Thank you...

Looking back today… thinking about certain moments… I still kind of can’t believe it didn’t happen between us. I miss you. Not enough to want you back, but enough for it to still sting. I guess all the things that won me over, all the moments engraved in my mind that meant so much to me didn’t really mean as much to you. The reality of that hurts. Don’t know if that meant that your expectations were higher, or if it simply didn’t matter to you, but I can’t believe you didn’t feel as excited, happy, smitten, and euphoric as I did. But thank you for those moments. They say its better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all, and I understand it now. Even if the moments were short lived, I’m glad I was able to live them period. As India Arie said in a song once “Cause there's a blessing in every lesson. And I'm glad that I knew him at all.” At least they are nice memories to look back to, a footnote in my life story. But now I strive for more moments like those… with even deeper feelings, reciprocated and at the right time for them to last forever. Thank you for the previews… now I’m waiting on my movie. =D

I want moments like these... tender, embracing, intimate, etc...

You Know What....

The secret smiles, the conversations, the songs lyrics;

those days are gone – I get that. And you know what?

I’m fine with it, but let me set a couple things straight.

First off, I don’t know why I loved you. All I know is that I did.

Maybe it wasn’t true love, but it was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to it.

And even though I didn’t get my perfect happy ending,

even though you chickened out and left me hanging like an idiot.

I still believe you’re a good person, and I wish you the best. I really do.

So go out there and find whatever makes you happy,

although I’m pretty sure you’ve already found it.

The memories are starting to blur around the edges,

but God knows I could never completely forget you.

Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m saying that whether it’s a good or bad thing,

You’re part of the reason I am who I am today.

I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life.

You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs,

the one guy who made me actually look forward to waking up in the morning,

You were the guy who could make or break me, who had my heart,

but never bothered to do anything about it.

I can’t help but think that somewhere inside of you, I’m there.

Somewhere between liking me and loving me and everything in the middle you got scared.

The tingling and the butterflies terrified you.

You didn’t know what could and couldn’t happen.

I don’t think you can run away from that feeling forever.

I think you’re just going to eventually have to be okay with the fact that

I make your stomach flip and your heart skip.

Eventually you’ll realize I was it.

What I Really Feel Inside

One day, his name just didn't make me smile anymore.

This is your choice. it’s black and white. Not a shade of gray, because when you love someone there’s no such thing as halfway.

But he didn't choose me...

You're like a monkey bar, and I held on. It was fun at first, just hanging there, feet far off the ground, but then I started to get blisters and my hands they started to sweat and I started to slip,but I continued to hold on, adjusting my hands to make them stay, but eventually I figured out that it really was time to let go.

So once again, I feel my heart break over something that was in my head. But don't forget, I meant every word I should have left unsaid.

What is heartbreak? Is it lying on the bathroom floor trying your damnest to breathe while simutaneously wondering why it went wrong, how you're gonna get up and pretend like everything is alright, and what the hell are you going to do about that hole in your chest? Yeah, I think that's it.

You're going to go through heartbreak. There's going to be withdrawl, you're going to feel like something's not right, but eventually you start to think of that person a few times a day, then a few times a week, then a few times a month, then you find yourslef not thinking about them at all and it's easier to say you're okay and there isn't much pain. But until then, you have to take baby steps.. It's not going to happen all at once.

The hardest part of a heartbreak is that moment when you realize that all the dreams you had, all those visions you had being with this person disappears. Everything after that moment is moving on.

Dear Brain, sorry for overloading you with thoughts of him. Dear Tummy, sorry for the butterflies. Dear Pillow, I'm sorry for all the tears. Dear Heart, sorry for all the damage. Dear Me, sorry for being head over heels in love with him.

Sometime you just have to try not to care, no matter how much you do because sometimes you mean nothing to someone who means everything to you.

If you're getting pushed away don't hold on tighter. Letting go when you're getting pushed is the only way he will feel what it's like without you. Even though it's the hardest thing to do, do it for him.

Sometime you have to let go of the one you love to find out if there was ever something there to hold on to.

Too bad for you, that when you had me didn't know what to do, games over - you lose.

