, I woke up this morning with a headache, and just haven't been feeling the day period. Church was more of a drag today, then afterwards I was at home and chilled and we went to the beach. The ocean was deep, rough, and dirty with seaweed. It was a mimic of this feeling I had. I had this real deep, rough, dirty feeling inside, and I didn't know where it came from, or what it meant. So I get home and I decide to go to the movies, to see a movie that might cheer me up, and it didn't go through. So I guess with that final disappointment, on the drive home, I just started to cry.

I was feeling so low, I was feeling like crap. I tried to look for my friends, but some weren't there. Some I don't think, and I didn't try to make them understand. It was one of those moments where I wanted to sulk in my emotions, but I wanted for at least one person to reach out and maybe that would've helped me feel cared about, maybe that would've made me feel less lonely.

Oh well blog, I have to be up in less then 3 hours to go out walking with my bro. I'll get back at you ASAP! Laterzzz

I'M ME!!!

*WARNING! THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS FILLED WITH EXPLICIT WORDS*

FUCK YOU!!! I CAN'T FUCKING SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, BUT I CAN SURE AS HELL SCREAM THROUGH THIS PAGE!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK THIS WORLD!!! FUCK EVERYBODY!!! EVERY FUCKING SELFISH INDIVIDUAL!!! FUCK YOU!!!


Why?

FUCK ALL YOU SELFISH BASTARDS AND SON OF A BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU, BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS YOUR FUCKING SELF. FUCK YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THINGS ABOUT ME. WELL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, YOU GOT SHIT I DON'T LIKE AS WELL. WHY DON'T YOU CHANGE THAT. WHY DO I HAVE TO SENSOR MYSELF AND I HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK I AM BECAUSE YOU SO CALL DON'T LIKE THAT. WELL HOW ABOUT YOU CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE. HOW ABOUT YOU SENSOR YOURSELF TO SOMETHING I LIKE. BUT WOULD I EVER ASK THAT FROM YOU!! OF COURSE I FUCKING WON'T!!! WHY BECAUSE THAT'S WHO YOU FUCKING ARE, AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO CHANGE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE, THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE YOU. AND IF I DON'T LIKE IT, WHY SHOULD I DEAL WITH A MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU ANYWAYS. BUT I DO, I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE ME, OHHHH FUCKING WELL. BE GONE, ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!!


What?

SO YEAH I'M A BIT CRAZY, I CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. I CAN BE FUCKING DRAMATIC. OH WELL THAT'S WHO I FUCKING AM, I'M FUCKING DRAMATIC. I GO OFF ON EMOTIONS FIRST, THAN LOGICAL THINKING. I DON'T FIT THE SUPERMODEL AND/OR VIDEO MODEL AND/OR CELEBRITY MOLD. I LIKE TO BE HELD. I SOMETIMES LIKE ATTENTION, SOMETIMES I WANT TO BE INVISIBLE. I LIKE TO BABBLE TO THOSE WILLING TO LISTEN (WHICH IS BASICALLY NO ONE). I HAVE A RIDICULOUS MIND FULL OF FANTASIES. I CAN BE INSECURE. I CAN BE SLOW AND A LITTLE OBLIVIOUS, BUT I CAN ALSO BE VERY ATTENTIVE. I TEND TO OVER THINK THINGS AND OVER ANALYZE AND SEE THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE THERE. I CAN SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY WHEN I FIND SOMETHING IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CAN HIDE IN MY SHELL, OR I CAN JUST AS MUCH WALK OUT NAKED! I CAN BE SHORT ON WORDS, JUST LIKE I CAN HAVE TOO MUCH TO SAY. SO I'M A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON. I GOT ISSUES!! I CAN CARE TOO MUCH. I CAN CRY FOR ANYTHING. I CAN LOVE SOMEONE UNCONDITIONALLY. I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT. I WILL RIDE OR REALLY DIE FOR THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT. I GIVE MY ALL, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I WILL LISTEN FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EARS. I WILL READ FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED MY EYES. I WILL WALK FOR AS LONG AS YOU NEED ME BY YOUR SIDE. BUT I CAN ALSO GET LOST, I CAN ALSO NOT BE THERE UNLESS YOU TELL ME TO. I DON'T LIKE TO BE PUSHY, BUT IF YOU ASK, I'M THERE!


