The Things Unsaid

I kind of wanted to woman up for this. And for the first time be brave, and pour my heart out live and in person, but I guess things happen for a reason, and maybe the things I wanted to say weren't meant to be said out loud. So I guess I'll keep them to myself... maybe... don't know... all things happen for a reason.
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I’m a woman. I have feelings. I am emotional. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I look too deep into everything’s meaning. I dream big. My expectations are high. I can tell when I’m being lied to but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Yes I get jealous at times, and I’m always scared I’ll lose you. But in the back of my head, I do realize my worth and who I am, and I know that if you may not want me, its not because I'm not good enough, but because I'm just not for you. And I'm sure there is someone else out there who will see me, and realize that I'm the one for him. But deep down inside, everyday, I wish you realize I'm it for you. That’s why when I ask how you are, I mean it. When I ask how your day was, I genuinely want to know. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying.
All I really want is for him to finally tell me how he really feels about me. That way, when I look at him, I'm not still second guessing what he really means or how he really feels. I want something concrete. I don't want to interpret anymore. I just want to know clearly what he really feels.

Feelings... *sigh*

The way he makes me feel inside. The smiles that won't go away. And the only man I want is him. And I want to love him like I have never loved anyone before. But I don't know if he wants me to love him like that. Seems like he could do without it.

Yet I have these other guys... good guys, who treat me, or go after me in the ways that I wish he would. And maybe if he wasn't in the picture, I would so probably be trying to get something started with them. But he is in the picture, and at the end of the day, I only want him, and none of these guys make me FEEL like he does.

I don't know if that makes me stupid or not. Don't know how this will turn out. But when I'm with him, I'm just so happy. When I kiss him, I have this uncontrollable smile that won't go away. This deep feeling inside that makes me giddy and happy. When I look at him, and I hear him talk, and when he's funny, just as well as goofy, all I can think about is how beautiful he is. And I don't know what all these feelings mean, but I wish I could know how this will all end up.  Just wish I knew.

Oxymoron

Holding things in....
Fighting back emotions....
Pretending....

Its so easy for me to see him, and fight the urge to want to hug and kiss him.
Its so easy for me to hold back my emotions and not tell him I love him & that he's beautiful.
Its so easy to pretend in front of others that he doesn't phase me. That him holding her doesn't bother me.

But in reality its so hard on my heart.
Its hard on my heart when I don't voice or act out its feelings.
Its hard on my heart when I have to sit and pretend that he doesn't mean the world to me.
Its hard on my heart when she's dying for him to hold her and hug her in front of everyone else.

Its easy to do, hard to feel, and fun to see play out... up to a degree.
Because all this pretending confuses everyone.
I think we even confuse ourselves.

I just hope for the one day when I can let it all out.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I think, "when he looks at me, I bet he doesn't feel a thing," But, do I really know that? He could be looking at me and wishing us two didn't mess things up. He could care about me, I just don't want to believe because of the way he acts around me. Ignoring me sometimes, not looking me in the eye. Maybe he is really the one who would want me in his life, maybe not as much as me, but it's better than nothing at all, right?

I think we spend too much time wondering why we're not good enough - we spend too much time over analyzing, over-thinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don't ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed; and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

But in reality, I'm kind of mad at myself. A part of me feels like I failed and disappointed him. So I don't know. I'm just going to continue like nothing happened.

I don't believe in "the one". It's so stereotypical. You can't always get the perfect guy, or the perfect circumstances. Sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad, and smile with the sad. There will always be ways you have to bend, and certain ways you have to compromise to make it work. I just believe that everything happens for a reason.

I just want that one guy who I could be myself around. Who I can be me whole heartedly. The reason why I smile is because he put it there, and the reason why I’m done looking for the one is because I would rather have him standing right in front of me than anyone else. And I just want this guy to want me just as bad.

Sometimes I wish you would actually try talking to me again. I wish you would listen to my things, and answer back. And yes, I know as a guy, there are some things you don't care to listen or talk about, but I wished that just because you love me, and because you want to, you listen and respond, because you know it means a lot to me.

Lastly, New York is the BOMB! I want to move out here so bad. I'm loving it, the more I see it. I want to move out here so bad!!!

D.U.M.B.O.

So last night a friend took me to the Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass (D.U.M.B.O.) it was sooo nice. Next to the water, looking out to the city and seeing all the lights and the buildings. I loved the view.

So the friend that took me was Shaun B. and we stood and walked around and talked all night. I had a blast because I got to actually get to know HIM. And we talked about a lot. I had such a great time last night. =D

A Night I Will Never Forget!

So last night was THE night! Lol

I didn't have any expectations. I had created many scenarios, but I made sure to disregard them all to avoid any disappointments.

First, I saw my bestfriend Milly and was out with her, and hung out with her, and had a blast with her at Time Square. She showed me everything she could last night about trains and transportation.

Then I met my best guy friend of about I think like 10 years!!! I was sooooooooooo excited to see him! We gave each other the biggest hug ever! Its been a loooong time. I'm soooo happy to finally be able to give him a real hug, after all those cyber hugs that just didn't do the same.

And lastly but definitely not least, I got to meet the man that only with the thoughts of him my heart is racing. Thats means so much to me. Being in his embrace, feeling his lips on mine, I wish I could've stayed like that forever.

Had so many emotions last night. I was on a high of emotions on the train ride back home. Kept thinking about everything that happened and I couldn't wipe the smirk off my face.

*sigh* Got the meeting part out the way... wonder how it will all go down after this. Only God knows.

By the way, I might be staying with my cousins in the Bx now. It sucks that it had to go down like this, but it is what it is....

Empire State Of Mind

So I made it to New York today... I've been nervous for days now, and I'm finally here.

Already seen and notice a lot of things...
1 - I need to woman up and just GET OUT.
2 - Staying with my uncle will be an issue
3 - Its not that cold, but its cold. Lol
4 - I'm going to have allergies all the time I'm here.

I don't know, I don't want to jinx myself but I remember when I was going to DR, I was scared, had bad expectations, thought it was goin to be difficult to get around, and boring. It turned out to be soooo different. I had lots of fun apart from the fact that I got surgery and was on bed rest.

Here in NY, first day isn't going so well. I'm kind of scared to get out, but hopefully tomorrow, once I get out with Milly, I can learn somethings and I won't look so much like a tourist. Also, I'm thinking of staying with my other cousins.

I come here and my uncle begins to give me the usual Church speeches. The place that I'm staying, isn't very easy to get access in and out. And if I'm going to be in and out, I don't want the drama. I thought I would have my own room away, where I could get in and out, but I can't.

I don't know. I will keep you update. Hopefully this gets better, and all gets well.

Come on New York, be good to me!