Want my advice? Stay mad as long as you can. Because once you're not mad anymore, it hurts. It hurts like hell and once it hurts that bad you can't make yourself mad anymore.

When you walk away from something and there's no gravitational pull, then you know you're doing the right thing.

I hate the times when you want something so bad you trick yourself into believing it can happen, even when common sense tells you to give up.

You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you, and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can't just be your buddy because as much as I enjoy the concept of being "just friends" in reality it's a bizarre form of torture and I'm just not willing to participate. So right now, what I want to do is just move on, and get over you and the only way for me to do that is to erase you from my world.

It's hard to get over people, I mean really get over them. You can start to have feelings for other people, but it doesn't mean you're over them. It just means you're moving on.

I tried so hard. you know that, right? I tried harder than you could ever imagine, and now here I am, trying my best just to forget everything. Every piece of you, the way you smell, the feel of your skin. I can still feel you. I think I always will.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

Yeah, I'm broken, but I'll be okay. Day after day, I'll look at the pieces of myself you scattered around. It'll take a while, but I'll be whole again soon enough.

I'm moving on. No more waiting. No more hurt. If you wanted me you could've had me, but you didn't. You blew your chances. Now, I hope you're happy living your life wondering what if you took your chances with me. Cause I'm no longer here. I'm no longer waiting.

If you really need him, fate won't let you lose him. Fate will bring him back. It might not be soon, but he will come back.

It's Over... I'm Done.

Yesterday I put it all out there. Went all the way for him. Put my heart out there on a billboard and asked him to take it. Asked him to let me love him. Asked him to dive into a beautiful love. He declined. He decided to go the other way. And now I have to move on.

Part of me is grateful that he has let me go. Part of me is happy that instead on wasting time stuck on him, I can now move on and wait for the one who does value me. But it hurts. It hurts because I wanted to love him so bad. I wanted to be it for him. I wanted to be his woman. I wanted to show him what good love really is. But he didn't want it.

He tells me not to pursue him. But I know he loves me. I know inside, I know I'm not crazy, I know he loves me. He showed it many times. I just don't understand though. I don't understand why its so easy for him to choose not to love. Why doesn't he just give in to it. He can't be that dumb to give up something good for him. Well, I guess he is.

Now to move on. Now to work hard in making these feelings go away. Its hard because everytime I try, it stings. It hurts everytime I try not to care. Everytime I try not to think of him. Everytime I try not to feel, I get that sting. As if my heart is rejecting those actions. But I can't. I can't continue to love someone who doesn't want me. I can't continue to love someone who can't love me back. I need to move on. I need to have a healed heart for the person who will see my value, and do all he can to show me love. Show me the kind of love I've been craving for all my life. I NEED to get healed just for that. I deserve it.

I'm done. I've come to terms with it. Accepted it. And now I'm going to live my life accordingly. He's not for me... He's not for you Sarai. Someone else out there is. He will find you. So get healed and ready for him. He will deserve you. He will need you whole. And at that moment, you can then love as hard and as long as you've always wanted to love. You deserve so much better. Love yourself enough to understand that. Lol =D I am amazing. I am great. His loss.

Thank you God for giving me peace. Thank you God for loving me enough to help me through this short journey of healing. I know in due time, I will better, and ready for the next guy. Thank you God. =D

Yeah...

Isn't it scary thinking that if one little thing didn't happen, you might not know him right now.

I'm in love with a guy that lives in New York. I live in Miami.

When you love someone, you love all of them. You don't skip over the parts that make them ugly, or unwanted. you cannot just leave all the bad things out. If you really do love them, you find their imperfections beautiful.

The Things Unsaid

I kind of wanted to woman up for this. And for the first time be brave, and pour my heart out live and in person, but I guess things happen for a reason, and maybe the things I wanted to say weren't meant to be said out loud. So I guess I'll keep them to myself... maybe... don't know... all things happen for a reason.
 ,
I’m a woman. I have feelings. I am emotional. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I look too deep into everything’s meaning. I dream big. My expectations are high. I can tell when I’m being lied to but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Yes I get jealous at times, and I’m always scared I’ll lose you. But in the back of my head, I do realize my worth and who I am, and I know that if you may not want me, its not because I'm not good enough, but because I'm just not for you. And I'm sure there is someone else out there who will see me, and realize that I'm the one for him. But deep down inside, everyday, I wish you realize I'm it for you. That’s why when I ask how you are, I mean it. When I ask how your day was, I genuinely want to know. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying.
All I really want is for him to finally tell me how he really feels about me. That way, when I look at him, I'm not still second guessing what he really means or how he really feels. I want something concrete. I don't want to interpret anymore. I just want to know clearly what he really feels.