How?

I'M FUCKING SARAI CORDERO. I'M A FUCKING WOMAN, I HAVE A VAGINA. YOU LIKE THAT DON'T YOU, THE VAGINA PART, BUT I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT THAT BRINGS ALONG. US HUMAN BEINGS WITH VAGINA'S ARE ALL DRIVEN BY FUCKING EMOTIONS. SO WHAT DO YOU DO, YOU HIT IT AND QUIT EVERY VAGINA YOU CAN GET, IN ORDER TO GET THE PLEASURE BUT NOT TO DEAL WITH COMES ALONG WITH IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF THAT. THAT'S CALLED BEING A FUCKING COWARD! THAT'S CALLED BEING A PUNK! THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO LOVE ME WILL LOVE ME WITH ALL MY CRAZINESS. WITH ALL MY EMOTIONS, WITH ALL MY ISSUES. HE WILL LOVE EVERY THING THAT'S MAKES ME S-A-R-A-I-C-O-R-D-E-R-O!!! JUST AS I WILL LOVE HIM WITH ALL HIS ISSUES, WITH EVERYTHING THAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS!! CALL ME STUPID FOR BELIEVING THAT?? I CALL YOU STUPID FOR NOT!! SO YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M ME, DON'T LIKE WHO I AM, FEEL FREE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!!

Sometimes....

Sometimes......
I just want to get up and just walk,
walk non stop on a long road,
walk straight, no curves.


Sometimes......
I just want someone to talk to,
doesn't have to be about me,
doesn't have to mean a thing.

Sometimes......
I just want a long hug,
a hug that's tight and strong,
a hug that will last a while.


Sometimes......
I just want to cry a little,
not hard and loud wail,
but tears that fall soft and slow.


Once I again, I find myself alone, wondering when will someone care to listen. When will I find that individual that will sit up with me all night and talk to me, and listen to me. Who will want to really spend their days and nights enthralled in discussions and chats about anything and everything. Last night as I drove home alone in my car, I had this unexplainable feeling inside. I wish I knew what it was, it didn't feel like anger, or neither sadness. It wasn't any of the good feelings either. All I know is that I had a strong urge to cry. To just let my heart let this unexplainable feeling out through lacrimation. But I refuse to cry, I refuse to shed tears, so I wanted to talk. Talk to someone, or anyone about anything. Anything to keep my mind off whatever was causing this feeling. I got to my household, and mechanically got ready for bed, and got on my laptop. First thing that I decided to do was write it out. Write out what I was feeling, whether it made no sense, just write it all out. What was written above is what came out, I probably could have keep going but the phone rang. A call from one of the males in my life that wish to involve himself in sexual activities with me. So we talked. We had a stupid meaningless conversation. Sometimes short periods of silence would occur, but either way somehow it made me feel better. Eventually I ended up getting sleepy. We hung up and I turned everything off and went to bed. But that meaningless conversation filled with idiotic topics was enough to vanish the feeling. Sometimes I just want to walk. Sometimes I just want to talk. Sometimes I just want to be held. Sometimes I just want to cry. Why? Doing any of the above, helps me get through those unexplainable feelings, I just don't know how to deal with. All I need is to find that person who is going to be with me during those sometimes.

Dear God, Can I Still Come Up?

