I sat silently out in the balcony of my small apartment. I had my head in my hands, being held up by my knees. My mind was running a marathon of emotional and logical thoughts. At times I would take small breaks and tend my ears to the music blasting from the radio inside my apartment. But the ache inside my chest would bring me back, calling for my attention, it just wouldn't go away. In moments like these where I was alone to fight with my thoughts its when the pain got worse. I felt as if I couldn't take it anymore. I fought with myself all the time. A war where my emotions and desires made an alliance against my logic. One side of me desired to love, one side of me desired to feel the great feelings of love, but the other side of me hated the pain that love could conjure as well, and the logical side continued to contest my intelligence for wanting something that could cause more harm than good.
I abruplty got up from my seat, and dashed inside. I quickly dressed appropriately and exited my home. I refuse to be home and let the pain win. I went to a nearby club, where I frequent during night like these to listen to poetry. I looked for a seat far from the crowd, in the dark where I could not be seen. I didn't care to see faces. I only cared for words and the alcohol I was about to consume to ease my pain. I sat there silently, with my eyes closed, and only let the words soak in. A few went on about the corruption of the world and the hopes in the uplift of our race. Some went on about the beauty of love, and their definitions to what it should be. They described the way they behaved when they were intoxicated by the feelings. Others denounced sexual experiences with their lovers and how they shared this amazing intimate experience where they performed kinky sexual acts just to satisfy their partners. And during these performances, being lost in their words and in their feelings, they somehow caused my own to subdue. The pain, and my detrimental thoughts began to fade away. I was beginning to feel solace.
Unfortunately, the last performer of the night came up. I wasn't so much upset, because I was already at a good enough mental place to go home alone. They presented the next performer as I was speaking to the waiter and asking for my bill. I heard the performer clear their throat and I just closed my eyes once again to begin to hear this poem. As he began, his voice caused my ears to hurt. All the sudden my whole body began to feel pain. My heartbeat began to follow the tempo of his words. And a sharp pain hit the temples of my brain. His words were horrible. I couldn't listen to it. But my body wouldn't let me leave just yet. As he continued, I was engrossed by the content of this piece he called love. I could hear the hypocrisy in his words. I heard the lies in between the lovely metaphors. I felt the disbelief in his words. He couldn't have meant not one word in this poem he so eloquently recited. I kept telling myself to just get up and leave, but I was curious to the end of his piece. The end of this mendacity he had everyone here believing.
But suddenly I was enraged, and my logical side kept on pinpointing every pain I was feeling at the moment. I couldn't take it anymore. In a split second the care faded, and I got up and left. I walked outside and headed over to the near park that was almost my second home. I looked for a bench, and laid on it, looking up to the sky. My mind kept going back to the phony who last performed. How could the crowd truly sit there and let themselves be fooled by this con artist. But I couldn't blame them. If I didn't know the truth behind those words, I would've believed it too. If I didn't know the actuality of the illusion this artist was painting, I would've seen it as reality as well.
All the sudden I heard footsteps. I immediately sat up, and looked towards the directions of the slow tempo steps. There he was. The con artist himself. For a moment, I was beginning to believe that he was truly an illusionist. He couldn't have been here, right now, at this moment. How dare he even try to bring his image to my line of vision. I got up to leave. I was not going to sit here and let him continue his game of illusions with me. As I turned to walk away he called my name. I wanted to keep walking, but my body stayed frozen. I cursed myself for still letting myself be controlled by his words.
"Don't leave." he said.
My feet positioned themselves firmly. I growled internally at the fact that his spell was so powerful.
"Please, just listen to me."
I suddenly turned and looked directly in his eyes. "Leave. Me. Alone." I growled. But as I looked further I was taken aback by the look deep in his eyes. I quickly turned away.
He came closer to me, reached out his hand, but he let it fall back down. He took deep breathes, and walked two more steps closer to me. I could smell him, feel his heat, and feel his presence even stronger now.
"I'm so sorry..." He inhaled even deeper now. "I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted you to leave. I never really knew how much you leaving would affect me. I thought I would be fine without you. I thought it would be just like every other time and every other person I've lost. I thought I would be able to get over it quickly. But it has been torture. But my pain... I could care less for. I can endure it after what I'm sure I have done to you. But I am sorry for what I put you through. For any pain that I may have caused you. I wish I could say I did this for your best. I wish I could say that I was truly looking out for you. But I can't. This was all because of me. I was blinded by my own personal distorted image of myself, that I had convinced myself that I did not deserve you. How could a monster, a cold hearted, black soul, deserve someone as sweet, as beautiful, as positive, as strong, as kind hearted as you. In the image in my head, all I could see was the darkness of my black hole, covering the majesty of your light. I presumed that I was truly that strong. Oh, how I was wrong. How wrong and stupid was I. As I look at it now, you have been the strongest of the two from day one. Your light has brightened the darkness in my soul. When you came into my life, it was as if someone had turned on the lights, but I continued to hide in the dark corners, scared to come out. As the time passed, my eyes got accustomed to the brightness. I slowly began to inch out into the lighted room and then I found myself in front of a mirror. I saw something I had never imagined, and was appalled by the foolery in this object. Immediately I turned the lights off again, asking you to leave. I felt betrayed because I couldn't believe the things that I was seeing. I thought someone was playing a cruel trick on me. How could something truly be this beautiful, I questioned. How could I be this beautiful. Was someone playing with my mind? Until it got dark again did I feel better. But as the days passed, I started to miss the light. I started to miss the brightness. I gave myself days to try to get accustomed to it once again. But I couldn't. A part of me wouldn't let me. I need my light again. I need to see once again. This time I promise I am willing to believe. I am willing to embrace this."
He took my face, wet from tears, into his hands and in the most sincere, and most beautiful tone, he said "I need my light. Brighten my soul once again. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be black. Cover me."
I closed my eyes. I wish I could say that I didn't believe him. But this picture he painted was as real as the sun that comes out everyday and I couldn't ignore it. My logical mind wanted to run. The fears were kicking in, and it was telling me to go before I found myself in a place of no return. I decided to go with my feelings. I placed my hands on his chest, thinking of pushing away. But all I could do was move them around the side of his frame, and interlock my fingers behind him. At the same time his arms wrapped themselves in a tight hold around my shoulders. I released a deep exhale. I then looked up to him. Stared at his beautiful face. Took in the shape of his jaws, the curves of his lips, the depth in his eyes, and mixed it with the deep emotion that I had inside. I was completely compelled. Love had really done its way with me and there really never was no turning back.
"I love you." I said.
"I love you more than I ever imagine I could." he replied.
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