Feelings... *sigh*

The way he makes me feel inside. The smiles that won't go away. And the only man I want is him. And I want to love him like I have never loved anyone before. But I don't know if he wants me to love him like that. Seems like he could do without it.

Yet I have these other guys... good guys, who treat me, or go after me in the ways that I wish he would. And maybe if he wasn't in the picture, I would so probably be trying to get something started with them. But he is in the picture, and at the end of the day, I only want him, and none of these guys make me FEEL like he does.

I don't know if that makes me stupid or not. Don't know how this will turn out. But when I'm with him, I'm just so happy. When I kiss him, I have this uncontrollable smile that won't go away. This deep feeling inside that makes me giddy and happy. When I look at him, and I hear him talk, and when he's funny, just as well as goofy, all I can think about is how beautiful he is. And I don't know what all these feelings mean, but I wish I could know how this will all end up.  Just wish I knew.

Oxymoron

Holding things in....
Fighting back emotions....
Pretending....

Its so easy for me to see him, and fight the urge to want to hug and kiss him.
Its so easy for me to hold back my emotions and not tell him I love him & that he's beautiful.
Its so easy to pretend in front of others that he doesn't phase me. That him holding her doesn't bother me.

But in reality its so hard on my heart.
Its hard on my heart when I don't voice or act out its feelings.
Its hard on my heart when I have to sit and pretend that he doesn't mean the world to me.
Its hard on my heart when she's dying for him to hold her and hug her in front of everyone else.

Its easy to do, hard to feel, and fun to see play out... up to a degree.
Because all this pretending confuses everyone.
I think we even confuse ourselves.

I just hope for the one day when I can let it all out.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I think, "when he looks at me, I bet he doesn't feel a thing," But, do I really know that? He could be looking at me and wishing us two didn't mess things up. He could care about me, I just don't want to believe because of the way he acts around me. Ignoring me sometimes, not looking me in the eye. Maybe he is really the one who would want me in his life, maybe not as much as me, but it's better than nothing at all, right?

I think we spend too much time wondering why we're not good enough - we spend too much time over analyzing, over-thinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don't ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed; and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

But in reality, I'm kind of mad at myself. A part of me feels like I failed and disappointed him. So I don't know. I'm just going to continue like nothing happened.

I don't believe in "the one". It's so stereotypical. You can't always get the perfect guy, or the perfect circumstances. Sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad, and smile with the sad. There will always be ways you have to bend, and certain ways you have to compromise to make it work. I just believe that everything happens for a reason.

I just want that one guy who I could be myself around. Who I can be me whole heartedly. The reason why I smile is because he put it there, and the reason why I’m done looking for the one is because I would rather have him standing right in front of me than anyone else. And I just want this guy to want me just as bad.

Sometimes I wish you would actually try talking to me again. I wish you would listen to my things, and answer back. And yes, I know as a guy, there are some things you don't care to listen or talk about, but I wished that just because you love me, and because you want to, you listen and respond, because you know it means a lot to me.

Lastly, New York is the BOMB! I want to move out here so bad. I'm loving it, the more I see it. I want to move out here so bad!!!

D.U.M.B.O.

So last night a friend took me to the Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass (D.U.M.B.O.) it was sooo nice. Next to the water, looking out to the city and seeing all the lights and the buildings. I loved the view.

So the friend that took me was Shaun B. and we stood and walked around and talked all night. I had a blast because I got to actually get to know HIM. And we talked about a lot. I had such a great time last night. =D

A Night I Will Never Forget!

So last night was THE night! Lol

I didn't have any expectations. I had created many scenarios, but I made sure to disregard them all to avoid any disappointments.

First, I saw my bestfriend Milly and was out with her, and hung out with her, and had a blast with her at Time Square. She showed me everything she could last night about trains and transportation.