Dear God,

What's good? I'm sure you're getting other prayers coming in with things that are more serious, but maybe this will make you laugh. So, as I write this consider this my prayer, because since I know you're omniscient you already know what I'm writing, therefore placing my knees on the floor seem unnecessary at the moment. This young lady you called out from the moment I was in my mother’s womb and branded me for a specific purpose has grown and is asking for permission. Permission to stray away for a minute. Permission to experience that what you call sin. I have grown, I have gotten wiser, and the knowledge from that fruit you didn't want Adam and Eve has finally reached my mind and I finally understand. I also understand why you wanted to keep it away from us, because we humans have a way of taking things overboard and abusing it, but I know it, and it’s too late to go back. Point is I want to experience. The bible says not to get drunk, but it doesn't say not to drink period, so I'm going to drink. Sex, I understand your purpose for sex, I understand that you made sex in order for us to procreate, for us to multiply and expand, and also made it pleasurable so it won’t be a tough task to complete, but also for it to be a way to express our love to that who is your husband or wife, therefore making the bond stronger. I understand it completely, sex is not to be selfish, not for us to use it as a way to satisfy our own needs, but for us to satisfy the person you are sharing yourself with, and you making them feel good, as well as them making you feel good, therefore they need to love you to want to make you feel good. I'm not asking to become a slut whose looking for her own sexual needs to be satisfied, or a whore who is using the misused pleasure to make ends meet, but to allow me to show my love to those who I want to share myself with, to that guy that is giving me butterflies and making me think about him all night, and is making me feel good inside, let me share this with him. Yeah, he probably won't be the man I end up marrying, but at least I'm not doing it selfishly. I'm making him feel good, because he makes me feel good without it being sexually. I want to make him feel good because for this moment he's the person I have feelings for. Can I stray a little? I don't think that just because I'm asking for a little fun, that I won't be worthy of being your angel in the future. I don't think that this means I won't be as dedicated and will someday rise against you like those who did along with Lucifer so long ago. I know you're the almighty God, I love you like I know you already know, I respect you, but these rules are ridiculous. I understand why you made them, because there are some people out there who have abused life itself, and have done horrible things, but that not me. I ask for permission, because in reality I don't know what’s going on with Mr. Conscious, but he isn't doing his job lately. I guess he's taking days off or running late, but I been doing things and I don't feel bad for them anymore. I use to be scared to do things, but I feel like I'm not anymore, and like a friend told me, I should be worried when I don't feel scared anymore. Maybe I'm not scared because I know you'll love me anymore. Maybe this whole religion thing is for individuals that need a guideline that will keep them from doing wrong, but I have no evil inside, and I DON'T have to love for money or harbor feelings dark enough to kill. On the contrary, I love Love, and like you say, you are love, so I love you. That is all I look for and want in life. Love. So if I do this, can I still come in? Can I still be your angel at the end? I swear it won’t be for long, consider it a vacation, I'll be back. By the way I have to preach on Saturday, so please enlighten me! Thank you in advance!

Hello....

As I'm walking I notice your figure in front of me, and immediately the sight of you turns me on fire. I walk slowly towards you and the thoughts rush into my mind. I begin to undress you with my eyes. My wanting beginning to surface rapidly. All I can think about is feeling your arms around me, feeling my body against yours. Tasting those lips, and having you inside me. I begin to ache. Looking into your eyes, I notice that my desire is equally matched. I still can't believe that I get to have you after all. That I'll get to enjoy you both physically and spiritually. When I reach you, you slowly put your arms around my waist, as I lock mines around your neck. I feel you smell me in, caressing your face on my shoulders and neck. Smelling my hair and then caressing my face. Every movement sending small chills down my spine, as my body becomes highly alert to the masculine touch. I feel your beautiful hands on the small of my back, your hands sliding up and down my center. All I can think about is having you naked asap! I feel somewhat weird, because I've never wanted anyone so bad. Never needed anyone as bad. Felt like maybe these feelings and emotions will be too much to control. But I talked myself down before doing something irrational. I didn't want to jump into it too fast. I needed to savor it as much as I could. I needed to torture myself a little, before completely giving in. I wanted to take you in from all aspects. I wanted to watch you talk, eat, drink, walk, your gestures, your movements, everything. Then I wanted to sex you. Yet, one thing I was sure I couldn't wait for was kissing those lips. As you slowly made your way to the front of my face, I began kissing your cheek, your jaw line, your cute chin, and finally made it to your bottom lip. I took it into my lips, and sucked on it lightly. Then took your top lip, and kissed it softly. I continue to kiss those luscious lips, getting more passionate as we continue. We take a breather and go back to kissing once again, this time softly and slowly. I pull myself away, because I could already feel myself getting wet inside. I kiss your cheek, and let go of our embrace, looked into your eyes, and finally for the first time said "Hey".