Then I met my best guy friend of about I think like 10 years!!! I was sooooooooooo excited to see him! We gave each other the biggest hug ever! Its been a loooong time. I'm soooo happy to finally be able to give him a real hug, after all those cyber hugs that just didn't do the same.

And lastly but definitely not least, I got to meet the man that only with the thoughts of him my heart is racing. Thats means so much to me. Being in his embrace, feeling his lips on mine, I wish I could've stayed like that forever.

Had so many emotions last night. I was on a high of emotions on the train ride back home. Kept thinking about everything that happened and I couldn't wipe the smirk off my face.

*sigh* Got the meeting part out the way... wonder how it will all go down after this. Only God knows.

By the way, I might be staying with my cousins in the Bx now. It sucks that it had to go down like this, but it is what it is....

Empire State Of Mind

So I made it to New York today... I've been nervous for days now, and I'm finally here.

Already seen and notice a lot of things...
1 - I need to woman up and just GET OUT.
2 - Staying with my uncle will be an issue
3 - Its not that cold, but its cold. Lol
4 - I'm going to have allergies all the time I'm here.

I don't know, I don't want to jinx myself but I remember when I was going to DR, I was scared, had bad expectations, thought it was goin to be difficult to get around, and boring. It turned out to be soooo different. I had lots of fun apart from the fact that I got surgery and was on bed rest.

Here in NY, first day isn't going so well. I'm kind of scared to get out, but hopefully tomorrow, once I get out with Milly, I can learn somethings and I won't look so much like a tourist. Also, I'm thinking of staying with my other cousins.

I come here and my uncle begins to give me the usual Church speeches. The place that I'm staying, isn't very easy to get access in and out. And if I'm going to be in and out, I don't want the drama. I thought I would have my own room away, where I could get in and out, but I can't.

I don't know. I will keep you update. Hopefully this gets better, and all gets well.

Come on New York, be good to me! 

Time Is Approaching...

I'm so scared. So nervous. So anxious.
On my free thinking time, I think about him.
I just can't wait. Can't wait to see him.
To feel his warmth, his arms around me.
Feel his lips on mine. Feel his presence.
His spirit, his essence, his ambiance.
It scares the hell out of me.
I don't even know how I'm going to react.
I don't know if I'll freeze up. (Most likely)
But I don't want to. I want to act.
I want to be able to do everything I feel.
I want to be loosened up. I want be open.
I want to be able to receive him fully without awkwardness.
I want to tell him everything I feel.
But I can't expect anything.
Just let it all happen they way its going to happen.
But I still can't wait...

*deep sigh*

A Real Life Fairytale - Happy 25th Anniversary!

Many Lessons Learned:

Through my parents marriage I have been able to learn what Love and Marriage is all about. They have been such a great example to me. And my hearts true desire has always been, not just to find true love, but to be just a great example to my children. I've learned what a man, a father, and a husband should be like. I have learned what a woman, a mother, and wife should be like. I have learned what Love and the belief of God can maintain. I have leaned that opposites attract. I have learned that love can truly happen at first sight. I have learned that no matter how hard it may get, when two people are committed to each other they can pass any speed bump or mountain in their road. And I couldn't be any more thankful to the Lord for blessing me to have been born from such a wonderful love. I hope to have what they have some day.

Opposites Attract: The Classic Bad Boy and Good Girl Story - Love @ 1st Sight

 Many people ask my parents where they are from, and they are taken back because they are actually from 2 very different areas of the Dominican Republic. My Father is from the far north east coastal corner for Dominican Republic. He has the beach in his back yard. People actually take lil boats from there and take those dangerous trips to Puerto Rico. He was a country boy. Most of his childhood without shoes. Climbing coconut trees. Riding horses bare back. Milking cows. A true country boy. He grew up with both of his parents. They were together till the day my grandfather died. Had a active father and mother in his life. My father barely finished school. Lucky he even finished his 8th grade. When he was of age, he went into the Marines. Later because a sailor and worked on a cargo ship. Traveled the seas, and went to many many countries. My father was an experienced man when he met my mother. He had many women before her, whether married, or whores, or regular chicks. A man who was truly experienced. A man who know a lot about the world. But one thing he knew when he met my mother, was that she was going to be his wife.