Overflowing

There is this vast feeling of emptiness inside of me
As I stretch my hands on the base of my chest
I feel my heart beating lively like the drums of the poor little drummer boy
Yet I feel as if I have nothing inside
As if my inside consisted of nothing but air
My body feels as if I had something there that is now missing
A pain that makes me shudder and makes my invisible heart cringe
A pain that makes my throat dry and sticky
A pain that waters my eyes with excess lubrication
The emptiness.......
The pain.....
I take my arms and hold myself and comfort myself
Yet, I let the lacrimation fall
As my overflowing well of pain begins to empty out.
I must somehow let all this go, I have to get rid of this
I have to bring the strong side of me out once again
But this is one of those times that she decides to hide
This is the time she decides to give me space.
To let me feel this pain, and remind me of whats really inside
Remind me of the real emptiness inside,
The black hole that is slowly pulling parts of me into into its time warp
Sending it into another dimension far from my own reality.
Maybe this pain and this emptiness just means change
I am and I know because I feel it, I am in a transformation
My life, views, feelings, determinations, goals, motivations.
It all has changed slowly as I have gained so much knowledge.
My cup was overflowing and I couldn't hold anything new,
now that it is empty, I can fill it with new things,
New feelings, new goals, new knowledge, new experiences
So stubborn to let go of the rope, I didn't realize beyond it was a new world.
My cup is empty, I welcome the liquid of life to begin to fill it once again.

Craving

Have you ever craved something you never had
Craved something you have never touched
Wanted something you knew little about
Needing it as if you've had it all your life

Craving....

Wanting him in ways I never would've imagine
I love his brain, everything he's all about.
Fueling my wanting for him both physically and mentally
Wanting both his body and his soul

Craving.....

His voice, his words, his intelligence
I crave talking to him beyond the things we do now
I want to know all about his wants, his fears, his wounds
His past, present and future I crave to know

Craving....

His beautiful face and sexy body
I picture it in my mind and my lips get wet
Thinking of touching his gorgeous physique
Having him inside me in so many ways

Cravings....

Will they ever be satisfied
Will my want and need for him ever subside
Mmmm....I crave him in the worst ways


I guess I'll just have to get by

Just One of Those Days #1

I titled it #1 because I feel as if this won't be the last, even though I wish it was.

It's just one of those days today. I feel real sucky and down, and I really don't even know the reasons why. I have a this feeling inside, its like I have a hole in my chest, and I have no clue where it came from. It hurts, and I have no real way of knowing how to patch it up. All I can really do, is just sulk, especially because I feel like I have no one to really talk to. Whether because I feel like no one cares, or I just feel real embarrassed to show this weak side of me. It makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am such a loser for even feeling this way. As I sit here and contemplate on this feeling, I realize that its more like a blackhole, as if its sucking me inside of it with its hard gravitational force. Somethings wrong and I can't pinpoint it...FUDGE! I am though really turned of by some situations with certain people in my life. I feel like because of thier immaturity (and yes they are adult older then men, so immaturity shouldn't even be the issue with them) and their mouths, all I want to do is really pull myself away from them, anywhere they are, and anything I have to share with them. In reality, I really wish I could just move out to a whole new and different place, and just be a whole new me. Just do everything and anything I want to do, and not worry about what people think, because since I won't really know any of these people, I wont care about their feelings and thoughts. Alaska sounds real good after all.....take me with you.