My mother, she was from the interior of the country. Close to the border. She was born in a lil town. Surrouned by mountains mostly. She was a true good girl. Went to school faithfully. Was a girl who at a young age cooked and cleaned the house. Her parents where very dysfunctional. My grandfather treated my grandmother like crap. Cheated on her constantly. Left her to basically work and raise my mother and her siblings on her own. So as my grandmother worked, my mom took over the house duties. A great daughter. Barely gave my grandmother any problems. She was taken to church at a very young age. Even though my grandmother wasn't Christian, my great grandmother who was, would take my mom to church. At the age of 14 my mother gave her life to God, and has been a faithful Christian ever since. My mother as a teenager, finished school. Was going to college to be a pharmicist, which later it had to be stopped because she was brought to the US. And she's just always been a simple good girl.

They met in the capital of Dominican Republic called Santo Domingo. At that my mothers family as well as part of my fathers family had moved to the city. My mother was close friends with my fathers sister. One day, when my father had docked in Dominican Republic, after one of his trips, he met my mother at his house. He was immediately taken by her. And he immediately knew he had to get her.

Know Your Worth:

My father from the moment he lef t his parents home he became the provider for his family. He's the 3rd of 12, and his older brothers left and took on their own lives, but my father didn't. He actually basically left to work to bring up his family. And he bought my aunt her first house. They were the first in their neighborhood to have a phone line, thanks to my dad. My dad worked and they all basically were able to live well through him. He was their foundation, because he knew he had to help my aunts and his lil brothers come up. And he did that for many years. Always sending them money. Anyways, when my father came into the city, it was a huge party. The day my parents met, my mother recalls she was outside with one of his sisters talking to her, and all the sudden another one of my aunts starts screaming that my father was home, and basically everyone ran to see him. He was kind of a big deal. Immediately, he sent for them to bring the case loads of beers, and basically the party started. My mother came in and met him, but she didn't stay, because my mother has never been the party type. So she said hello, and then left. But in that lil time she caught my fathers eye.

The next day my father went to talk to her, and he tried to be his regular slick self, but my mom wasn't having it, and didn't pay him no mind. When my father understood that he had to come correct, he came at her the right way, and my mom actually went on a date with him and everything. Anyways in one of those discussion about life and marriage my father tells my mother that he would marry her, and she would become his wife, but that she should know that he doesn't eat rice & beans & chicken everyday, that one day he may want pork, or fish, meaning that he will have women on the side. But that either way, she will always be the main one. At that point, my mother, after seeing everything her mother went through, being in a relationship where my grandfather didn't respect her, cheated on her, and left her alone to fend for herself, because she should've been satisfied with the "wife" title, she stopped dealing with my father. Thats exactly what she didn't want. And she refused to accept that. So she left my father alone. Plus, from everything she learned in church, she knew that she shouldn't and couldn't marry a man who wasn't a christian. So she moved on, knowing that if this what he offered, he wasn't the one for her, especially since he wasn't Christian, and a Christian man wouldn't offer her something like that anyways. My father kept trying to get to her, even after she moved to NY when she finally got her papers, but she didn't budge.

My mother gave herself worth. Her actions were actions of a woman deserving the best. She didn't settle for less. As a woman of God she believed that God would send her the right man. A family man who would love her, and be there for her and her children. As a young woman, she didn't chase after my father either. She let him come after her, which is something women seem to forget these days.

Whats Meant To Be Will Be:

My father continued with his life after my mom rejected his horrible offer. He was basically a alcoholic. Messing with many women. But for some reason, he still sent letters to my mother. My mother always gave him the word of God. Hoping that he would turn his life around. Not for her, but for his well being. One day, my father was out looking for a bar. And for some reason that night, he just couldn't find it. No matter how many times he looked, he couldn't find it, and instead stumbled inside a church. And that night and in that church, he gave his life to God. Funny part is the next day when he returned to church, the bar was right next to it. LOL. Anyways, my father immediately changed his life around. And when he was finally right, he went after my mother again. He called her and gave her the news. My mother at first was skeptical. She wasn't sure to believe him. But she spoke to someone of the church my father atteneded one day, and they reassured her of my fathers change. Soon went after her to NY, married her, and that day they moved to Miami to live a life as husband and wife.