I Cry
Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.

The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.

By Tupac Shakur

Just letting out a Pain

So two interesting things have happened today. Everything was going so well for me until today. An ex decides to come back into my life and declares he wants me back, while the new guy in my life decides to erase me as if I never existed. I guess its true when they say "when one door shuts, another opens", but what if I want that door to remain open, and there other never to open. By the way, I'm at work and the stupid automatic door isn't opening automatically, so I have to open it whenever someone wants to come in or out. Oh, and how about this women I work with, who I know for sure hates my guts gives me a box of those candy hearts with the words on them. Like really....I'm almost scared to have one, what if she poisoned them.....

So here's my dilema, and this is my pain. Lets start off with you who left me. #1- you didn't think I was worthy enough at the time to be with me and you left. You left me hurt and in pain, moving on was so hard to me to do. Now that I have moved on years later, you think its ok to just come back into my life as if nothing happened, be my friend, and now declare that you have feelings for me. How about I don't want you anymore. How about I refuse to go searching for the feelings that you caused me to pack up and throw away. I don't want to go down that route with you anymore, I am able to be friends, but I will not do nothing more. #2- HOW DARE YOU?!? Really, did you really think it would be this easy. You thought you would just pick up from where you left off. I'm sorry but I'm done, although it was unvoluntary at the time, I am done. So don't bother me with this anymore.

Now you, the one who's erasing me, I think I'm mad at you the most. I feel my pressure has begun to rise...... wow, I see why you say so many hate you. I feel as though the feelings are beginning to grow. You make me absolutely sick. (UUGGGGHHHH THIS FREAKING DOOR IS ADDING TO MY ANNOYANCE RIGHT NOW) So you bring me into your life soo smoothly. I should've stayed away. I should've followed my stupid fucking gut feeling. I should've ran. I knew it, I just fucking knew it. Not because of the stupid warnings you gave me, but because there was something about you that just told me something is wrong. But as my friends say, Im just so masochistic. I never learn. You came in, you showed me something lovely, something addictive, you gave me all of these things that I so easily fell comfortably into. Now, just like that you want to take it all away. How can you so easily do away with people, as if they were a piece of furniture or electronic that you all the sudden didn't want anymore. As if we aren't filled with feelings and emotions. And maybe you do know all these things, but you just don't care and that makes it worse. I'm so stupid, no I feel so stupid right now. If you continue to talk to me, just to unravel me more, to make your final decision on whether I'm good enough to keep around or not, just let me go. Say "Bye", because I can't take it. I don't easily erase people out of my life even if I wanted to. I don't erase them period. I see them as what they were. I take them for what they were meant to be in my life, and I always remember them to remind myself what lessons they brought to me whether good or bad. Don't feed me anymore, I rather see you from afar, read your blogs and poems, and look at you like a celebrity I would never meet. Don't help me climb this mountain to just push me off at the top. I rather you push me off now, because a scrape of the knee is easier to deal with then broken bones or being paralyzed. Maybe I should've just accepted what you were doing at first, and let you go through it completely. I should've never fought it, because if it was happening, it was for a reason. I rather it be now then later. No matter how much I wish I was one of those people who would stick around for ever. I guess I have to look out for my self preservation first. I really wish I was like you, I wish it was that easy for me to just move on. SMH....it is what it is.

Like always Ms. Lauryn always hits the spot. One of my favorite songs ever...When it hurts so bad. The song continues to be an example of my love life.

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need irconically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

ITS THE FUCKING NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND, WHY THE HELL AM I LETTING THIS RUIN ONE OF MY FAVORITE TIMES OF THE YEAR! IT IS WHAT IT IS SARAI!! REMEMBER IT, CONTINUE TO EMBRACE IT!!!! On to the next one......