Know Your Role:
 My parents can admit, that my mother got a good man with my dad, just as my father got a good woman with my mom. My father has been everything she always wanted from her father basically. My father has been a man for his family. Even before he had a family of his own, he was taking care of his siblings. When he got married, he continued. He worked his ass off from my mother and us, his kids. He left early in the morning to work, came in the afternoons, brung my mother the money, then we all went to church. Always a provider. Always there to discipline us. He has always been faithful. Always a real man, a real father, a real husband.

My mother has always been what my father saw in his mother. A woman who took care of her home. Cooked, cleaned. Submissive. Faithful. Took care of him as he was a king, and took care of his children to the fullest. My father left the house without worry, because he knew everything would be ok. He had a faithful companion. The perfect compliment. The perfect mate. The perfect partner. A supporter. She made him better. He trusted her fully with his life, his money, and his legacy. He had a real woman, a real mother, and a real wife by his side.

They both fully understood and took their roles to the heart. It came natural for them to be who they were. They had choosen wisely. And thats why their relationship has worked and lasted so long.

Two Imperfect Souls, Perfect For Each Other:

Now I may have made them sound perfect so far. But as a real witness I know they aren't. There are many things that my father has that irks the crap out of my mother, and vice versa. They both have their things that I'm sure, they didn't know before they got married. My father in the beginning know how to romance my mother, because he had game, but after marriage, he has gotten lazy I guess. And he has a problem with expressing his feelings verbal wise. While my mother although a quiet one in the beginning of the marriage, has now become very vocal. She fusses, and can nag, and yell, and go off on anything. But throughout the years they have learned equality, and balance of powers. They have had real bad arguments, but they know how to get back to it. And as the years go by, they only get closer.


There's a lot more things I have learned from my parents. Throughout time I will continue to share. This one is getting very long. But for now, I just want to say... Happy Anniversary Mami y Papi! I love you both so much!

So Tired...

I'm tired. I'm just soooo tired...
And maybe you can help me...
Because I'm just so tired...
What is it with the constant offers of sex?
I'm talking about the dudes that fill my inbox,
with messages of the "amazing" things they would love to do to me.
And some of them are creative, but others, I swear they must be the same person.
I really don't get it! Is that all they can offer me?!
Am I giving the wrong message?
Am I presenting myself in a way that says that I want sex badly?
Because I don't get it. Is that all they have.
How about offering to touch my soul?
How about offering to make my heart smile?
How about telling me how you are ready to begin a long journey into my inner being because you want to know everything and anything about me, to get to know me in a way, I don't even know myself?
Why doesn't anyone offer me that?
Am I showing to much cleavage? Because I swear I don't try.
Its not my fault my stupid boobs are big.
I would trade them for a smaller pair ANY day.
Is it that? Because I don't get it?
Or is what I'm asking for something so hard to do?
Is it hard to make my heart ache in a good way?
Because maybe they don't know, but the simplest things would do.
The smallest show of care and thought would make my heart skip a beat.
I just want it to be genuine and real...
Lol... Smh... I guess thats it right there...
No one is up to genuinely open themselves fully to someone.
Letting out the smallest cheesy quirky parts of them.
*raises hand* I'm guilty... I'm scared too.
Scared to open myself in such a way to someone.
Partly because I don't think anyone could handle it.
No one would be able to handle my emotions.
Because they even scare me at times and make me cry.
So I keep them at bay. So I won't scare anyone off.
So they won't be afraid of me, and decide to run because they can't handle such a great love.
Yeah... I don't. I just keep it locked up in my treasure chest.
*shrug* Doesn't matter anyway... all they want is whats between my legs.
Thats all they care for.
But what they don't get is, until you touch my soul, I won't be spreading my legs.
So I let them waste their breathes.
Ignore them until they get tired.
And continue guarding my chest.
Until that day...
If that day ever comes...

Real Deal

I don't think that you understand

like really comprehend this.

I'm not overexaggerating.

I'm not saying it just to say it

and I sure as hell am not lying.

There isn't anyone else

who has a chance right now

because all I want is you

but I guess when I really think about it,

it always comes down to me and you.

You have my whole heart

for better or for worse

you are the one I have feelings for,

and no other person

could ever measure up.

I don't want no one else to hold me,

don't care for any others kisses,

all I want is you and all you have to give

If that makes me crazy,

Then so be it.

Ode to couples...

 As of lately I have come to notice the interactions of couples.

The way they seem to have this speccial attention for each other.

Holding hands, caressing their faces together.

 Whispering secrets to each other that cause small giggles and smiles.

Slow dances at a club. Riding together in a car.

Singing to each other. Taking care of each other.

 Its a beautiful sight to see and witness.

I love seeing the public display of affection.

And I steal from their joy and love, and let it fill my heart.

 Yet at the same time I begin to yearn.

Because I want that as well.

I want to not just witness it, but I want to experience it.

 I want to know what love is. I want to have that special relationship.

I want my man to hold me, to secure his arms around my body, claiming me.

I want him to kiss the nape of my neck.

I want him to show me how much he wants me.

 And I want to do the same with him.

I want to feel comfortable enough to kiss him, hug him, grab him when I want.

Maybe scars from my pass make me reluctant to do so now.

But hopefully the man for me will make me feel good enough to be open to it.

Let me...

In the grand scheme of things,

am I suppose to believe

that in reality theres truly an opporunity,

For him to eventually love me for me.

I picture things so differently,

For inside my own mind and in my soul

I see a man loving me for so much more.

And yes I would love to arouse him immensely,

taking him on a mental and body high sexually,

but I want him to get pass the appearance,

and love me for my willingness to understand.

I want him to admire my unmoving loyalty,

I want him to yearn my love more than good company,

To envision a life where me being missing,

Is something he can't possibly see happening.

I want my big heart to be his morning sunshine,

My love to be his evening moonlight.

Our conversations being of great quality,

bringing out the best of our personalities.

A love building a friendship with stability,

Where we grew with each other indefinitely.

But sometimes this all seems to be too good to be true.

Because we all know that falling in love brings pain on its own.

Yet I know that he who is suppose to be,

will allow our hearts be the king and queen

of our decisions and our love making,

Two hearts not afraid of what its chasing.

But putting all its got to get that "fairytale" happy ending.

I want you to let me love you, but for real...

National Kissing Day

You're the only person I want to kiss, now and forever...

Shower Relevation

After sparing some words with my sisters before jumping in the shower about a certain situation, something that I said kept ringing in my ear. "At the end its y'all lives and y'all have to live it, not me." And as I kept thinking of that, I realized how I have changed in the past year. Currently in my life, I have truly been in the pursuit of my happiness. For so long in my life I constantly listened to what everyone else believed was best for me. And yes, as a child and teenager, when my definition of good and bad still wasn't clear due to immaturity, I needed that guidance, I needed to be told. And my parents did an awesome job at it. And for a while I did what others said would make me happy, and did thins to make others happy as well. But now as an adult, and now as I see more of the world, and I see more of what’s put there, I have started to get to know other sides of me. I have come to get a better view of what can and will make me happy. I've always relied my happiness on other people. On doing what made others happy, and what others told me would make me happy. And I did get a satisfaction in making others happy, but to a certain extent. Yes, it makes me happy to see the people I love happy, but at the end of the day, some of the things I would have to sacrifice and give in to left me unfulfilled, and without real joy. I see so many things clearer now.

The past year, I went after something I wanted. It was a life changing decision. It has truly changed my life in a good way and it hit me out of nowhere. One day I woke up and I said I want this. And I called my mother and I told her. And my mother talked to me about it and then told me how to do it, and gave me all her support. During the process in acquiring what I wanted, I had lots of people try to instill doubts. I had many people try to change my mind. As well as I had the few, that understood that this was going to make me happy, and that I should go for it. (My mom, Marleni, and Gee.) Others were probably scared for me, others probably thought I was stupid, but inside I had a feeling like what I was doing was good. I had the good gut feeling. In my heart, I felt happy about it. And in my mind I saw how it was good for me logically.

Now recently, I have come to another life changing decision. Once again, it just hit me one day out of nowhere, and I feel the same good feeling about it, and I'm getting the same doubts from others. But I also have the support of my mother, of my BFF Mar, and of Gee once again. LOL And I'm going for it, and I'm not changing my mind. These two decisions have so many of the same parallels, that it sometimes overwhelms me. And it’s even more reason for me to follow it through.

Since I have began this new set of mind where I go for what makes ME happy, my life has been so much better. I have been able to actually be happy. For so long, I lived this somewhat depressed life, for so long, I was so caged up, and now that I'm on my pursuit of happiness, I live so much better. I wish I had known earlier, but everything happens for a reason, and everything happens at the right time. From now on, I will continue to follow this. I will continue to pursue MY happiness. And for those who don't, I urge you to do so. Stop thinking about others so much, and be selfish a little bit. Be selfish about your happiness.

I am officially breaking the mold that was made for me, and I am going after my freedom. I am going after the road of self-finding and pursuit of happiness. I am going to go for the things that will make ME happy. I am going to follow my heart. I refuse to be locked down by the thoughts and judgments of others, and I'm going to be ME. Apart from my innocent behavior, open heart, and "soft" like character, I believe I'm so much stronger, and I know that I can do so much more and be so much more than what I am now.

I want to thank my mother. The woman that has always looked for my happiness, and for my well being. And even though sometimes she stands behind her Christian’s belief, there are moments where she shows so much understanding. She shows that even though she has strong Christian beliefs, she understands my woes and life apart from that. And she in a way, always guides me to go for what will make me, Sarai Cordero, happy. I love that woman with all my heart. And I don't even want to think of my life without her, but I am confident that she's raising me and making me into a person strong enough to live in a world without her, and that’s why she has supported me in my decisions. And I know that if I have her blessing and her support, overall, what I do is a good thing. As Tupac said "Ain't no woman alive that can take my mommas place... you are appreciated."

Marleni Orellana, I love you in a way I am sometimes scared to express. But you have been such an essential person in my life. You have supported and believed in me when I didn't. You have always been there, no matter what. You are the definition of a true friend. You give sooo much of yourself for everyone else and their happiness and their friends. And I feel like you don't go after yours. I know hopefully you'll learn to look out for yourself, and your happiness first before anyone else. I really hope you do, because I want you to LIVE your life. I want you to truly be happy for yourself, not feed off the happiness of others. I want you to find your own personal joy and happiness. So my dear friend, FOLLOW YOUR HEART, AND GO FOR WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!

Gary... you know how they say people come into our life for a reason, for some reason since your entry into mine, my life has made such a turn for good. So many good things have happened, because you triggered so many good things inside of me. My life has been overturned into a good place. I have learned and grown so much through and because of you and I will forever be thankful and forever love you. I don't know what your role in my life will be in my future, I know what I want it to be, and I'll fight for it, but at the end if I'm wrong, and it turns out to be something else, you'll always have a special place in my heart.

LOVING THE PURSUIT OF MY HAPPINESS!!! =D

Princess

A Princess is not a Princess because she is felt but a Princess is a Princess because failure has not stopped her... Hate it or Love it, I believe in Fairytales... 

Before the conception of Isaac Sarah was called Sarai, probably also a derivation of the same word, meaning my princess.

Auroroa: Well, I'm really not supposed to speak to strangers, but we've met before.

Philip: Where?

Aurora: Once upon a dream. 

 To spend a life of endless bliss, just find who you love through true love's kiss.

 From this day on now and forever more, you'll be in my heart. - Tarzan

 “Mom, Listen, I have been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. ‘Kay, that’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks... in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those “the lost years”. Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that’s, that’s what I feel is love, Mom… When I’m better because she’s here… and now she won’t be. So we’re finished.”

-Cory; Boy Meets World

 Shawn: You know, he used to tell me how wonderful you were, but guys always say great things about their girlfriends until they break up. That's when the truth comes out. You know, I've waited fifteen years to find out what he really thinks about you. Do you wanna know what he thinks about you now that you've broken up?

Topanga: No. Shawn, I don't wanna talk about him.

Shawn: Now that you've broken up, he still tells me how wonderful you are.

-Boy Meets World